Джозеф Конрад - Suspense

“I ought to have known that he was incapable of any generosity. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think much about it. I, who had overcome my shyness enough to become, young as I was, a perfect hostess in a world which I knew so little, because, after all, that sort of thing was in my tradition, I was really too stupid, too unsophisticated, for those ten months to have been a lesson to me. I had learned nothing, any more than one learns from a nightmare or from a period of painful illness. I simply breathed freely. I became again the old Adèle. I dismissed Monsieur de Montevesso from my thoughts as though he had never lived. Can you believe this, Cosmo? It is astonishing how facts can fail to impress one; brutalities, abuse, scenes of passion, mad exhibitions of jealousy, as long as they do not attack your conception of your moral personality. All this fell off me like a poisoned robe, leaving hardly a smart behind. I raised my head like a flower after a thunderstorm. Don’t think my character is shallow, Cosmo. There were depths in me that could be reached, but till then I had been only tormented, shocked, surprised, but hardly even frightened. It was he who had suffered. But my turn was to come.”

“I don’t think you were ever a person of shallow feelings.”

“One’s feelings must mature like everything else, and I assure you I had not yet stopped growing. The next six months were to finish my education. For by that time I had lost all my illusions. While I was breathing freely between my father and mother, forgetting the world around us, Montevesso was going about the town with his complaints and his suspicions; regretting he had let me go, and enraged that I should have gone from him so easily. And you may be sure he found sympathisers. A rich man, you understand! Who could refuse sympathy to so much wealth? He was obviously a much ill–used man, all the faults, of course, were on my side; in less than a month I found myself the centre of underhand intrigues and the victim of a hateful persecution. Friends, relatives, mere acquaintances in the world of emigration entered Monsieur de Montevesso’s service. They spied on my conduct and tampered with the servants. There were assemblies in his house where my character was torn to shreds. Some of those good friends offered him their influence in Rome for the annulment of the marriage, for a consideration, of course. Others discovered flaws in the marriage contract. They invented atrocious tales. There were even horrid verses made about that scandal; till at last he himself became disgusted with the wretches and closed his house and his purse to them. Years later he showed me a note of their names and the amounts paid for all those manifestations of sympathy. He must have been impressed and disgusted by the retrospect, because it was a big lot of money. As to the names, they were aristocratic enough to flatter his plebeian pride. He showed the list to me, just to hurt my feelings.

“Some sinners have been stoned, but I, an innocent girl of seventeen, had been pelted with mud beyond endurance. It was impossible to induce him to come to any sort of arrangement that would leave me in peace. All the world, influenced by his paid friends, was against me. What could I do? Calumnies are hard to bear. Harder than truth. Even my parents weakened. He promised to make amends. Of course I went back to him, as one would crawl out of the mud amongst clean thorns that can but tear one’s flesh. He received me back with apologies that were as nearly public as such things can be. It was a vindication of my character. But directly he had me with him again, he gave way to his fits of hatred as before, such hatred as only black jealousy can inspire. It was terrible. For even jealousy has its gradations, coloured by doubts and hopes, and his was the worst, the hopeless kind, since he could never forget my honest declaration.”

The Countess de Montevesso’s voice died out, and then Cosmo looked up. She was a little pale, which made her eyes appear darker than ever he had seen them before. Cosmo was too young yet to understand the full meaning of this confession, but his very youth invested the facts with a sort of romantic grandeur, while the woman before him felt crushed by the feeling of their squalid littleness. Without looking at him she said:

“We went travelling for a year and a half, stayed for a time in Paris, where he began to make scenes again, and then we went on to Italy. The pretext was to make me known to some of his relations. I don’t believe he could remember his mother, and his father, an old dealer in rabbit–skins, I believe, had died some time before. As to the rest, I think that his heart failed him, notwithstanding the brutal pride he used at times to display to me. He took me to see some decayed people living in old ruined houses, whom I verily believe he bribed to pass for his more distant connections. It was a strange pilgrimage amongst the most squalid shams, something that you cannot conceive, yet I didn’t rebel against the horrible humiliation of it. It was part of the bargain. Sometimes I thought that he would kill me in one of those wild places in some lost valley where the people, only a degree removed from peasants in their dress and speech, fawned upon him as the wealthy cousin and benefactor. I am certain that during those wanderings he was half–distracted. It was I who went through all this unmoved. But I don’t suppose my life was ever in any danger. At that time none of his moods lasted long enough to let him carry out any definite purpose. And then he is not a man of criminal instincts. After all he is, perhaps, a great adventurer. He has commanded armies of a hundred thousand men. He has in a sense faced the power of England in India. The very fact that he had managed to get out of it with so much wealth and with quite a genuine reputation shows that there is something in him. I don’t know whether it’s that that obtained for him a very gracious reception from Bonaparte when he dragged me back to Paris.”

Madame de Montevesso paused, looking at the white ashes in which the sparks had not died out yet. “Yes,” she went on, “I lived near Paris through the whole time of the empire. I had a charming house in the country. Monsieur de Montevesso had established me in a style which he considered worthy of himself, if not of me. He could never forgive me for being what I am. He was tolerated by the returned emigrants for my sake, but he grew weary of his own unhappiness and resolved to live by himself in his own province, where he could be a great personage. Perhaps he is not altogether a bad man. He consented eagerly to my parents, who had obtained permission to return to France, joining me in the country. I tasted again some happiness in the peace of our semi–retired life and in their affection. Our world was that of the old society, the world of returned nobles. They hated and despised the imperial power, but most of them were ready to cringe before it. Yes, even the best were overawed by the real might under the tinsel of that greatness. Our circle was very small and composed of convinced Royalists, but I could not share their hatreds and their contempts. I felt myself a Frenchwoman. I had liberal ideas….”

She noticed Cosmo’s eyes fixed on her with eager and friendly curiosity, and paused with a faint smile.

“You understand me, Cosmo?” she asked. The latter gave a little nod without detaching his eyes from the face which seemed to him to glow with the light of generous feelings, but already Madame de Montevesso was going on.

“I did not want to be patronised by all those returned duchesses who wanted to teach me how to feel and how to behave. Their own behaviour was a mixture of insolence and self–seeking before that government which they feared and despised. I didn’t fear it, but neither could I despise it. My heart was heavy during all those years, but it was not downcast. All Europe was aflame, and the blaze scorched and dazzled and filled one with awe and with forebodings; but then one always heard that fire purifies all which it cannot destroy. The world would perhaps come out better from it.”