Pelham Wodehouse - The Return of Jeeves

Bill brightened. This, he felt, was more the stuff.

"I think it's an extraordinarily good egg.

Always provided, of course, that the male half of the sketch is getting someone like you."

"Never mind the pretty speeches. Shall I tell you how I feel about it?"

"D."

"I feel that unless there is absolute trust between a man and a girl, they're crazy even to think of getting married, because if they're going to hide things from each other and not tell each other their troubles, their marriage is bound to go on the rocks sooner or later. A husband and wife ought to tell each other everything. I wouldn't ever dream of keeping anything from you, and if it interests you to know it, I'm as sick as mud to think that you're keeping this trouble of yours, whatever it is, from me."

"I'm not in any trouble."

"You are. What's happened, I don't know, but a short-sighted mole that's lost its spectacles could see that you're a soul in torment. When I came in here, you were groaning your head off."

Bill's self-control, so sorely tried today, cracked.

"Damn it all," he bellowed, "why shouldn't I groan? I believe Rowcester Abbey is open for being groaned in at about this hour, is it not?

I wish to heaven you would leave me alone," he went on, gathering momentum. "Who do you think you are? One of these G-men fellows questioning some rat of the Underworld? I suppose you'll be asking next where I was on the night of February the twenty-first. Don't be such an infernal Nosy Parker."

Jill was a girl of spirit, and with girls of spirit this sort of thing soon reaches saturation point.

"I don't know if you know it," she said coldly, "but when you spit on your hands and get down to it, you can be the world's premier louse."

"That's a nice thing to say."

"Well, it's the truth," said Jill.

"You're simply a pig in human shape. And if you want to know what I think," she went on, gathering momentum in her turn, "I believe what's happened is that you've gone and got mixed up with some awful female."

"You're crazy. Where the dickens could I have met any awful females?"

"I should imagine you have had endless opportunities. You're always going off in your car, sometimes for a week at a stretch. For all I know, you may have been spending your time festooned with hussies."

"I wouldn't so much as look at a hussy if you brought her to me on a plate with watercress round her."

"I don't believe you."

"And it was you, if memory serves me aright," said Bill, "who some two and a half seconds ago were shooting off your head about the necessity for absolute trust between us. Women!" said Bill bitterly. "Women! My God, what a sex!"

On this difficult situation Jeeves entered, bearing a glass on a salver.

"Your whisky and soda, m'lord," he said, much as a President of the United States might have said to a deserving citizen "Take this Congressional medal".

Bill accepted the restorative gratefully.

"Thank you, Jeeves. Not a moment before it was needed."

"And Sir Roderick and Lady Carmoyle are in the yew alley, asking to see you, m'lord."

"Good heavens! Rory and the Moke? Where did they spring from? I thought she was in Jamaica."

"Her ladyship returned this morning, I understand, and Sir Roderick obtained compassionate leave from Harrige's in order to accompany her here. They desired me to inform your lordship that they would be glad of a word with you at your convenience before the arrival of Mrs. Spottsworth."

"Before the what of who? Who on earth's Mrs.

Spottsworth?"

"An American lady whose acquaintance her ladyship made in New York, m'lord. She is expected here this evening. I gathered from what her ladyship and Sir Roderick were saying that there is some prospect of Mrs. Spottsworth buying the house."

Bill gaped.

"Buying the house?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"This house?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"Rowcester Abbey, you mean?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"You're pulling my leg, Jeeves."

"I would not take such a liberty, m'lord."

"You seriously mean that this refugee from whatever American loony-bin it was where she was under observation until she sneaked out with false whiskers on is actually contemplating paying hard cash for Rowcester Abbey?"

"That was the interpretation which I placed on the remarks of her ladyship and Sir Roderick, m'lord."

Bill drew a deep breath.

"Well, I'll be blowed. It just shows you that it takes all sorts to make a world. Is she coming to stay?"

"So I understood, m'lord."

"Then you might remove the two buckets you put to catch the water under the upper hall skylight. They create a bad impression."

"Yes, m'lord. I will also place some more drawing pins in the wallpaper. Where would your lordship be thinking of depositing Mrs.

Spottsworth?"

"She'd better have the Queen Elizabeth room. It's the best we've got."

"Yes, m'lord. I will insert a wire screen in the flue to discourage intrusion by the bats that nest there."

"We can't give her a bathroom, I'm afraid."

"I fear not, m'lord."

"Still, if she can make do with a shower, she can stand under the upper hall skylight."

Jeeves pursed his lips.

"If I might offer the suggestion, m'lord, it is not judicious to speak in that strain. Your lordship might forget yourself and let fall some such observation in the hearing of Mrs. Spottsworth."

Jill, standing at the French window and looking out with burning eyes, had turned and was listening, electrified. The generous wrath which had caused her to allude to her betrothed as a pig in human shape had vanished completely. It could not compete with this stupendous news. As far as Jill was concerned, the war was over.

She thoroughly concurred with Jeeves's rebuke.

"Yes, you poor fish," she said. "You mustn't even think like that. Oh, Bill, isn't it wonderful! If this comes off, you'll have money enough to buy a farm. I'm sure we'd do well running a farm, me as a vet and you with all your expert farming knowledge."

"My what?"

Jeeves coughed.

"I think Miss Wyvern is alluding to the fact that you have had such wide experience working for the Agricultural Board, m'lord."

"Oh, ah, yes. I see what you mean. Of course, yes, the Agricultural Board. Thank you, Jeeves."

"Not at all, m'lord."

Jill developed her theme.

"If you could sting this Mrs. Spottsworth for something really big, we could start a prize herd.

That pays like anything. I wonder how much you could get for the place."

"Not much, I'm afraid. It's seen better days."

"What are you going to ask?"

"Three thousand and five pounds two shillings and sixpence."

"What!"

Bill blinked.

"Sorry. I was thinking of something else."

"But what put an odd sum like that into your head?"

"I don't know."

"You must know."

"I don't."

"Bill you must have had some reason."

"The sum in question arose in the course of his lordship's work in connection with his Agricultural Board duties this afternoon, miss," said Jeeves smoothly. "Your lordship may recall that I observed at the time that it was a peculiar figure."

"So you did, Jeeves, so you did."

"That was why your lordship said "Three thousand and five pounds two shillings and sixpence"."

"Yes, that was why I said "Three thousand and five pounds two shillings and sixpence"."

"These momentary mental aberrations are not uncommon, I believe. If I might suggest it, m'lord, I think it would be advisable to proceed to the yew alley without further delay. Time is of the essence."

"Of course, yes. They're waiting for me, aren't they? Are you coming, Jill?"

"I can't, darling. I have patients to attend to. I've got to go all the way over to Stover to see the Mainwarings' Peke, though I don't suppose there's the slightest thing wrong with it. That dog is the worst hypochondriac."