Josh Billings - The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I don’t kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey, are relashuns.

I don’t pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a certain amount.

The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don’t show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey’s tail, and let him eat at the fust table.

The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within the domain of reazon.

Instinkt don’t step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull a cat’s tail.

But argument ain’t mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody iz.

The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.

Now i don’t advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy.

The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape.

Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.

Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do next.

He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart’s employ.

The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of malishus mischief.

He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.

Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.

They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.

They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason.

But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about.

They won’t work, and they won’t play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at yureself.

If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don’t know now, whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks — C. O. D.

In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell; – was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now?

An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.

The pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs.

They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows.

I never see a pissmire yet that wasn’t on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for.

Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun.

Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires dont seem to understand the difference.

If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer.

A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less common sense thare seems tew be in it.

If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in.

My friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? I guess not, they are a kritter who won’t bear examining with a microskope.

They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive.

Their habits are phew, but unique.

They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door.

When they enter their houses they don’t shut the door after them.

They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with a klub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more convenient.

Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would suggest, that the pole be about 365 feet, espeshily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat.

When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for menny miles in diameter, with an akrlmonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely original smell.

This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that.

A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea.

How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt.

This iz vulgarily called “surking eggs.”

This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats.

Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.

They won’t tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.

Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat.

A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk . Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them.

I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it.

In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.

One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind changes once in a while.