Francis Beaumont - The Mad Lover, a Tragi-Comedy

King. I'le leave ye to my sister, and these Ladies
To make your welcom fuller: my good souldier
We must now turn your sternness into Courtship;
When ye have done there, to your fair repose Sir: [ Flourish.
I know you need it Memnon ; welcom Gentlemen. [ Exit King.

Luci. Now he begins to march: Madam the Van's yours,
Keep your ground sure; 'tis for your spurrs.

Mem. O Venus . { He kneels amaz'd, and forgets to speak.

Cal. How he stares on me.

Clean. Knight him Madam, knight him,
He will grow toth' ground else.

Eumenes. Speak Sir, 'tis the Princess.

1 Cap. Ye shame your self, speak to her.

Cal. Rise and speak Sir.
Ye are welcome to the Court, to me, to all Sir.

Lucip. Is he not deaf?

Cal. The Gentleman's not well.

Eumen. Fie noble General.

Lucip. Give him fresh air, his colour goes, how do ye?
The Princess will be glad Sir.

Mem. Peace, and hear me.

Clean. Command a silence there.

Mem. I love thee Lady.

Cal. I thank your Lordship heartily: proceed Sir.

Lucip. Lord how it stuck in's stomach like a surfeit.

Clean. It breaks apace now from him, God be thanked,
What a fine spoken man he is.

Lucip. A choice one, of singular variety in carriage.

Clean. Yes and I warrant you he knows his distance.

Mem. With all my heart I love thee.

Cal. A hearty Gentleman,
And I were e'en an arrant beast, my Lord,
But I lov'd you again.

Mem. Good Lady kiss me.

Clean. I marry, Mars , there thou cam'st close up to her.

Cal. Kiss you at first my Lord? 'tis no fair fashion,
Our lips are like Rose buds, blown with mens breaths,
They lose both sap and savour; there's my hand Sir.

Eumen. Fie, fie, my Lord, this is too rude.

Mem. Unhand me,
Consume me if I hurt her; good sweet Lady
Let me but look upon thee.

Cal. Doe.

Mem. Yet —

Cal. Well Sir,
Take your full view.

Lucip. Bless your eyes Sir.

Cal. Mercy,
Is this the man they talkt of for a Souldier,
So absolute and Excellent: O the Gods,
If I were given to that vanitie
Of making sport with men for ignorance,
What a most precious subject had I purchas'd!
Speak for him Gentlemen: some one that knows,
What the man ails; and can speak sense.

Clean. Sure Madam,
This fellow has been a rare Hare finder.
See how his eyes are set.

Cal. Some one goe with me,
I'le send him something for his head, poor Gentleman,
He's troubled with the staggers.

Lucip. Keep him dark,
He will run March mad else, the fumes of Battels
Ascend into his brains.

Clean. Clap to his feet
An old Drum head, to draw the thunder downward.

Cal. Look to him Gentlemen: farewel, Lord I am sorry
We cannot kiss at this time, but believe it
We'l find an hour for all: God keep my Children,
From being such sweet Souldiers; Softly wenches,
Lest we disturb his dream. [ Exeunt Calis and Ladies.

Eumen. Why this is Monstrous.

1 Capt. A strange forgetfulness, yet still he holds it.

2 Capt. Though he ne're saw a woman of great fashion
Before this day, yet methinks 'tis possible
He might imagine what they are, and what
Belongs unto 'em: meer report of others.

Eumen. Pish, his head had other whimsies in't: my Lord,
Death I think y'are struck dumb; my good Lord General.

1 Capt. Sir.

Mem. That I do love ye Madam; and so love ye
An't like your grace.

2 Capt. He has been studying this speech.

Eumen. Who do ye speak to Sir?

Mem. Why where's the Lady,
The woman, the fair woman?

1 Capt. Who?

Mem. The Princess,
Give me the Princess.

Eumen. Give ye counsel rather
To use her like a Princess: Fy my Lord,
How have you born your self, how nakedl[y]
Laid your soul open, and your ignorance
To be a sport to all. Report and honour
Drew her to doe you favours, and you bluntly,
Without considering what, or who she was,
Neither collecting reason, nor distinction.

Mem. Why, what did I my Masters?
Eumen. All that shews
A man unhandsom, undigested dough.

Mem. Did not I kneel unto her?

Eumen. Dumb and sensless,
As though ye had been cut out for your fathers tomb,
Or stuck a land-mark; when she spoke unto you,
Being the excellence of all our Island,
Ye star'd upon her, as ye had seen a monster.

Me [ m ]. Was I so foolish? I confess Eumenes ,
I never saw before so brave an outside,
But did I kneel so long?

Eumen. Till they laught at ye,
And when you spoke I am asham'd to tell ye
What 'twas my Lord; how far from order;
Bless me, is't possible the wild noise of war
And what she only teaches should possess ye?
Knowledge to treat with her, and full discretion
Being at flood still in ye: and in peace,
And manly conversation smooth and civil,
Where gracefulness and glory twyn together,
Thrust your self out an exile?
Do you know Sir, what state she carries?
What great obedience waits at her beck continually?

Mem. She ne're commanded
A hundred thousand men, as I have done,
Nor ne're won battel; Say I would have kist her.

Eumen. There was a dainty offer too, a rare one.

Mem. Why, she is a woman, is she not?

Eumen. She is so.

Mem. Why, very well; what was she made for then?
Is she not young, and handsom, bred to breed?
Do not men kiss fair women? if they doe,
If lips be not unlawfull ware; Why a Princess
Is got the same way that we get a begger
Or I am cozen'd; and the self-same way
She must be handled e're she get another,
That's rudeness is it not?