Tracie Peterson - Dawns Prelude

"Sometimes it helps to talk a thing through."

Lydia shrugged. "I don't know where I'd even begin."

"Maybe start by telling me what caused you to flee our company this evening," Zerelda suggested. She sat down on the side of the bed and smiled. "Or you could start with Kjell showing up."

"I don't know what to think of him," Lydia admitted. She looked at Zerelda. "Why did you never marry?"

Zerelda hadn't anticipated this change of topic, but if it helped Lydia to relate her concerns, it was just as good a place to start as any other.

"I was in love once. It was before the War Between the States. He was a wonderful young man -a minister, in fact. I thought… well, I thought the entire world turned around him." She smiled sadly. "I was twenty-three, and he was twenty-nine."

"What happened?"

"He didn't return my love." Pain washed over her anew.

"How did you know?"

The interest evident in Lydia 's tone encouraged Zerelda to bear the sorrow once again. "I asked him. Actually, I told him of my feelings, and while he was kind, he told me he couldn't return my love. He left the area shortly after that. The gold rush in California had become well known, and he felt God was calling him west."

"But didn't he say why he couldn't love you?"

Zerelda shook her head. There had never been any explanation beyond his gentle apology. He had almost seemed embarrassed that he had somehow allowed it to happen as if he could have stopped Zerelda from losing her heart in the first place.

Lydia 's voice softened. "Did you ever hear from him again?"

"No. I heard about him from one of his relatives. He left the ministry and was taken with gold fever. He never made it rich, but that's all I ever knew of him."

"Were you angry at God?"

She smiled at Lydia. It was the second time Lydia had asked a similar question. "No. How could I blame God for the fact that the man didn't feel the same way I did?"

Her niece seemed to consider this for a moment. "Well, my mother always said that God knows everything and has all power. Since you loved God even then, why couldn't He have returned that love through this man?"

"Sort of a situation where, because I did something for God, He should do something for me?" Zerelda asked.

Lydia nodded. "Exactly. You had shown your loyalty and love to God, so why couldn't He reward you with a love of your own?"

"I suppose He could have done anything He wanted," Zerelda replied. But that really isn't how it works with Him. He has already given us the best and most precious love He could. He sent His Son to dic an awful death for our sins. How could I hold up my puny attempts at love and faithfulness and demand He bless me for my efforts?"

"But if He is the loving God you and Mother always declared Him to be, why not expect that?"

"Let me say this," Zerelda began. "I do expect good things from God. I believe He wants to bless me and does all of the time. However, I also trust that there was a good reason for not marrying my young man. I can honestly say I wouldn't have done well traipsing around the gold fields. I would never have been happy, especially to see him give up the ministry. Added to that, I never would have become a nurse that was heavily influenced by the war."

"So we are to just look at life and its sorrows and disappointments as blessings in disguise?"

"Well, if we can, why not?"

Lydia frowned. "I just don't understand. If God truly loves us, why doesn't He just keep us from the painful things to begin with? Why not just… well, force other people to…" She seemed at a loss for words.

Zerelda gave a chuckle. "Force other people to do what we want? That would take away their free will, then, wouldn't it?"

"But what if they are evil people? Why do they deserve free will or God's blessings? Surely God doesn't love the evil man as much as He loves the good man."

She heard the desperate need in Lydia 's voice and wished she could explain. "Suppose you have twins growing inside you. You give birth, and they grow up. One child is truly good, and one is had. The good child obeys you and works hard to earn your approval, while the had one grieves you and disappoints. Would you love one more than the other?"

"Well, it would certainly he easier to love the good child," Lydia said thoughtfully "He would he more pleasant to he around, and you would want to reward his actions."

"True, but would you cease to love the child who did wrongwho showed no concern for you or your desires?"

Lydia seemed to consider this for several moments, until finally she spoke. "I cannot say. I can't imagine turning away from any babe I give life to, but neither can I see myself happy with the actions of a selfish, willful child."

And so it is with God. He isn't happy with the evil man or his actions, hut neither can He completely turn His hack on the man. He wants all to be saved and none to perish to eternal damnation."

"So He even wanted Floyd to be saved? Marston and Mitchell, too? Despite all the suffering they have caused over the years, God would simply open the gates of heaven and welcome them in should they decide to ask Him?"

Zerelda did not miss the accusing tone of her voice. "My dear girl, who can know the mind of God' It's more than we can fathom. However, if you again think of the situation in regard to your own child or children, then I think understanding begins to dawn. Just consider it in that manner for a time."

"I'm sorry, Zerelda. I don't mean to be so unpleasant when it comes to something you hold so dear. A year ago, I wouldn't have even engaged in such a conversation," she admitted. "But you arc helping inc to see that maybe I have been wrong about other things in my life, so maybe… maybe I'm wrong about God, as well."

Her confession gave Zerelda's heart hope. She squeezed Lydia 's hand. "1 only want you to know about love real love. It's there for you, my darling."

"I'd like to believe so," Lydia said with a deep sigh. "I'd really like to believe that."

"Then do. Let go of the past and allow yourself to fall in love again," Zerelda encouraged.

Lydia looked at her blankly "I can't fall in love again. I've never fallen in love to begin with."

Zerelda smiled. "Then let this be the first and hopefully last-time. Kjell is a good man, and I believe he cares a great deal about you."

Lydia heard a wagon approaching far down the drive and figured Kjell was bringing Zerelda home from town. Earlier that day, her aunt had felt consumed by the need to go and check on some of the families in the Ranche. She said oftentimes God prompted her to go just when her help was needed the most. Lydia considered such beliefs with skepticism. No one had been prompted to come to her aid when she had been in trouble. No divine intervention had kept her safe from harm. She supposed that was the very thing she could not reconcile in considering a relationship with God: Where had He been all those years? Why did He seem to care for one person, yet let another suffer?

She forced the thought from her mind and went to the door. Taking the last of the rugs outside, she set about beating them on the far side of the porch. It had been raining off an on all day, but for the moment, there was little more than a mist against the growing twilight of the early evening. A single bay gelding appeared around the bend, and Lydia recognized the horse and closed carriage owned by the postmaster. Perhaps Zerelda had gotten a ride from Mr. Fuller.

The rug nearly slipped over the rail, causing Lydia to return her attention to her task. There would be time for visiting soon enough. She knew her aunt would invite Mr. Fuller inside for coffee or tea. On days like this, it was more than a neighborly thing to do-it was necessary in order to let folks warm up and dry off.