Kerry Young - Pao

Me, I wasn’t sure what we was so busy celebrating because all that happen so far was Her Majesty say OK. But it seem like everybody think we already do what we need to, whereas for me Independence was just the beginning of something we might do. At least when Mao Zedong was marching he just done win a war after twenty-five years of fighting. Busta on the other hand still had to show us that he could do something to improve the country, especially in agriculture and industry, and education and employment. And to make it even more of a challenge for him, he got more people to look after because less and less of them feel like they want to go set sail for England.

I feel sorry for Manley though. He was the premier under the colonial government and he put so much effort into us getting our freedom, what with the vote in 1944 and the whole thing with the Federation, and working so hard for Independence. And then after all of that he had to go sit down and watch Busta become the first prime minister of an Independent Jamaica. That musta hurt.

Then no more than a week after all that done one day I go see Gloria and find she in a mood ’bout where Esther going go to school to finish her education.

I say to her, ‘The child only ten years old. What you fret yourself about?’

And she say to me, ‘Ten years old, that is exactly when you have to be fretting. Next year she not a baby any more. She got to go to high school and where you think she going go? Where Karl going go? Him being the same age and all.’

‘I guess he go to St George’s. I should imagine that is what Fay have in mind.’

‘And where little Mui going go, Immaculate Conception?’

‘She seven years old, Gloria! Rest yourself nuh.’

‘No, man. You have to take some interest in this.’

‘We can’t be sending Esther to Immaculate, Gloria. You know that. Them nuns will be asking all sorta questions ’bout who her papa is. What you want to do, bring down a whole heap of scandal on my head?’

‘What scandal? Who you think dunno that Esther your child?’

‘Fay. Fay dunno nothing ’bout it. It one thing me being here with you like this but it a whole different thing if she know you got a child.’

‘You think Fay dunno? What daydream you living in if you think Fay don’t know?’

And just when I look ’round I see the door closing. Slow and gentle and quiet. And I realise that just how me and Gloria standing up in the kitchen, Esther is behind the dining-room door listening to every word that she don’t want to hear.

The whole thing vex me. All this commotion over what? As if it matter which school the child go to. I didn’t go to no school at all and I still learn to read and write and count good enough to carry on my business.

But Gloria won’t let this thing go. She on and on about Immaculate till it get so bad I can hardly stand to go over there to see her no more. It not about the money. She know that I happy to pay. Is just that Esther skin really dark. The child didn’t even ease up a couple of shades. And a child that dark in a school like Immaculate, everybody going want to know who her papa is. And I just didn’t think I could bring that much shame on Fay. Having it so public like that whether or not she know. Even though Fay don’t seem to think that much of me, I didn’t think I could do that to her.

So next time I go collect Mui from Father Michael, because she spend regular time with him now, I ask him what he think ’bout the whole school thing. And he say to me that Gloria only want the best for Esther. And that even though things changing in Jamaica we still not yet at a point where it don’t matter which school you go to, because right now in Jamaica it is still the darker-skinned Jamaican that is digging the road, and the lighter-skinned Jamaican that is running the office, and the Chinese that is selling the groceries, and the Lebanese running the dry-goods stores, and the Indians growing the vegetables. And even though, over time, all of this is going to change, we are not there yet. But since he understand my situation with Fay and Immaculate maybe I should consider some other schools. And that Alpha Academy is a fine school and St Andrew is a very good school even though it not Catholic.

So that same evening I go see Gloria and I say to her that maybe she could consider St Andrew or Alpha Academy because I hear tell that they both very good schools.

I say to her, ‘Our girl will do fine at either one of them.’

But whereas I expect Gloria to be glad with the news, she not. She vex.

‘You think Immaculate too good for Esther because she so dark?’

‘No, Gloria. You know it not like that at all.’

‘I know you think you enlightened because you got me all these years and your little gang of black boys you run with. And I know you think Independence done change everything, but honest to god, Pao, sometimes I think you just live in your own little world and you can’t see what is going on right in front of you no matter how much you think you open your eyes. Is like you don’t know you in Jamaica and it 1962. More like you think you in China and the workers just done winning the revolution.

‘But there wasn’t no revolution, and the workers didn’t win it. The same thing that was going on before is the same thing that is going on now. The British take all the profit from the plantations, and they still taking it. And now the Americans and the rest of them going take the big profit from the bauxite and all the hotels and factories they busy throwing up all over the place, and Jamaica going to be left exactly where we always been.

‘Jamaica look good on the surface, but unless you make sure you daughter get a good education she going end up with the same choices I had, the same two choices that is waiting for her because she is a woman and because of the colour of her skin. And I don’t see her wanting to be no domestic, not any more than I did.’

Well, that whole speech really take me by surprise. It knock me back because I never hear Gloria talk so much in one continuous stream before, so it tell me that she feel real strong ’bout all of this. So that is when I say to myself if she really want the child to go to Immaculate then I just going have to figure out how I going tell Fay ’bout the whole thing.

But as it turn out, Gloria not that way inclined. She was just trying to make a point with me. She agree that St Andrew is a good school and she go get Esther’s name put down. Esther got to take a entrance exam and she pass it. So they ask Gloria for the school fees and I pay it. The day they go get the school uniform Gloria make Esther dress up and come show me the white blouse and little red and grey check skirt thing. The child look genuinely happy but after she finish twirl ’round in front of me she just walk off, so I reckon there wasn’t nothing she wanted to say to me ’bout it.

So what with all Gloria’s talk ’bout money and everything she make me feel nervous and make me think that maybe I should be putting something aside for a rainy day, or for when things turn really bad.

I dunno what to expect any more with the way she carrying on, but it seem to me that the island doing good with tourism and the bauxite and all the foreign investment bringing jobs and training. We getting all the latest new-fangled equipment from America and they say our gross national product is growing. We doing good. The place even look good.

But anyway she frighten me enough to make me think I go build myself a safe because I sure as hell not putting any of my money in any bank. Next thing you know they asking all sort of questions ’bout where it come from and I definitely not getting into any kind of conversation over a thing like that.

So I decide the best place is under the shower. Ain’t nobody going to think of looking there. I tell Hampton to dig the hole and fix it up, and make sure it watertight. But it cause so much commotion I couldn’t stop everybody in the house from taking an interest, especially Mui who seem happy to spend all day just sitting on the little bench in there watching Hampton sweat and strain.