Jay Parini - The Last Station

‘Do you know what Pascal said about dreams?’

I shook my head. I am not well read.

‘He said that it’s a good thing that our dreams are disconnected, otherwise we could never tell them from reality.’

‘I rarely dream,’ I said.

‘Nonsense! We all dream. It’s just that we bury the memory. They are too painful. They tell us too much about ourselves.’

It occurred to me that nothing is quite so boring as listening to other people’s dreams. On the other hand, Leo Nikolayevich’s dreams interest me profoundly as indications of the way his mind works, as evidence of his genius. God speaks through him. I recognize the heavenly cadence in his voice.

I took out my notebook. It doesn’t appear to bother him when I transcribe his thoughts, though he occasionally teases me about it.

‘Last night I dreamt I was at a formal ball in Moscow, one much like the balls I attended as a young officer. When the orchestra struck up a certain dance, I realized that I knew the music perfectly well but that the steps had changed. I could not understand what everyone was doing, and they began to laugh at me, to point their fingers and laugh.’

‘You have always been out of step with your time,’ I said, but Leo Nikolayevich did not respond. I put my head down and continued to write.

‘How can you write when I’m not speaking?’ he asked. ‘Are you making things up, Dushan Petrovich?’

‘I would never make up anything. You know how much I value what you say.’

‘I know, I know.’ He stood up now and began to pace his study floor. ‘I have had too many troubled dreams this winter,’ he said. ‘Some of them sexual in nature. I have often been tortured by fantasies.’

‘This is natural,’ I said.

‘Is that so, Dushan? Have you had sexual dreams lately?’

‘I do not dream.’

He ignored my remark. ‘Here is one of the dreams I keep having. It concerns a young, black-eyed Tartar girl I met in Sevastopol during the war. She lived in Eski-Simferopol, in fact – a little village not far from the front. I was stationed there. It was quite unreal, that village – a haven of exiles from Petersburg society – parasites, all of them. You would never know that thousands of young Russian soldiers were dying – or heaped in stinking piles – just a few versts away. They played cards and dressed for dinner and held balls.’

‘You loved this Tartar girl?’

‘I never loved her, Dushan. You romanticize everything. I made foul use of her body for my own purposes.’ He grinned slightly.

‘You committed sexual intercourse with her,’ I said.

‘Indeed. Sometimes twice a day.’

I could not help but shudder. I could not imagine Leo Nikolayevich in this act.

‘I upset you, Dushan Petrovich. You are a man of delicate conscience. I should be more careful what I say in front of you.’

‘I’m sorry. I–’

‘You’re a virgin, I know.’

‘Leo Nikolayevich, I–’

He waved his hand to silence me. I was relieved.

‘Her name was Katya. I have never forgotten her. If she were here, I would beg her forgiveness. But – may I speak so bluntly? – I continue to dream of her body. I recall too perfectly our times together, the exact positions of our bodies, the taste of her, everything. Even a few of the jokes…’

His eyes grew watery now. It seemed, to me, that we understood each other.

‘Leo Nikolayevich,’ I said, at last. ‘You torture yourself with memories. This all occurred many years ago.’

‘More than half a century. Katya will be an old woman now, shriveled, with white hair and dry, wrinkled breasts. She will hardly remember my name, I suspect. She may well be dead.’

‘You are the most celebrated writer in Europe,’ I said. ‘She would have heard your name, even if she hasn’t read your books.’

‘She couldn’t read, Dushan. How would she know?’

It occurred to me, with mild horror, that most of Russia could not read. Yet it also seemed true that everyone – even an illiterate krestyonka in the Crimea – must have heard the name of Leo Tolstoy somewhere, somehow. The papers have always been full of stories about him.

‘I had another dream last night. Did you hear me scream? I dreamt I was a big black bull. I entered a field of a thousand cows, beautiful white cows, and I made my way through the lot of them, mounting them from behind, one by one. Suddenly, clouds filled what had been a brilliant blue sky. Lightning shot from cloud to cloud, and thunder shook the ground. A pit opened up, and the wind pushed against my side, toppling me over. I was dropped into that deep pit by the wind, whereupon I was struck by a bolt of lightning. My skin exploded into flames.’

‘I heard you scream,’ I said. ‘I almost came to your room. But you apparently fell back to sleep quickly.’

‘Sleep and waking are much the same to me now. I suspect the same may be true of death. It will hardly differ from the life I lead these days.’

‘That is very pessimistic,’ I said.

‘What a dear man you are,’ he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. ‘I don’t think I could live here another day without you.’

‘I intend to stay,’ I said.

‘Thank you, Dushan. Thank you.’

He kissed me on both cheeks now, and I kissed him. His cheeks were wet, which moved me greatly. This past year has been difficult for him, and the toll is severe. His nerves jangle and buzz. His eyes are red, his skin milky, his hands tremble, and his lips quiver. I fear that he may die soon and that the quarrels with Sofya Andreyevna will hasten the end.

I watch her connive, pretend to have fits, dissembling daily. The woman is rapacious. She wants luxury of a kind that offends her husband, who wishes only to live simply. Her talk at the dinner table is frivolous and self-serving, like that of a Petersburg matron. It disgusts me, though I have held my tongue. There is no point in making a fuss. I’m a guest here, after all.

I sit alone in my room most evenings after dinner, reading. I fall asleep easily. The routine here is pleasant, but the emotional pressure exhausts me.

Leo Nikolayevich assumes that I am a virgin. Technically, I suppose I am. I wish, in fact, I were. Sexual relations have always upset me when I think about them. I was never a good-looking man. In my youth, this troubled me. How many nights did I lie awake, taunted by fantasies and horrified by my own ugliness?

Once, when I was a medical student in Hungary, desire over-whelmed me. I had been drinking, and I paid a woman to come back to my flat. She was not expensive, nor was she worth what I did spend. Her teeth had lost their enamel and were distressingly clear; she had rude marks on her legs, the result of problems with her circulatory system, I decided. Her breasts sagged.

She undressed upon entering my flat. I watched her with my heart fluttering in my throat like a winter wasp. She danced around me, teasing me, making little jokes about sexual intercourse. I had to close my eyes.

She sat beside me on the bed and rubbed my temples, slowly. I asked her to rub my shoulders, and she suggested I remove my clothes. I had never been naked before a woman, and I only partially complied, stripping down to my underwear. She snickered slightly, as one might expect a whore to do.

‘What is your name?’ she asked me, in a soft voice I can still hear.

‘Anton,’ I said.

‘You have something to hide, Anton?’ she asked.

‘Do what you are paid to do,’ I said.

She laughed piercingly, and I had to restrain myself. It is disagreeable to find oneself enraged, ready to strike a blow. But I controlled myself and rolled onto my stomach on the bed, letting her knead my shoulders. She worked slowly, beautifully, down my spine with her strong hands. I could feel the roughness of the skin of her fingers, like a pumice stone.