Bi Feiyu - Three Sisters

Being young, Yuxiu had a healthy appetite, and before a month had passed, she realized to her horror that her belly was growing at a frenzied pace and was now bulging noticeably. The baby inside, as if responding to her encouragement, had begun misbehaving, kicking here with little feet and thumping there with tiny hands. She reacted to the movements with an indescribable sense of affection, but this was overshadowed by panic. That little lump inside her was a person, one who slashed and gladdened her heart at the same time. Yuxiu went to tell Little Tang, even pulling up her top to show her belly there in the bookkeeping office. Surprised by what she saw, Little Tang sighed and said, “It’s all my fault. I was too anxious and gave you too much nutrition too soon.” But how could anyone blame Aunty Little Tang?

Yuxiu’s special nutritional regimen came to a halt that day, but her belly was like cadre assignments, which always grow, never shrink. Since her blouse could barely cover her belly, she cleverly wrapped it with a sash she fashioned out of lengths of fabric.

“Aunty Little Tang, you won’t tell anyone, will you?” she asked, clearly anxious. Little Tang was so upset she turned her back on Yuxiu and wept once again. Knowing she’d said the wrong thing, Yuxiu apologized abjectly for doubting her and, with great effort, managed to stop Little Tang’s tears.

The ideal solution, in Little Tang’s view, was to go to the hospital, but timing was the key. Obviously, going too late was out of the question, but too early was nearly as bad. That sounded right, but Little Tang could not decide when the timing was right, and, since Yuxiu could not possibly know, she placed her faith in Aunty Little Tang. All she could do was nudge Little Tang every once in a while, but not too often, for fear that this might be misread as a lack of trust. Little Tang, for her part, had her own difficulties. She told Yuxiu that she’d gone to the hospital several times without entering and beat a hasty retreat the moment she saw the doctors. If she’d said what she was there for, Yuxiu’s secret would be out. “You have no idea how bad doctors are at keeping secrets. They’ll talk for sure,” she said. That sounded convincing and reasonable to Yuxiu, who was appreciative of Aunty Little Tang’s attention to every little detail.

But a few days later, Yuxiu decided that she no longer had the luxury of worrying about that. “Go ahead, tell the doctors,” she said. “They’ll need to know sooner or later anyway.”

The days turned progressively cooler until the air was downright cold; for Yuxiu, that was a blessing. If not for the early arrival of winter, the changes in her body would have been obvious. So heaven had kindly dropped the temperature precipitously after a wintry rain, making it natural for her to put on her yellow overcoat. The weather warmed up for a few days after that, but the overcoat was not so out of place that it invited questions. That, unfortunately, was the only good news. Emotionally, the pressure did not lessen; if anything, it got worse because she learned that she could no longer rely on help from Little Tang.

Little Tang made a special trip to see Yuxiu, and the moment Yuxiu saw her puffy eyes, she knew that something was terribly wrong. Little Tang told Yuxiu everything, how she’d gone to the hospital and sought out the director, but before Yuxiu’s name even came up, the director turned suspicious. She said, “He asked me if my son had been ‘fooling around’ and ‘made someone’s belly big.’” She continued, “I’m a mother myself, what could I say?” Little Tang looked miserable and felt guilty about her selfishness as a mother; she was so unhappy she could not look Yuxiu in the eye.

Despite her feelings of despair, Yuxiu was mature enough to understand Little Tang’s predicament and knew she could not ask her to sacrifice her son for her sake. No mother would do that, for this was a matter of “personal conduct,” something that could have a permanent impact on a person’s future. Yuxiu had acted improperly at Little Tang’s house once, leaving a bad impression. She felt terrible about the incident, and now, if Gao Wei were to be held responsible for what she’d done, heaven would strike her dead. Finding it impossible to lend any more help, Little Tang sobbed silently in front of Yuxiu, who felt guilty in the presence of Little Tang’s tear-streaked face; self-loathing rose up inside her; her conscience was under attack. Little Tang’s assistance had turned into a dead end, which meant that Yuxiu had reached a dead end, too. She wiped the tears from Little Tang’s face and said to herself, Aunty, I’ll have to wait till my next life to repay your kindness.

This, in fact, was not the first time Yuxiu had thought about taking her own life. It was not a good end, but it was a way out. Seen from any angle, dying was a solution. She’d frightened herself when the thought first had occurred to her, but then a door opened in her mind and the fear disappeared. Once you close your eyes, she thought, you won’t know anything anymore, so what’s there to be afraid of?

The idea brought relief and cheered her up a bit to her surprise. With her mind settled, she began to consider the possibilities, the first of which was the well in the yard in front of her office building, a deep, dark well. But she gave up on that after much thought because the blackness of the well seemed scarier than death. So what about hanging? No, she couldn’t bring herself to do that either. Back in Wang Family Village, she’d seen a hanging corpse with blood oozing from the nostrils, upturned eyes, and a protruding tongue; it was a horrible sight. Yuxiu was too pretty to do that to herself, for even if she were to turn into a ghost, she wanted to be an attractive one. In the end, it came down to the water right there in front of the purchasing station. It was a good location, wide open with clear water; it was where she worked, and the retaining wall was neat and well constructed.

Now that her mind was made up, she was no longer in a hurry to die. Relieved, she wanted to enjoy a few good days. If she lived another day, she’d enjoy life one more day; in fact, it would be a stolen day since she considered herself already dead. Finally she was able to get a good night’s sleep and relish what she ate. The rice tasted better, the noodles tasted better, the steamed buns tasted better, even the peanuts and radishes tasted better; every bite brought her pleasure and enjoyment. Water tasted sweeter than ever. Yuxiu had a revelation: Life is good. There were so many things to enjoy, why hadn’t she noticed them before? Once she began to take notice, every second and every minute felt different; she savored them all and, feeling the enticement of life, was suddenly unwilling to part with it. She began to cherish life again, which in turn brought her heartache. The biggest enemy of death is not the fear of death but the desire to live. It’s great to be alive. It’s wonderful to be alive! If not for her embarrassing belly, she’d rather, as the saying goes, “Plod along in this world than be buried in the earth beneath it.”

But her belly kept growing, bigger and bigger. Even with the overcoat, she still had to wrap it with a sash every morning, and she could not be too careful; the slightest misstep would be disastrous. Having her belly cinched like that did not actually hurt, but sometimes it made breathing difficult, which was worse. She could exhale but not inhale, since the air she sucked in was blocked, and that caused great discomfort. After all, breathing is different from everything else; you cannot stop, you rely on it every second of your life. For Yuxiu, some aspects of life had become the worst kind of torture. After nightfall, she’d relax a bit by secretly untying the sash and taking deep breaths; she felt wonderful and free, and it seemed that every pore in her body was thanking her. No amount of gold or silver could have bought such comfort. But feeling comfortable was one thing; her appearance was another.