Jonathan Foer - Here I Am

Asked to estimate how many are trapped in the rubble, the chief of Israel’s recovery effort says, “One is ten thousand too many.” The journalist follows up: “Are you suggesting ten thousand?”

DAY 3

Statement from the Israeli interior minister’s office: “This is not a time for petty squabbling. If the Islamists want control, they can have control. If they want their holy sites preserved, they can have that. But they cannot have both.”

To which the waqf responds: “The Zionists have a history of underestimating Arabs, and of keeping what it borrows.”

To which the interior minister himself responds: “Israel never estimates, and Israel never borrows.”

DAY 4

New York Times public editor: “Many readers have responded to the use of the word ‘disproportionate’ in yesterday’s front-page projection of casualties in the Middle East.”

In Lebanon, the leader of Hezbollah gives a TV address that contains the sentence “The earthquake was not a work of nature, and it was not an earthquake.”

CBS Evening News anchor: “And finally, tonight, a glimmer of hope amid the rubble. Here is the story of young Adia, the three-year-old Palestinian girl who lost her parents and three sisters in Nablus. Wandering amid the ruins, without even a last name, she took the hand of the American photojournalist John Tirr, and refused to release it.”

DAY 5

The Israeli ambassador’s response: “Perhaps we should ask the thirty-six Japanese citizens we ‘unilaterally, clumsily, and brutally’ rescued, at the expense of our own blood, if they would prefer to be airlifted back onto the Temple Mount.”

Military analyst on Fox News, on the subject of Turkey’s uncoordinated use of Israeli airspace for supply transport: “Israel’s nonreaction is either an unprecedented gesture of cooperation or a sign of the unprecedented weakness of the Israeli Air Force.”

A twenty-two-year-old Arab Israeli citizen with four missing siblings explains: “The glass bottle is useless as a weapon, so it is deadly as a symbol.” The rioting, no longer spontaneous, is known as the “tdamar,” the resentment.

The Syrian president: “Taking effect immediately, the truce and strategic alliance will include the eleven largest rebel groups.”

DAY 6

In Rome, the Pope announces: “The Vatican will fund and oversee the restoration of the Holy Sepulcher.”

Response from the synod of the Greek Orthodox Church: “The Vatican will do no such thing.”

Response from the catholicos of the Armenian Church: “The ruins shall not be altered.”

The British Parliament passes a resolution “to condition the shipment of British aid to be delivered directly to the intended recipients, rather than through Israeli channels.”

Junior (and Jewish) senator from California: “No doubt Israel is doing everything in her power to oversee the broadest, most effective recovery effort. Clearly, Israel cannot hold territories and renounce responsibility for the population.”

The German chancellor: “As Israel’s closest friend in Europe, we counsel her to use this tragedy as an opportunity to reach out to her Arab neighbors.”

Secret communiqué from the king of Jordan to the prime minister of Israel: “Our need for aid has become so extreme and urgent, we are no longer in a position to question its source.”

Response: “Is that a request, or a threat?”

Response: “It is a statement.”

The American Israel Public Affairs Committee announces the creation of two lists of public officials: “Defenders of Israel” and “Betrayers of Israel.” The first posting identifies 512 Defenders and 123 Betrayers.

Poster in Amman: STOP CHOLERA.

DAY 7

The Egyptian foreign minister’s response: “With regard to the March of a Million, we cannot prevent free people from demonstrating their brotherhood with the suffering victims of the earthquake.”

The Turkish ambassador to the UN claims: “Israel has halved the number of aid ships allowed to enter Israeli waters.”

Al Jazeera claims: “Medical supplies intended for the West Bank are being held at Israeli-controlled border crossings.”

The American secretary of state claims: “Israel is fully cooperating with all good-faith partners.”

Syria claims: “We have moved ground forces to our southern border for the purpose of self-defense.”

World Health Organization statement: “Epidemic cholera, which has now been confirmed in more than a dozen cities in the Palestinian Territories and Jordan, poses an even greater risk than either aftershocks or war.”

In a phone call to the Israeli prime minister, the American president reaffirms his country’s commitment to help secure Israel “with whatever is required, without limitations,” but adds: “This horrible disaster must inspire a fundamental change in the Middle East axioms.”

CNN anchor, forefinger to earpiece: “I’m sorry to interrupt. We’re getting reports that just before seven p.m., local time, another dramatic earthquake struck the Middle East, magnitude 7.3.”

DAY 8

From the head of Israeli civil engineering’s report, delivered by secure videoconference to the homes of Knesset members: “Among the critical structures damaged beyond use: the Defense Ministry headquarters; the Geophysical Institute in Lod; Ben Gurion International Airport; Tel Nof and Hatzor Air Force Bases. All highways have at least partial obstructions. North — south access was blocked for ninety minutes. Railways are inoperative. Ports are minimally functioning. As for the Kotel, the portions that collapsed have not compromised the integrity of the Temple Mount, but further geological events will likely lead to catastrophic failure.”

In the wake of the aftershock, Saudi Arabia and Jordan sign an agreement of “temporary unification.” Asked why Saudi Arabia’s unprecedentedly large supply line of aid also includes ground troops, the Saudi king replies: “To assist in the recovery.” Asked why it includes two hundred combat aircraft, he replies: “It doesn’t.”

Israel refuses to recognize “Transarabia,” thereby naming it.

Iran promises, “Jordan will know no greater ally than Iran,” thereby refusing to recognize Transarabia.

The UN Human Rights Council passes a resolution condemning “the catastrophic crisis created by Israel’s unilateral, unannounced, and complete withdrawal from the Occupied Territories.” No member states abstain. No member states vote against the resolution.

Asked by what means Egypt is abrogating its treaties with Israel, the Egyptian Army chief responds: “All agreements and understandings were created within a set of conditions that no longer exist.” Asked if Egypt would continue to recognize the State of Israel: “This is semantics.”

Chanting outside a Georgetown University lecture hall, in which a visiting Israeli molecular biologist is presenting a paper on differentiating pluripotent embryonal carcinoma cells: “Shame on Israel! Shame on Israel!”

375 Defenders and 260 Betrayers.

“And finally, tonight, an update on a story that has captured the hearts of so many around the world — that of young Adia. It’s with concern, but also hopes and prayers, that we report that the improvised orphanage in which Adia had been staying partially collapsed in yesterday’s aftershock. It’s believed that some of the building’s occupants were able to escape, although, as with so many, Adia’s whereabouts are unknown.”

DAY 9

Under the cover of repairmen, a squad of Israeli extremists penetrates the Dome of the Rock and sets it on fire. The arsonists are quickly detained. The prime minister of Israel issues a statement calling the “attempted arson” a “terrorist plot.”