Ernest Hemingway - The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway

“Listen, Billy,” William Campbell said, “I want to tell you something. You’re called ‘Sliding Billy.’ That’s because you can slide. I’m called just Billy. That’s because I never could slide at all. I can’t slide, Billy. I can’t slide. It just catches. Every time I try it, it catches.” He shut his eyes. “I can’t slide, Billy. It’s awful when you can’t slide.”

“Yes,” said “Sliding Billy” Turner.

“Yes, what?” William Campbell looked at him.

“You were saying.”

“No,” said William Campbell. “I wasn’t saying. It must have been a mistake.”

“You were saying about sliding.”

“No. It couldn’t have been about sliding. But listen, Billy, and I’ll tell you a secret. Stick to sheets, Billy. Keep away from women and horses and, and—” he stopped “—eagles, Billy. If you love horses you’ll get horse-shit, and if you love eagles you’ll get eagle-shit.” He stopped and put his head under the sheet.

“I got to go,” said “Sliding Billy” Turner.

“If you love women you’ll get a dose,” William Campbell said. “If you love horses—”

“Yes, you said that.”

“Said what?”

“About horses and eagles.”

“Oh, yes. And if you love sheets.” He breathed on the sheet and stroked his nose against it. “I don’t know about sheets,” he said. “I just started to love this sheet.”

“I have to go,” Mr. Turner said. “I got a lot to do.”

“That’s all right,” William Campbell said. “Everybody’s got to go.”

“I better go.”

“All right, you go.”

“Are you all right, Billy?”

“I was never so happy in my life.”

“And you’re all right?”

“I’m fine. You go along. I’ll just lie here for a little while. Around noon I’ll get up.”

But when Mr. Turner came up to William Campbell’s room at noon William Campbell was sleeping and as Mr. Turner was a man who knew what things in life were very valuable he did not wake him.

Three Roman soldiers are in a drinking-place at eleven o’clock at night. There are barrels around the wall. Behind the wooden counter is a Hebrew wine-seller. The three Roman soldiers are a little cock-eyed.

1 st Roman Soldier —You tried the red?

2 d Soldier —No, I ain’t tried it.

1 st Soldier —You better try it.

2 d Soldier —All right, George, we’ll have a round of the red.

Hebrew Wine-seller —Here you are, gentlemen. You’ll like that. [ He sets down an earthenware pitcher that he has filled from one of the casks .] That’s a nice little wine.

1 st Soldier —Have a drink of it yourself. [ He turns to the third Roman soldier who is leaning on a barrel .] What’s the matter with you?

3 d Roman Soldier —I got a gut-ache.

2 d Soldier —You’ve been drinking water.

1 st Soldier —Try some of the red.

3 d Soldier —I can’t drink the damn stuff. It makes my gut sour.

1 st Soldier —You been out here too long.

3 d Soldier —Hell don’t I know it?

1 st Soldier —Say, George, can’t you give this gentleman something to fix up his stomach?

Hebrew Wine-seller —I got it right here.

[ The third Roman soldier tastes the cup that the wine-seller has mixed for him .]

3 d Soldier —Hey, what you put in that, camel chips?

Wine-seller —You drink that right down, Lootenant. That’ll fix you up right.

3 d Soldier —Well, I couldn’t feel any worse.

1 st Soldier —Take a chance on it. George fixed me up fine the other day.

Wine-seller —You were in bad shape, Lootenant. I know what fixes up a bad stomach.

[ The third Roman soldier drinks the cup down .]

3 d Roman Soldier —Jesus Christ. [ He makes a face .]

2 d Soldier —That false alarm!

1 st Soldier —Oh, I don’t know. He was pretty good in there today.

2 d Soldier —Why didn’t he come down off the cross?

1 st Soldier —He didn’t want to come down off the cross. That’s not his play.

2 d Soldier —Show me a guy that doesn’t want to come down off the cross.

1 st Soldier —Aw, hell, you don’t know anything about it. Ask George there. Did he want to come down off the cross, George?

Wine-seller —I’ll tell you, gentlemen, I wasn’t out there. It’s a thing I haven’t taken any interest in.

2 d Soldier —Listen, I seen a lot of them—here and plenty of other places. Any time you show me one that doesn’t want to get down off the cross when the time comes—when the time comes, I mean—I’ll climb right up with him.

1 st Soldier —I thought he was pretty good in there today.

3 d Soldier —He was all right.

2 d Roman Soldier —You guys don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m not saying whether he was good or not. What I mean is, when the time comes. When they first start nailing him, there isn’t none of them wouldn’t stop it if they could.

1 st Soldier —Didn’t you follow it, George?

Wine-seller —No, I didn’t take any interest in it, Lootenant.

1 st Soldier —I was surprised how he acted.

3 d Soldier —The part I don’t like is the nailing them on. You know, that must get to you pretty bad.

2 d Soldier —It isn’t that that’s so bad, as when they first lift ’em up. [ He makes a lifting gesture with his two palms together .] When the weight starts to pull on ’em. That’s when it gets ’em.

3 d Roman Soldier —It take some of them pretty bad.

1 st Soldier —Ain’t I seen ’em? I seen plenty of them. I tell you, he was pretty good in there today.

[ The second Roman soldier smiles at the Hebrew wine-seller .]

2 d Soldier —You’re a regular Christer, big boy.

1 st Soldier —Sure, go on and kid him. But listen while I tell you something. He was pretty good in there today.

2 d Soldier —What about some more wine?

[ The wine-seller looks up expectantly. The third Roman soldier is sitting with his head down. He does not look well .]

3 d Soldier —I don’t want any more.

2 d Soldier —Just for two, George.

[ The wine-seller puts out a pitcher of wine, a size smaller than the last one .

He leans forward on the wooden counter .]

1 st Roman Soldier —You see his girl?

2 d Soldier —Wasn’t I standing right by her?

1 st Soldier —She’s a nice-looker.

2 d Soldier —I knew her before he did. [ He winks at the wine-seller .]

1 st Soldier —I used to see her around the town.

2 d Soldier —She used to have a lot of stuff. He never brought her no good luck.

1 st Soldier —Oh, he ain’t lucky. But he looked pretty good to me in there today.

2 d Soldier —What become of his gang?

1 st Soldier —Oh, they faded out. Just the women stuck by him.

2 d Roman Soldier —They were a pretty yellow crowd. When they seen him go up there they didn’t want any of it.

1 st Soldier —The women stuck all right.

2 d Soldier —Sure, they stuck all right.

1 st Roman Soldier —You see me slip the old spear into him?

2 d Roman Soldier —You’ll get into trouble doing that some day.