Shan Sa - Empress

I had been slender, slight, and strong. I was becoming heavy, nervous, and vulnerable. I was afraid of tripping; I would wake in the night dreaming of the assassins sent by the Empress and the Resplendent Wife. Fearing I might be poisoned like the Delicate Concubine Xu, who had lost her child at the end of the eighth month, I ate only dishes prepared by Ruby and Emerald on a stove set up in my room.

The hatred between the Empress and the Resplendent Wife was reaching its height. Having ruthlessly put pressure on the sovereign, the favorite wrenched a promise from him that he would designate her son as heir. But in the Outer Court, the Great Ministers were unanimous in opposing this pernicious nomination that would inevitably bring about the deposition of Empress Wang. They suggested to the Empress that she should adopt Prince Loyalty, who had been borne of a slave girl, then force the Master of the World to recognize him as the Supreme Son.

The turmoil churning in the Forbidden City afforded me unhoped-for peace. I made sure I was forgotten. Ruby and Emerald hid me in one of those countless modest pavilions in the heart of the Side Court. The midwife hung a wide ribbon from the top of the bed and told me to pull on it with all my might in moments of extreme pain. In my dark burrow with its shutters and windows closed, I lost all notion of time. The contractions became increasingly violent. My sweat mingled with my tears. Between my shrieks, I could hear the women weeping, and one voice saying my hips were too narrow. No, I don’t want to die! I am stronger than suffering. I push, I tear, I dig into the depths of my entrails to bring this life out into the light!

The loud cries of a newborn baby bring me around.

“Mistress, greatest congratulations! It is a prince!”

When Mother brought me into this world, did she know that she would have a king among her descendants? Emerald showed me the swaddled bundle of life. Through his veins the divine blood of the Son of Heaven flowed. It was a miracle that my mind had trouble grasping. His name would be Splendor. Splendor like the legendary first name of Lao-tzu, the founder of Taoism, the glorious ancestor of the Tang dynasties.

WHEN THE DAYS tainted with blood had passed, Little Phoenix ran to my pavilion. As he came toward me, I realized that childbirth was a huge upheaval from which every woman emerges transformed. I could tell from his eyes that I was radiant. I heard my voice ring out, it was more human, more soothing. I was more alert, my senses more acute; I could read my sovereign’s thoughts as if they were in an open book. I could make his heart quiver and dictate my wishes to him with a smile.

The Emperor presented me with the Palace of Wandering Clouds. By his decree, I was granted the seal of Courteous Concubine of the second rank, the highest remaining position in the gynaeceum. Little Phoenix also immediately offered my son the kingdom of Dai, thereby having me venerated by the entire world as the mother of a king.

Splendor’s birth was my own rebirth. Every ray of light, every last caterpillar on a tiny leaf, every twinkle of sunlight on the lake, and every startled flight of a bird made me tremble with joy. A gray curtain had been raised, a world of delights had been proven possible in the Forbidden City.

My dearest wish was finally realized: An imperial regiment galloped to the province of Bing, Mother stepped into a carriage that I had hastened to her, and she left the village of Wu amid great pomp and ceremony. She received from the sovereign’s hand a vast residence staffed by countless servants in the noble quarter of Long Peace. Elder sister, who had been widowed four years previously, joined Mother in the capital. Both were given permission to enter the gynaeceum. Our tears set free all the sorrow of our separation; a wound was wiped from my heart. My glory and fortune were now theirs. Thanks to me, they would now know happiness.

The Emperor deserted the Empress’s bedchamber. The Emperor neglected the Resplendent Wife. The Emperor spent all his nights at the Palace of Wandering Clouds where my family had become his. I ignored the Empress Wang who screamed that it was scandalous and her Lady Mother who accused me of betraying my mistress’s goodness. I no longer forbade myself happiness nor tried to hide my maternal pride.

Since her son had been removed from succession to the throne, the Resplendent Wife had shut herself away in her palace and drugged herself. When, on my insistence, the Emperor determined to force his way in, he no longer recognized the favorite who was reduced to little more than a skeleton. She wept as she enumerated her aching disappointments and heaped insults on me. She wagged an accusing finger, bony as a chicken’s leg. A torrent of confused words and bestial groans streamed from her scrawny frame. She threw herself at the sovereign and begged him to love her.

Little Phoenix came back to the Wandering Clouds in tears. He blamed himself for destroying this woman who had once been so beautiful. I comforted him and gave him a cheering piece of news: His seed had impregnated my belly a second time.

My name was on everyone’s lips in high society in Long Peace. Dignitaries who were only now discovering my existence could not understand this miracle: The Empress was in disgrace, and all the glory of the Resplendent Wife was a thing of the past. In two years, I had banished both women from the Emperor’s heart.

My origins and my past were a source of gossip. Born of an ennobled commoner, a Talented One in the previous Emperor’s court, a nun in the Monastery of Rebirth, my life had been an adventure worthy of popular legend. As they approached thirty, Court ladies-however beautiful-became almost worthless, but I had the love of a sovereign three years my junior! Vipered tongues claimed that I had magical sexual powers and boundless ambition. The Empress and the Resplendent Wife were determined to depict me as a she-devil. They took turns slandering me before the sovereign. While one accused me of pouring poison in her glass, the other claimed that I had taken a monk as a lover, and he had fathered Splendor. Then, when they saw that the Emperor did not believe a single word, these mortal enemies became inseparable friends. The Empress praised the Resplendent Wife’s gentleness, and she in turn recognized her former mistress’s generosity.

Confronted with these violent attacks, I had to organize my defense. At five months pregnant, I was forbidden all sexual relations. For fear that Little Phoenix would go back to frequenting other pavilions where he might give credence to the spiteful gossip, I offered him Elder Sister’s body.

The rumors and defamation did not reach the sovereign while he was blinded and deafened by a new carnal passion. Purity took over for me in the imperial bedchamber and fought valiantly for our mutual happiness. Knowing that she was beside Little Phoenix meant I could concentrate on the forthcoming birth. My narrow hips might kill me yet. If I were to die, I would be delivered from the abuses of the Forbidden City. If I were to live, I would be reborn stronger than ever!

A princess opened her eyes to the world one spring morning. I gave my daughter the most beautiful cradle in the world and the fattest wet-nurses. Her cries made me smile and weep in turn. She would be happy and fragile like her father and ardent and stubborn like her mother. She would be impetuous as the Eternal Ancestor and gentle and good as Mother. I would make her an erudite poetess, a peerless horsewoman. She would experience every happiness that is forbidden to women and the freedoms I had never known!

The Court ladies filed through my palace to present their compliments. Entire halls were filled with gifts from dignitaries. I received the Empress and the Resplendent Wife, who decided to make the trip to see me together, hand in hand. Even though Ruby and Emerald whispered to me that their good wishes were not heartfelt, I thanked them warmly. I would find a way of being reconciled with them.