F. Anstey - Lyre and Lancet - A Story in Scenes

His Fellow Passenger ( to herself ). It's too silly to be sitting here like a pair of images, considering that – ( Aloud. ) I hope you aren't feeling unwell?

Undershell. Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking.

His Fellow Passenger. You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I've no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little low-spirited about the place you're going to?

Undershell. I – I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How wonderful that you should have guessed it!

His Fellow Passenger. Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the same when I go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with them.

Undershell. Exactly my own sensations! If I could only be sure of finding one kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I daren't let myself hope even for that!

His Fellow Passenger. Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances are there'll be somebody you can take to.

Undershell ( to himself ). What sympathy! What bright, cheerful common sense! ( Aloud. ) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly imagine!

His Fellow Passenger ( retreating ). Oh, if you are going to take my remarks like that , I shall be afraid to go on talking to you!

Undershell ( with pathos ). Don't — don't be afraid to talk to me! If you only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I – I fear such an appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true that hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet already I feel that we have something – much – in common. You can't be so cruel as to let all intimacy cease here – it is quite tantalising enough that it must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will be only a memory; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind me, and be facing the dreary desert once more – alone!

His Fellow Passenger ( laughing ). Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As it happens, though, "the little green oasis" – as you're kind enough to call me — won't be left behind; not if it's aware of it! I think I heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's where I'm going.

Undershell ( excitedly ). You — you are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you must be —

His Fellow Passenger. What were you going to say; what must I be?

Undershell ( to himself ). There is no doubt about it; bright, independent girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy; it must be Miss Mull herself; her letter mentioned Lady Culverin as her aunt. A poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect that I am – I won't reveal myself just yet; better let it dawn upon her gradually. ( Aloud. ) Why, I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house as I am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence!

His Fellow Passenger. That remains to be seen. ( To herself. ) What a funny little man; such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, but I forgot; he said he wasn't going to wear livery. Well, he would look a sight in it!

In a First-class Compartment.

Lady Maisie ( to herself ). Poets don't seem to have much self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something about my wretched letter!

Spurrell ( to himself ). I'd better tell 'em before they find out for themselves. ( Aloud; desperately. ) My lady, I – I feel I ought to explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this.

Lady Cantire ( benignly amused ). My good sir, there's not the slightest necessity; I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything about you!

Spurrell ( incredulously ). But really I don't see how your ladyship – Why, I haven't said a word that —

Lady Cantire ( with a solemn waggishness .) Celebrities who mean to preserve their incognito shouldn't allow their friends to see them off. I happened to hear a certain Andromeda mentioned, and that was quite enough for Me!

Spurrell ( to himself, relieved ). She knows; seen the sketch of me in the Dog Fancier , I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! ( Aloud. ) You don't say so, my lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you!

Lady Cantire. I see no reason for surprise in the matter. I have always endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see everything . Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at your Andromeda . I hear the most glowing accounts from all the judges.

Spurrell ( to himself ). She knows all the judges! She must be in the fancy! ( Aloud. ) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection.

Lady Cantire ( with condescension ). If you are kind enough to offer me a copy of Andromeda , I shall be most pleased to possess one.

Spurrell ( to himself ). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me for a pup. I never offered her one! ( Aloud. ) Well, as to that , my lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't – but there – I'll see what I can do for you. I'll make a note of it; you mustn't mind having to wait a bit.

Lady Cantire ( raising her eyebrows ). I will make an effort to support existence in the meantime.

Lady Maisie ( to herself ). I couldn't have believed that the man who could write such lovely verses should be so – well, not exactly a gentleman! How petty of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses never are . And as if it mattered ! And I'm sure he's very natural and simple, and I shall like him when I know him better.

Lady Cantire. What station is this? Oh, it is Shuntingbridge. ( To Spurrell, as they get out .) Now, if you'll kindly take charge of these bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to meet us – you will find us here when you come back.

On the Platform at Shuntingbridge.

Lady Cantire. Ah, there you are, Phillipson! Yes, you can take the jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. (Phillipson hurries back to the luggage-van ; Spurrell returns .) Well, Mr. – I always forget names, so I shall call you "Andromeda" – have you found out – The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we'll get in.

Undershell ( at another part of the platform – to himself ). Where has Miss Mull disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage. What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a very poor relation. How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. ( To a porter. ) That's mine – the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern Court – Sir Rupert Culverin's.