Derek Robinson - Piece of Cake

“No. It’s all a matter of perspective.”

He groaned softly.

“Okay, I’ll make it easy,” she said. “Everybody’s looking at the idea of invasion from the British perspective. They’re all saying the British army’s got no guns and the Home Guard’s patrolling the cliffs with Elizabethan pikes and so on, therefore Hitler will do another Poland. Nobody’s looking at it from Hitler’s point of view. I mean, put yourself in Hitler’s shoes. You want to get an army across the Channel. How?”

“Paratroopers?” Quirk suggested. He and Skull sat down.

“Paratroopers, maybe,” she said. “But it takes two hundred transport planes to carry a mere five thousand paratroopers. Some get lost, some get shot down on the way. Say four thousand troops make it. Can Hitler beat England with four thousand men?”

“Obviously there will be a landing by sea as well,” Skull said.

“Right!” She was so eager that she couldn’t sit still. “Okay! So he comes by sea. How?”

“Boats,” CH3 said.

“What sort?”

“Big boats.”

“Why?”

“Obvious. Fast. Strong. Bags of room.”

“And then?”

“Then what?”

“Where do the goddam boats land?” she demanded.

“One assumes they would go for Dover,” Skull said.

“No, no, no.” Quirk waved the idea away. “Dover Harbour’s bound to be blocked. And Folkestone. In fact all the harbors near here can be blocked at the drop of a hat. Nothing to it. Piece of cake.”

“I forgot you were a bloody sailor,” CH3 said.

“Come on, then,” Jacky Bellamy urged. “You’re Hitler. What now?”

“Land the troops on the beaches,” Skull said.

“Fine!” She clapped her hands together. “ Now we’re getting nowhere! How?”

“Barges,” CH3 said. “Lots of flat-bottomed barges. Jerry’s got thousands of them. They go up and down the Rhine all the time.”

“And what makes them go?”

“Tugs, usually,” Quirk said. “Some barges have motors but mostly they have to be towed.”

“So that’s your invasion fleet, is it? Forget the warships and the minesweepers for a minute, just work on getting your troops ashore. They’re on a lot of barges, are they? How many?”

“Two hundred men per barge?” Skull looked at Quirk, who shrugged. “So five hundred barges would carry a hundred thousand men.”

“Not enough,” CH3 said. “Double it.”

“A thousand barges?” She seemed pleased with the way things were going. “Nearly all under tow? Right! What speed?”

“Depends on the weather,” Quirk said at once. “Flat calm, maybe five knots, but if there’s any chop…” He made a face. “Dodgy bit of water, the Channel. Say you average three knots.”

“Three knots. Fair enough. At that speed how long is it going to take to get those men across?”

CH3 began to speak and then changed his mind. “If you want to know the time, ask a sailor,” he said.

“It all depends on your route,” Quirk said. “Where you leave from and where you’re going to.”

“What’s wrong with Calais-Dover? Shortest possible route,” said Skull.

“You’re going to climb up those white cliffs, are you?” CH3 said. “Good luck.”

“It was only a suggestion.” Skull was nettled. “If you don’t like it, what about landing at Rye? I seem to remember Rye has a nice beach. I went there as a child and it was always very pleasant.”

“Don’t fancy Rye,” Quirk said. “I’ve sailed all up and down that coast. Lousy currents. Vicious.”

“I never paddled very far out,” Skull said.

“Where would you land?” CH3 asked Quirk.

Quirk gave it some thought, shaking his head as he mentally disqualified one beach after another. “What’ll the weather be like?” he asked.

“Changeable. It always is.”

“If the weather’s perfect I can think of two places where you might get ashore. There’s Sandgate, near Folkestone, and there’s Dungeness.”

“That’s where we’re landing,” CH3 told Jacky Bellamy firmly.

“I’m not too happy about Dungeness,” Quirk added. “You’ve got a whole string of sandbanks offshore.”

“Boulogne to Dungeness,” she said. “How long?”

“It’s not a straight line, I mean to say the tides whizz up and down at a hell of a lick and you have to go up-Channel so you can get carried back down-Channel later… How long? Oooh…” Quirk sucked his teeth. “You’d be lucky to do it in fifteen hours.”

“Fifteen hours? Agreed? Good. Next question: when are you going to land? What time of day?”

“Dawn is the usual time, isn’t it?” Skull said. “Surprise the defense and give yourself lots of daylight to fight in.”

“Hey, wait a minute…” Quirk said.

“Dawn it is,” she declared. “So when d’you set out? Fifteen hours earlier, yes? That’s 2 p.m. the day before.”

“We can’t do that,” Skull said. “They’ll see us coming.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Quirk said. “Are you proposing to make this crossing by night?”

“It’s up to you,” she said.

“Hundreds of river barges under tow with no lights? All trying to fight their way across those tidal streams? All trying to miss the banks in the middle of the Channel? The Varne, Bullock Bank, The Ridge? Christ Almighty, I’d think twice about making that trip by day, in a good boat. Anyone who tows a barge from Boulogne to Dungeness at night is asking for trouble. Big trouble.”

“Five hundred barges,” she said. “A thousand.”

“That’s a formula for disaster.”

“All right,” CH3 said, “send ’em across by day and make the landing by night.”

“But then they would be completely exposed to attack en route ” Skull said.

“Not if they’ve got air cover.”

“It’s not as easy as that,” Quirk said. “I don’t care how many planes you’ve got, it’s still bloody difficult to hit a destroyer doing thirty knots. D’you know what a destroyer looks like from two thousand feet? It looks like a paperclip. Turn me loose with a destroyer and I guarantee I’d carve up those barges long before any air cover got to me.”

“Where’s the German Navy?” CH3 asked. “Picking its nose in a corner?”

“What German Navy? I doubt if they’ve got twenty ships they can put together. We sank half their destroyers in the Norwegian campaign.”

“And we lost ours at Dunkirk.”

“We lost four,” Skull said. “Out of forty.”

“If they couldn’t stop us getting the army away from Dunkirk,” said Quirk, “I don’t see the German Navy keeping us off this invasion fleet, do you?”

“They’ll bloody Stuka you to death,” CH3 said.

“At night?”

“But if it’s really dark,” Skull said, “you might not see the barges. They might slip past you.”

“I’m not talking about one destroyer,” Quirk explained. “I’m talking about forty, fifty, sixty destroyers. And a dozen cruisers and a couple of battleships and Christ knows how many corvettes and MTB’s. All we need is a few hours’ notice.”

“You’ve still got to hit the barges,” CH3 said stubbornly. “Five hundred barges take a lot of shelling.”

“Waste of time,” Quirk said. “Have you ever seen the wake a big ship throws up when it’s in a hurry? It’s enough to capsize every flat-bottomed barge that gets in its way. The Navy wouldn’t waste shells on Jerry. We’d sink him with our wash.”

“Your theory, then,” Skull said, “is that this air battle is irrelevant.”

“It’s more than a theory,” she said. “It’s a hell of a good story, because it’s based on hard fact. It’s a fact that the RAF alone can’t stop an invasion. If Hitler sends his fleet over by night the RAF won’t even see it, and if his stormtroopers hit the beach at dawn the Luftwaffe will give them an umbrella because right now it’s stronger than you are. However, none of that matters a damn because Hitler’s no mug. He knows he can’t get a thousand little river barges across the Channel while his Navy’s outnumbered ten to one, so he won’t even try.”