C Taylor - Nadya's War

Those dark seeds, however, never blossomed in to action. Suicide would result in eternal damnation, and while I felt God had little care for me and my plight, I didn’t want to do anything to seal my fate forever. I’d also dishonor my lineage of ancestors who’d lost family and friends time and again, yet still fought on with heads held high. The pain of Tania’s loss would pass, I told myself, and I refocused my thoughts on the gentle sound and vibration of Bri’s purrs.

Stupid cat. As much as I tried to find my strength, I knew I was pretending to be the huntress. Clearly I was not. The huntress didn’t sit at home, worried to death, and question everything she did. The huntress, like the mouser, lounged, purred, and knew who the mice were. A mouse could never change that.

“There’s nothing you could have done, you know.”

Klara approached with a thick blanket wrapped around her. I shrugged at her comment and went back to my staring. “You weren’t there,” I said. “I anticipated the fight with Gridnev’s Messer. A good pilot would’ve done the same with Rademacher and brought Tania home. So what does that make me to everyone else?”

“It shouldn’t matter,” she said. “You should be proud of yourself no matter what anyone else thinks of you.”

“It shouldn’t, but it does,” I said. “Funny thing is, I get the feeling that even if I had shot Rademacher down, I’d still feel the same way.”

“I think if you shot him down you’d explode with excitement,” she said.

Two months ago, I would’ve agreed without question. Now, I couldn’t even force myself to. “In the moment, maybe,” I said. “But I don’t care about my victory today, and I’m not sure why. I honestly don’t think having Rademacher’s name attached to it would change anything.”

“You’re crazy,” Klara said with a stifled laugh. “But for what it’s worth, Gridnev thinks you did well. So does Alexandra.”

I perked. “Since when do you talk to her?”

“Since you came back looking like Vladimir Sukhomlinov and told Alexandra to leave you alone.”

I snorted. Vladimir Sukhomlinov was the Minister of War during the Great War, disgraced and exiled for near-traitorous performance. “Perhaps I should be punished like he was. I couldn’t save another girl, and I turned tail and ran the moment I could. Hardly the daring warrior I should be.”

God, I was a wreck. Part of me wanted to defend and fight as I should, both of which required me killing the enemy, and I was starting to realize that the other part hated every bit of it. This idea was new, small, but clearly there, like a lighthouse barely cresting over the horizon, calling in the dark. This put me at odds with myself, and I was certain the war wouldn’t ever let it be resolved.

Klara sat next to me and put half the blanket across my shoulders so we could share it. I’d been out here so long, I’d grown numb to the cold—palm aside. A rat gnawing on my bones would’ve been more pleasant than what raced up my arms. For the love of all, I wanted a syrette more than I wanted life itself at that point.

“I’m sorry I’m such poor company,” I said, nestling into her. “I know this was supposed to be our special time I’d promised, but I’m stuck on that sortie.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad to be with you through thick or thin.” Klara leaned her head on mine. “You know, if you hadn’t been there, no one might have come back.”

“What do you mean?”

“Despite the fact Rademacher was there, you still shot down one of his own,” she replied. “Alexandra sent another into the ground, and the Major came home alive. Not to mention, all the bombers made successful drops and got back alive. There are a lot of girls here who wouldn’t have fared as well.”

Her words sank into my mind. She had me there. Many others in our regiment would have ended up as a tally on Rademacher’s tail, but I also knew if I hadn’t been in pain, I might have reacted fast enough clear Tania’s six. “I wish I could’ve done more is all.”

“I know,” she said. “I’m sure the Major and Alexandra think the same about themselves. But you’ve got to stop beating yourself up. You’re destined for greatness.”

“No. Greatness isn’t reserved for a—”

I cut myself off, and Klara picked it right up. “A what?”

I wanted to say it wasn’t reserved for a drugged-addicted thief, but I couldn’t get the words out.

She rubbed my shoulder and gently wiped my cheeks. “Why are you crying?”

I sniffed and cleared my eyes. “I really want some morphine.”

“We’ll get through it.”

“No, you don’t understand.” I paused for a good three breaths to work up my courage. “I almost took some today.”

“But you didn’t.” Her words were quiet now, barely audible over my heart pounding in my chest.

“Not by choice. After the debrief, I tried to slip into the doctor’s office, but he came back early from lunch.” I felt my soul retreat far away out of shame, and I sat there for God knew how long, waiting for Klara to disown me.

Instead, she turned my chin and planted a kiss square on my lips. She brushed my cheek, and my hand pressed into her chest with a slight quiver. All I could do was hold my breath while my mind ran wild with delight and shock.

She sucked in a breath before kissing me again. Passion flowed from her into me, and my body warmed in response. The tip of her tongue found the inside of my mouth, and her hands went under my coat. I ran my fingers through her hair before running them down her neck.

The engagement lasted for eternity yet ended in a flash—such is the way of love. When I finally pulled back, it was only because fear gripped me as to what destiny we were both barreling out of control toward. She wanted it all, but I couldn’t spare the energy for secrets, and female couples were not looked highly upon. “Klara—”

She put a finger on my mouth and silenced me. “I need to say something,” she said with her voice trembling as much as my body. “I love you, Nadya. I’ve loved you ever since we first met. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but was afraid. All I could do was pen a thousand love letters in my head and imagine you lighting up each time you read them.”

“Why are you telling me now?”

“Because I want you to know there’s nothing on Earth you could say or do to drive me away,” she said. “I’ll be here for you through anything and everything. I know I said I didn’t want attention, but I meant from others, not you. I want your attention more than anything else in this world.”

Goosebumps rose on my skin. My mouth opened, but no words came out. Somehow, the gravity of my addiction paled to the seriousness of her confession.

“Please say something,” she said, looking as vulnerable as a lamb lost in the wild.

“I love you, too,” I said. “But…”

My hesitation filled in the rest. Klara’s brow furrowed, and there was pain in her eyes that could have only come from a twisted knife to the heart. “I thought—” She scooted away, and she stared at the ground while fidgeting with her hands. “We’ve always been so close. I don’t understand. You kissed me. You let me kiss you.”

“I did. God, I was about to kiss you again long before this.”

“Then why the ‘but’?”

I loved the intimacy of our souls uniting to where the world around meant nothing. Tania’s loss, however, hammered a lesson I loathed to learn. The war did not cooperate with one’s plans for the future. “I don’t want you to get hurt,” I said. “Not with all the fighting and paranoid officers everywhere. One of these days I might not come back. Worse, they could drag us out of our bunks while we slept if certain people caught wind.”