Andrew Miller: One Morning Like a Bird

It is so many years now since that summer — the invalid nephew sent to get clean air in his lungs, to become a proper boy with a boy’s vigour — it still surprises him how much he has kept of it, that it was not all swept from his mind the moment he returned to Tokyo and saw Father pushing through the tattered crowd at the station, ash on his shoes, ash on the cuffs of his trousers. Instead, it has survived, like something improbably fragile salvaged from the chaos of a ruined house, though time has coloured it with a thin wash, a binding glaze, so that the shadows under the pine trees and the smoke from the saucer of smouldering chrysanthemums, the black of Asako’s hair, the grey of storm clouds, are all faintly indigo now. Even the moon of that summer, westering over mountain villages and lonely farmhouses has, in memory, some blush of indigo, as if it, too, once hung dripping over the vats in the barn.

Two days later he rises from his bedding an hour before first light, breakfasts in the kitchen on a handful of yesterday’s rice, a mouthful of cold tea, then steps over the sleeping Miyo, puts on his boots, scarf and ‘peach-bloom’ trilby, slides the front door to the width of his shoulders, and posts himself, quietly as he can, into the dark of the front garden.

Most of the snow has melted but the air is cold as pond water colder now than when the snow was there. He hurries to the end of the street, pushes up the sleeve of his coat to check the luminous dial of his watch, then turns onto the main road, the north — south that runs in front of Imperial and on towards Kanda. When he has walked some two hundred yards, he stops and slowly retraces his steps. A one-yen taxi passes, a woman in the back, her powdered face lit for an instant by the flare of her cigarette. Then an old man goes by, hauling a white cow on a length of rope, muttering to it his complaints about the world while the beast pours steam through its nostrils. At last, coming towards him, he hears the quick scuff and tap of the footfall he has been listening for. A shadow appears, hesitates at the sight of him, then comes closer.

‘So it’s you, is it?’ Her breath touches his face. He nods, then tells her — with what he hopes is an appealing listlessness — that he has been out most of the night, walking and thinking.

‘Out drinking on the Ginza, you mean.’

‘I’m not one of those,’ he says. ‘In fact, I have a lot on my mind right now.’

This, she must know, is not unlikely (though whose mind these days does not carry its burden?). Her voice softens a little. ‘Even so,’ she says, ‘I don’t have time to talk to you now.’

‘You’re going to work?’ he asks, as if the idea has just occurred to him, though he could, if called on, write down her hours as accurately as any of her supervisors at the railway company. Kyoko Kitamura, reporting to Tokyo Central Station at six o’clock for the seven fifteen express to Shimonoseki. If he was to unbutton her winter coat, he would find beneath it the black dress and black stockings of her uniform. Her cap and apron — washed and starched — will be in the canvas bag over her shoulder, next, perhaps, to a lunch box, a pack of cigarettes, a magazine or two.

‘As we’ve run into each other,’ he says, wondering at how easily these half-lies come to him, if he should be troubled by such a facility, ‘why don’t I see you to the station? There’s no sense my trying to sleep now.’

At first she refuses, then seeing he will not be easily shaken off, and seeing too how well the darkness covers them, she agrees he can walk her the five hundred yards to the tram-stop. He talks to her about the New Year holiday, how nice it was, how boring. He tells her he looked for her at the shrine.

‘We didn’t stay for long,’ she says. ‘Grandmother’s chilblains are bad this winter. The cold is painful for her. I have to bind her feet at night.’

‘And Mr Kitamura? Did the New Year mail get through?’

There was, she says, a card with a printed New Year message, to which Saburo had added a line of his own.

‘A line? Well,’ says Yuji, ‘there can’t be much time out there for writing.’

‘There’s plenty of time,’ she says. ‘He’s just not the sort to write much.’ She doesn’t add ‘as you know’ or ‘you know how he is’, and again Yuji wonders what, and how much, Saburo has ever told her about the two of them. Would he have reminisced, with a bark of indulgent laughter, about his days at middle school, when it was Yuji, skinny little Yuji with no elder brother to protect him any more, who did much of his writing for him? Would he have recalled for her the fact that, though he was indeed expert at making water-bombs or cracking people over the head with a shinai, in calligraphy class he barely knew which end of the brush to hold? Has he, then, with a frown of amazement, tried to explain to her his long alliance with Yuji, a bond between two kinds of weakness, revived at the outset of each new term with a leisurely beating and certain simple though effective acts of humiliation, such as forcing open Yuji’s mouth and spitting into it. Or is it his task to explain to Kyoko that her husband — heroic young veteran of the Kwangtung Army — was, for some years, his private bully? Not, it should be said, that they ever truly hated each other, not then. On the contrary, they were drawn together by mutual loneliness, a precocious knowledge of loss (Saburo’s mother a victim of the influenza in Taisho 8, his father dead from cirrhosis of the liver the first year of Showa), so that even as one brought down his fist and the other grunted with pain, it was a type of friendship, and one that lasted, in its own mysterious fashion, until the marriage two years ago, or until that spring afternoon three weeks after the wedding when Yuji, outside Otaki’s, watched the couple returning to the old woman’s house arm in arm under the shade of a parasol, petals in Kyoko’s hair from blossom-viewing in the park, and on the groom’s face, a look of imbecilic happiness, even a kind of innocence, as if, five minutes earlier, he had suddenly imagined himself a man of boundless virtue, and immediately, without the slightest struggle or doubt, had started to believe it. It was then that Yuji should have rushed across the street and flung himself on Saburo’s back. When would he own such invincible rage again? Instead, he had watched them turn in at the old woman’s gate, heard the street mutter its approval of such a handsome pair, and without so much as a shrug retreated to his own house, climbed to the drying platform, and stared, an idiotic sneer on his face, across the fence to the neighbours’ garden.

To be forgotten by someone like Saburo Kitamura! To be thrown aside like a broken sandal so that the present moment could be enjoyed without the inconvenience of remembering anything as unpleasant as spitting into a boy’s mouth. It was an insult both painful and shaming. Also, perhaps, a judgement, a moment of revelation that exposed him, if only to himself, as the kind of man even thugs and dullards could leave behind them in their dust. .

At the tram-stop, a dozen men and women are huddled, half-asleep, in their coats. ‘Stay here,’ says Kyoko, peering to see who among them might recognise her. ‘That’s far enough. Go home.’

He does not wish to anger her — he’s seen her temper flash out more than once when he’s been slow to follow her direction. He lets her go, retreats a little, then crosses to the gateway of a school on the far side of the road, where he waits until the tram rattles into view, collects its load, and rattles off, its single headlamp throwing a limp yellow beam onto the track ahead.

She will be gone for two days, sleep most of the third, be back on shift by the fifth. Five trips a month, Tokyo to the deep south, waiting tables in a swaying box as the country flashes by the window (a glimpse of mountains, a glimpse of the sea, towns and cities half known, half anonymous).