Mika Waltari - The Wanderer

When I had said these words I felt for the first time a hint of peace in my soul. The stern judge within me said more gently, “Now at last we have reached the kernel of the matter, my poor boy. But let us go yet a step further, if we can bear to do it. Perhaps after all we can be friends. Look into yourself, Michael, and confess. In your heart, are you really as unhappy as you make out?”

When he had said this I looked again into that inner emptiness and marveled to feel a dim, uncertain yet most glorious happiness dawning in the void. It was a happiness of the soul, because I had searched myself, cleansed myself, and was preparing now to begin again from the beginning. And so I answered meekly, “You are right, unknown man within me. Now that you have crushed and ground me to powder I am no longer so very unhappy. In fact I have never known such spiritual joy before, or even thought it possible. But now, destitute as I am, renegade to my faith, with nothing to look forward to but the fetters of slavery, I am reconciled with you and therefore I am happy. But whether you are of God or of Satan I dare not guess.”

The unseen judge was wroth at this, and demanded, “Michael, Michael, what do you know of God or Satan?”

To preserve my new-found peace I confessed hurriedly, “Nothing, truly, nothing, incorruptible Michael. But who are you?”

He answered, “I am. This you know, and it is enough.”

The words bowed me to the earth and filled me with such overwhelming happiness that I thought my heart would burst. Tears of joy rose to my eyes and I said, “You are within me. This I know, and it is enough. Be it so; the one incorruptible judge of all I am and do has his dwelling in my own heart, and stands above all understanding and all knowledge. For swift as thought you answer my questions with a voice that cannot be stifled; nor will I seek to stifle it, although hitherto I have so consistently turned a deaf ear.”

Still happier was I to feel my dog softly creeping into my arms. He had gnawed through the thong with which Torgut had tethered him, and having found me he licked my ear, pressed his nose to my cheek, and curled up comfortably with a long sigh of content. I too sighed deeply and fell asleep.

We cruised all next day, combing the coastal waters until we sighted a sail similar to our own. On approaching we beheld a vessel whose hull and rigging had been badly damaged by roundshot. We could hear the cries of the wounded while yet at some distance; there was little life left among the rowers, and of the rest of the crew hardly more than half were fit for combat. The captain had been killed and his body thrown into the sea, and a terrified renegade had taken command. This man now touched his forehead, bowed low before Torgut and said, “By the favor of Allah you had three ships under your command, Torgut-reis.”

“ Allah a\bar” returned Torgut impatiently, and although he guessed what had happened and his limbs trembled with rage, he controlled himself. “So it was written. Speak!”

It appeared that when the gale had separated Torgut from his other two ships, these found each other, and together attacked a merchantman of the convoy. But the roar of her guns brought the war galley speeding to her assistance, and one of the pirate vessels, which had not had time to cast off from her, had been crushed between the two hulls.

“And you? What did you do to help?” inquired Torgut with deceptive gentleness.

“Lord,” answered the renegade frankly. “I freed the grapnels and we made off as quickly as the oars could take us. Under Allah you have only me and my presence of mind to thank for saving even one ship, for the war galley followed in pursuit and fired its frightful guns at us. Judge from our condition how hard we fought. We fled not to avoid battle but to find you and confer as to what had best be done.”

Torgut was no fool. He put a good face on it, and repeated several times, “Allah is great,” after which he embraced the frightened renegade and spoke to him kindly. And although he would clearly have preferred to kick him overboard he praised his resourcefulness in the hearing of all. Then, having bestowed upon him many beautiful presents, and distributed silver coin among the crew, he caused both vessels to set a course for the island of Jerba, off the African coast. After this he retired to his tent and for two days and nights he never showed his face, even at the hours of prayer.

During this time the crew also were dejected, no doubt dreading their return; for they had lost one of three ships and suffered severe damage to another, while the spoils they brought were not worth mentioning. Soon they must meet Sinan the Jew, the Governor of Jerba, and render an account to him of all they had done.

In his melancholy, Torgut drove Giulia from the tent, and I asked her anxiously, “How are you, Giulia, and what dreadful things have happened? Has that repulsive Torgut offended you?”

Giulia withdrew her hand from mine and answered, “No. When he had assured himself as to whether or not I was a virgin he never molested me; on the contrary he has behaved to me like any well- mannered captain and even allows me the same food as himself.”

I only half believed her, and asked yet again, “Is that true? Has he really not molested you?”

Giulia wept, and said, “I was ready to plunge a dagger into my breast-or so I fancy, but I was very much confused when I was led into his tent. He conquered my fears however, and was afterward careful not to insult me; from this I see that even infidels shun me for my eyes’ sake, although I had hoped, when once beyond the borders of Christendom, that I should no longer have to suffer for what I cannot help.”

Despite my relief that no evil had befallen her, I was shocked, and said reproachfully as I took her hand again, “Giulia, Giulia, what are you thinking of, to mourn and complain because this ruthless man spared your virtue?”

She snatched away her hand to dry her tears, and her eyes of different colors blazed with rage as she retorted, “Like all men you’re denser than you look. If he’d touched me I would have stabbed myself-I think. I weep because he never even tried, but withdrew at once and began mumbling his prayers. I can only suppose that he feared my eyes, and his revulsion wounds me deeply. It seems I am unfit even for heathens.”

I could make nothing of this, except that she was out of her mind with horror at having fallen into slavery, and I consoled her as best I could, saying that to me she was lovely and desirable and that her eyes did not repel me at all; that on the contrary I bitterly regretted my stupidity in drawing back from her at so auspicious a moment. She grew calmer and at last said hopefully, “Captain Torgut expects to get a good price for me in Jerba, and he told me that was why he spared my virtue. But it must have been mere politeness, for if he had really liked me he would have kept me for himself.”

I was enraged at her unreasonable attitude, and more maddened still to think that I must lose her and perhaps never see her again. The blue and brown brilliance of her eyes was so enchanting that I could not imagine how I had ever feared her.

“Giulia, Giulia! Only old men are rich, and some repulsive gray- beard will buy you. Why didn’t I take you while I could, so that at least we could have shared the memory? Now there will never be anything for us to share.”

But at this she stared at me in amazement.

“You take too much for granted. If you’d tried to do any such thing I would have scratched your face.”

“Then why did you come with me to that lonely place, and why were you so angry when your eyes aroused in me the feelings rather of a brother than of a lover?”

Giulia shook her head slightly and sighed.