Josh Billings - The Complete Works of Josh Billings

A fellow iz a hybrid; he hain’t got enny more karakter than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy’s cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog.

He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto.

I am sorry for this – i am aktually sad.

Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows.

They ain’t maskuline, feminine, nor nuter – they are just human dough.

They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bakbone ov an angleworm.

They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose.

Ain’t it orful?

Finis iz the end ov all things – the happyest place in the whole job.

All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain’t got two.

A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom.

Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the autokrat ov the universe.

Bully for yu, Finis.

Dogs are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun.

In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole.

Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more artisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average.

But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner.

The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nobel kodfish iz kaught.

He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs on the land.

Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonderful dogs.

They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave.

Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt.

But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, and kan often be seen looking down into the wells, after drowning men.

This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job.

I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel kritters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates.

Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a doktor.

But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be doktered bi ennything else than an old skool allopath.

I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nufoundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four miles for a regular dokter.

I may be all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all right, I should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a physician with a diploma.

It iz never too late tew repent ov a blunder, not if you hav got plenty ov time on hand that you don’t kno what to do with.

I never hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or borro one, just for hiz board.

I don’t know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country.

I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a wet place.

Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage.

Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two.

I don’t suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens.

I don’t kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup.

It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot.

I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.

Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain.

They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen’s, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper.

A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain’t worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn’t ketch only 43 rats.

It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things.

A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won’t see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel.

But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, and wimmin’s rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashun thieving in it.

Edukashun iz bully.

The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch.

Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and natur never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did like natur for, she don’t take the trouble tew explain. She don’t object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his munny.

I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i hav allus been poor, and haven’t been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a dog.

I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in-law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli spek, the dog wont sute me.

I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.

The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair, hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.

Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i mean well enuff, and don’t mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter’s, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his darkness.

I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don’t worship them for what they don’t know, as the heathens do, their wodden gods.