Dan Smith - The Child Thief

‘I think he was following someone who came close to Vyriv, and now that person has taken Dariya. And when I find him, I’ll kill him.’

Natalia watched me.

‘That’s why I don’t want Petro to come. He doesn’t need to be part of that,’ I said. ‘He’s strong, but he’s not like Viktor.’

‘No, he’s not like Viktor, you’re right. But he’s stronger than you think he is, and the way you treat him, he thinks you favour his brother. He thinks you don’t love him as much.’

I dragged on the cigarette, the harsh smoke tearing down my throat and soaking into my lungs. I allowed the smoke to leak from my nostrils before I pushed out the chair beside me. ‘Sit with me.’

Natalia sat down, and I turned to face her.

‘I think…’ I tried to find the right words. I rolled the cigarette in my fingertips and lowered my voice to a whisper. ‘I think I love him more , Natalia. Because he’s like you.’

Natalia was surprised. ‘You can’t love one son more than the other.’

‘It’s not like that.’ I rearranged my thoughts. ‘Not more, that’s the wrong word. Differently . I love him in a different way. I want to protect him from things that are…’ I sighed. ‘The kind of things I’d protect you and Lara from. He’s got so much goodness in him, I don’t want it to be ruined by all the shit that’s happening around us. I don’t want him to be hardened by it like you were.’

‘I’m hardened?’ She feigned surprise.

‘We’ve seen so much, Natalia. War, famine, winters that want to freeze our souls. You remember how I was when I came back? I couldn’t rest. The nightmares, the fevers. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and if it hadn’t been for you I’d be… well, I don’t know what I’d be. Where I’d be. Maybe like that man they hanged today.’

‘This is different. And Petro feels guilty about what happened to Dariya, I see it in his face. He was the last person to see her and he thinks he should’ve brought her home. You have to give him a chance to find her.’

‘Viktor is strong enough to endure it, but Petro?’

‘ I endured it. All of it. The fighting, being without my husband and then calming his sleepless nights. You weren’t the only one who had nightmares.’

‘I know. I’m sorry.’

Natalia made a dismissive gesture with one hand, then raised her eyebrows and chuckled. ‘And what about the revolution? We all endured that. How we thought it would make things better.’ She swallowed her bitter amusement and looked at me in her searching way. ‘I endured and so will Petro. Lara too. They all will; they have to. It’s life.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘Of course I’m right; I’m always right.’

‘Mostly, that’s true.’

‘So take him with you. Show him he has your love and let him help find Dariya.’

‘What if something were to happen to him?’

She put her hands around her cup to soak in its warmth, but it had grown cold. ‘Nothing will happen. He’ll be safe with you.’

‘I don’t know…’

‘Luka, I don’t want any of you to go but, together, the three of you are so strong. This is no different from one of your hunting trips. You’ll be back in a day or two and Lara and I will be fine.’

‘There are other things to think about,’ I said. ‘I don’t want you to be alone when the Chekists come—’

‘ If they come. Maybe they never will.’ She was trying to sound hopeful, to reassure me. ‘We’re so far west. So far from Moscow. And we’re not even close to Karkhiv; why would they ever come this far?’

‘They’re getting closer. Every day they find a new village. They’re everywhere, collectivising our farms, and each one they find leads them to another. They’ll find us eventually.’

‘Perhaps there’ll be another revolution before then, and everything will change again.’

‘I don’t think so. Not this time.’

‘We’re hidden away where almost no one can see us.’

‘But the other villages know.’

She let go of her cup and leaned back. ‘Then let them come, Luka. What will they do other than take what little we have? And what could Petro do to stop them, anyway? What could you do? Is it not more important to concentrate on one problem at a time; to find a stolen child? To give your sons some respect?’

I sighed and closed my eyes.

‘I don’t want you to go, Luka, but you’re the only chance Dariya has. Dimitri would never find her alone – he’s a farmer.’

‘So am I.’ I looked at my callused hands.

‘You were never a farmer. You were always a soldier. And now you’re a soldier pretending to be a farmer, and I can see in your eyes it isn’t who you really are. It’s why you go hunting and spend so much time outside. You’re happy to be with us, but the farming is a burden to you.’

‘No.’

‘I know you too well, Luka. On the outside you’re a family man, a farmer, but inside? Inside you’re still a soldier. So go and do that for a while. Put your knowledge to some use. Keep the promise you made to Lara.’

‘I didn’t promise to take both her brothers with me.’ I dropped my hands to my knees.

‘Take Petro,’ she said. ‘Let him see he has your love and your respect.’

‘He already does.’

‘Then show him.’

We sat together for a while before washing and going to bed, moving silently so as not to wake the children. It was cold – the fire had done little to heat the house – and we pulled close to one another to keep warm. Lying face to face, Natalia kissed me as she hadn’t done for a long time, and we pressed our bodies together, feeling the security and comfort of skin and scent and flesh. We made love, not as we had done when we were young and first together, but as two who are intimate in ways that reach beyond the physical, and, as we did, there was something that felt final in our act. We moved together that night as if it were the last time we would move in that way.

And when Natalia slept, I held her. I listened to her breathing in the night, and I felt the cold at my face. She turned in her dream, putting her arm across my chest, curling her leg around mine. I memorised the softness of her skin and I closed my eyes. But I did not sleep for a long time. I stared at the darkness and thought about Dariya, wrestling with the decision I had made not to follow her into the forest at night.

Rest came in broken shards. Glimpses of tracks in the snow, of blinding white, of children lying naked in their graves. And Natalia’s words repeated in my head as I reconsidered taking Petro on the search for Dariya.

My eyes were open long before the dawn came, and I was out of bed before the sun had begun to rise. Natalia sensed my movement, and the speed with which she rose told me that she too had not been granted a deep sleep that night.

While I prepared the last of my things, Natalia woke the boys and made a breakfast of eggs and bread toasted on the stove. She laid it on the table and sat down to drink hot water and watch us eat.

Viktor and Petro came from their bedroom, both of them yawning and rubbing their eyes.

‘Come and eat,’ I told them. ‘We’ll need our strength.’

Petro looked at me, waiting for me to go on.

‘I want you both to come,’ I said. ‘Three will be better than two. And if we need to hunt, Petro is the best shot. You’ll keep us fed, won’t you?’

‘I thought you said Viktor is the best shot.’

‘Did I?’ I shrugged. ‘Then you must both shoot well. That’s good.’

Petro looked at Natalia as if for confirmation that I was telling the truth; that he’d heard me correctly. Then he turned to me. ‘You want me to come?’