F. Anstey - The Travelling Companions - A Story in Scenes

Podb. So are you , old chap, if it comes to that. Tiddledy-iddlety-ido-lumpty-doodle-oo! Is it to be Constance after all, then?

Culch. ( reddening ). Er – I rather thought of the Engadine – more bracing , eh? – few-feedle-eedle-oodle —

Podb. You artful old whistling oyster, I see what you're up to! But it's no go; she don't want either of us Engadining about after her. It's Charley Van Stickinthemud's turn now! We've got to go to Nuremberg. You can't get out of it, after gassing so much about the place. When you've once decided, you know, it's final !

Culch. ( with dignity ). I am not aware that I wanted to get out of it. I merely proposed in your – (Podbury suddenly explodes .) What are you cackling at now ?

Podb. ( wiping his eyes ). It's the last laugh, old man, – and it's the best!

[Culchard walks away rapidly, leaving Podbury in solitary enjoyment of the joke. Podbury's mirth immediately subsides into gravity, and he kicks several unoffending chairs with quite uncalled-for brutality.

Scene — A Second-Class Compartment on the line between Wurzburg and Nuremberg. Podbury has been dull and depressed all day, not having recovered from the parting with Miss Trotter. Culchard, on the contrary, is almost ostentatiously cheerful. Podbury is intensely anxious to find out how far his spirits are genuine, but – partly from shyness, and partly because some of their fellow travellers have been English – he has hesitated to introduce the subject. At last, however, they are alone, and he is determined to have it out on the very first opportunity.

Culchard. Abominably slow train, this Schnell-zug . I hope we shall get to Nuremberg before it's too dark to see the general effect.

Podbury. We're not likely to be in time for table d'hôte – not that I'm peckish. ( He sighs. ) Wonder whereabouts the – the Trotters have got to by now, eh?

[He feels he is getting red, and hums the Garden Scene from Faust."

Culch. ( indifferently ). Oh, let me see – just arriving at St. Moritz, I expect. Wonderful effect of colour, that is.

[He indicates the West, where a bar of crimson is flaming between a belt of firs.

Podb. ( absently ). Oh, wonderful! – where? ( Hums a snatch of a waltz. ) Dum-dum-diddle-um-tum-dum-dum-dum-ty-doodle; dum-dum – I say, you don't seem particularly cut up?

Culch. Cut up? Why should I be cut up, my dear fellow? – about what?

[ Before Podbury can explain, two Talkative British Tourists tumble up into the compartment, and he has to control his curiosity once more.

First T. T. Well, I 'ope we're all right now , Sam, I'm sure – these German jokers have chivied us about enough for one journey! ( To Culchard.) Not in your way, this 'at box, Sir? Don't give yer much space in these foreign trains. ( They settle down and the train starts. ) Pretty bit o' country along 'ere! – puts me in mind o' the best part o' Box 'Ill – and I can't say more for it than that !

Second T. T. ( a little man with a sandy fringe and boiled-looking eyes ). What I notice about the country abroad is they don't seem to 'ave no landmarks .

First T. T. ( with a dash of friendly contempt ). What d'yer mean – no landmarks — signposts ?

Second T. T. ( with dignity ). I mean to say, they don't 'ave nothing to indicate which is Jack's property, and which is Joe's.

First T. T. Go on – they've as much as what we 'ave.

Second T. T. 'Ave they? We 'ave fences and 'edges. I don't see none 'ere . P'raps you'll point me out one?

First T. T. There's precious few 'edges or fences in the Isle o' Thanet, as you'd know if you've ever been to Margit.

Second T. T. ( loftily ). I'm not talkin' about Margit now, I'm talkin' of 'ere, and I'll trouble you to show me a landmark.

First T. T. Depend on it they've their own ways of knowing which is 'oo's.

Second T. T. That's not what I'm sayin' . I'm sayin' there ain't nothin' to indicate

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