Ever Dundas - Goblin

Holy holy holy lord have mercy trap trap trapped in chains in ropes bound in bound down lord have mercy christ have mercy hear us o lord o god the father have mercy on us in the shadow of this cross pressed down bound down bound in holy mother holy virgin of virgins have mercy have mercy sisters and saints the holy holy martyrs the angels above all holy angels o blessed revelation angel in holy holy water drip drip dripped in chains in ropes bound in bound down holy patriarchs and prophets saint john the baptist no head hahaa hahaa saint sebastian punctured and bled and bled in rivers of red deliver us from evil deliver us from deliver us from evil ring the bells saint agatha hahaa cut off cut from and bled and delivered from evil you have no power over me bound in bound down unclean spirit unclean unclean I command you the children of god the child of god this child of god blessed be blessed be glory glory glory the way the light the truth I cast you out from this creature of god devil begone no devils here not here no devils never to return no devils no devil amen.

‘There’s rabbits,’ he said, his face right up against mine. I stared at the ceiling, at the peeling picture of the Virgin Mary.

‘There’s rabbits, five of them, down in the larder, hanging, waiting to be eaten. I shot them and I hurt them until they died. Every one. I can tell you all about it. Would you like that? Would you like me to tell you a bedtime story?’

I closed my eyes and drifted on dreams of Angel and the sea.

‘Devil worshipping scum,’ he said, and spat in my face. His saliva dribbled down my cheek.

‘I’m the favourite now,’ he said.

‘Luke, they’re not giving up on this. They believe you’re possessed. Are you listening? Can you hear me?’

I rolled my head to the side and looked up at Miss Hallows.

‘You need to repent. Do you know what I’m saying? You need to repent.’

She gave me a drink and helped me sit up. I stuffed bread in my mouth.

‘Not too much, you’ll be sick. Luke, they think you shot John.’

I did shoot the son of a bitch.

‘They showed everyone the devil you made. John said you were going to bring it to life. He showed them your scribblings in those blasphemous books – cannibalism, shapeshifting, worshipping serpents.’

‘Lizards,’ I said. ‘Lizard people.’

‘They think you’re evil.’

I was born blue. Dirty little goblin-runt.

‘You’re not getting out of here until you repent.’

She meant it. I hadn’t figured it out until she said it. She was on their side. They were tired, they were weary. They wanted me pure.

‘I’ll bring the reverend,’ she said, ‘and this time you have to repent.’

She was gone and Isabella was there holding the heart, blood dripping between her fingers.

‘You can’t be here,’ I said. ‘You’re in London.’

‘Do you remember your prayers?’ she said.

‘I remember.’

‘You can’t fake it.’

‘I don’t have to,’ I said. ‘You need to leave. The reverend is coming.’

I was demon child covered in shit and piss stained in pig pig piggy shit and piss stinking and stinking and rotting. The stench of evil tied in ropes tied down in the attic on a bed in the attic with mary and jesus and the cross for friends all stuck on the wall eyes on me and in my mind in my closed eyes the revelation angel of the sea far away drifting as the reverend in the attic was all rat-a-tat-tat! Begone begone holy holy holy rat-a-tat-tat london rat bound down cross pressed close down hard bruised down rope shapes cross shapes body bruised body razed body bound down bound in behind the eyes floating in the sea with the revelation angel drip drip drip devil begone amen. No devils here, sir. No devils ever again. All gone all clean all pure.

Margaret untied me. Tom was behind her, carrying a tin bath, a bath for me to make the unclean clean. Inside outside scrub scrub scrub. She peeled off my clothes and I thought, shit, this is it – no more Luke all gone all gone, a Miriam instead? A Holy Holy Holy Virgin Mary? An Esther, whatever you please, who am I to choose? She didn’t say a word, but turned her head away sick with the stench of me and lifted me into the water, scrubbing and scrubbing turning red turning the clean and pure water black with sin.

I climbed out, wrapping myself in a towel, dripping sin across the floor. I watched it roll off me and I felt cleansed. I was good and clean and pure.

Tom took away the bath. Margaret didn’t say a word to Tom, not then and not ever as far as I can know so I stayed a Luke for then for them and Margaret brought me food. Bread and water bread and water the body of Christ the body of Christ.

They paraded me down the aisle, made me stand on a platform. Praise the Lord, for I was saved.

The reverend had come up to the attic and I dazzled him. I remembered my prayers well, and the hymns, and passages from the bible I’d learned off by heart. I picked wisely and reeled them off. I was pure, I was holy, I was saved.

They let me out of the attic, dressed me up smart and took me to a church on the outskirts of town, showing me to the congregation, showing what the power of the Lord could achieve. Holy holy holy.

Angel had been outside the house when we left. Margaret invited her to the church. ‘Your friend has been saved,’ she said.

The whole service I stared at Angel. Everyone closed their eyes and bowed their heads in prayer but I stared at Angel. She unclasped her hands and looked up at me, turning her palm to face me. ‘I love you’ was scrawled across her hand. She held it there, as if in salute. At first I thought I’d choke just from wanting to go and touch her, to feel her fingers in mine. She winked at me and I smiled, I thought I’d start snorting with laughter, I thought I’d choke on misery and laughter, and I smiled. It was then I decided to gut the rabbits.

Old lady Taylor had herbs that would send you into a deep sleep. It was easy for me to get a hold of them and slip them in John and pretend parents’ dinner.

Then I cut out the rabbit eyes and I sliced open their bellies. The house was still. The oil lamp flickered. I carried the rabbits upstairs and laid them across John. I pulled the guts out of the bellies and scattered them over his body. I placed the eyes on his eyelids. He didn’t stir.

I left the house, picking up my bag and a shovel by the door. I went to the pig pen and Corporal Pig came trotting out. We walked through the town. The buildings looked unreal in the moonlight. John had told me Monsta’s remains were buried at the crossroads on the edge of town, and I saw the mound of earth next to the wall. I dug up Monsta, stuffing the broken pieces into my bag. I dumped the shovel and doubled-back into town.

I climbed the fence into the Tremayne garden and threw stones at Angel’s window. Her washed-out face appeared then vanished, and there she was in front of me. I touched her face, and I held her.

‘I have to go,’ I said.

She nodded, her lips pinched. Corporal Pig snuffled at her feet.

‘What’d they do to you?’

I shrugged.

‘John told them I had a demon in me.’

‘That shit. He’ll suffer, I’ll make sure of it.’

‘I put rabbit guts on John. I said a lizard curse. He’ll stink of rabbit guts forever.’

‘Good,’ she said. She held my hand and we kissed. She tasted like the sea.

‘You could stay,’ she said. ‘With us. Ann and Bill will take you in, we can share a room—’

‘I can’t. Not after everything.’