Henry Fielding: The Works of Henry Fielding, vol. 12

Luckless , the Author and Master of the Show, … Mr MULLART. Witmore , his friend … Mr LACY.

Marplay, sen. , Comedian … Mr REYNOLDS, Marplay, jun. , Comedian … Mr STOPLER. Bookweight , a Bookseller … Mr JONES. Scarecrow , Scribbler … Mr MARSHAL, Dash , " " … Mr HALLAM, Quibble , " " … Mr DOVE, Blotpage , " " … Mr WELLS, jun. Index … – .

Jack , servant to Luckless … Mr ACHURCH. Jack-Pudding … Mr REYNOLDS. Bantomite … Mr MARSHAL.

Mrs Moneywood , the Author's Landlady … Mrs MULLART. Harriot , her daughter. … Miss PALMS.

Moneywood . Never tell me, Mr Luckless, of your play, and your play. I tell you I must be paid. I would no more depend on a benefit-night of an unacted play than I would on a benefit-ticket in an undrawn lottery. Could I have guessed that I had a poet in my house! Could I have looked for a poet under laced clothes!

Luck . Why not? since you may often find poverty under them: nay, they are commonly the signs of it. And, therefore, why may not a poet be seen in them as well as a courtier?

Money . Do you make a jest of my misfortune, sir?

Luck . Rather my misfortune. I am sure I have a better title to poverty than you; for, notwithstanding the handsome figure I make, unless you are so good to invite me, I am afraid I shall scarce prevail on my stomach to dine to-day.

Money . Oh, never fear that – you will never want a dinner till you have dined at all the eating-houses round. – No one shuts their doors against you the first time; and I think you are so kind, seldom to trouble them a second.

Luck . No. – And if you will give me leave to walk out of your doors, the devil take me if ever I come into 'em again,

Money . Pay me, sir, what you owe me, and walk away whenever you please.

Luck . With all my heart, madam; get me a pen and ink, and I'll give you my note for it immediately.

Money . Your note! who will discount it? Not your bookseller; for he has as many of your notes as he has of your works; both good lasting ware, and which are never likely to go out of his shop and his scrutore.

Har . Nay, but, madam, 'tis barbarous to insult him in this manner.

Money . No doubt you'll take his part. Pray get you about your business. I suppose he intends to pay me by ruining you. Get you in this instant: and remember, if ever I see you with him again I'll turn you out of doors.

Luck . Discharge all your ill-nature on me, madam, but spare poor Miss Harriot.

Money . Oh! then it is plain. I have suspected your familiarity a long while. You are a base man. Is it not enough to stay three months in my house without paying me a farthing, but you must ruin my child?

Luck . I love her as my soul. Had I the world I'd give it her all.

Money . But, as you happen to have nothing in the world, I desire you would have nothing to say to her. I suppose you would have settled all your castles in the air. Oh! I wish you had lived in one of them, instead of my house. Well, I am resolved, when you have gone away (which I heartily hope will be very soon) I'll hang over my door in great red letters, "No lodgings for poets." Sure never was such a guest as you have been. My floor is all spoiled with ink, my windows with verses, and my door has been almost beat down with duns.

Luck . Would your house had been beaten down, and everything but my dear Harriot crushed under it!

Money . Sir, sir —

Luck . Madam, madam! I will attack you at your own weapons; I will pay you in your own coin.

Money . I wish you'd pay me in any coin, sir.

Luck . Look ye, madam, I'll do as much as a reasonable woman can require; I'll shew you all I have; and give you all I have too, if you please to accept it. [ Turns his pockets Inside out .

Money . I will not be used in this manner. No, sir, I will be paid, if there be any such thing as law.

Luck . By what law you will put money into my pocket I know not; for I never heard of any one who got money by the law but the lawyers. I have told you already, and I tell you again, that the first money I get shall be yours; and I have great expectations from my play. In the mean time your staying here can be of no service, and you may possibly drive some line thoughts out of my head. I would write a love scene, and your daughter would be more proper company, on that occasion, than you.

Money . You would act a love-scene, I believe; but I shall prevent you; for I intend to dispose of myself before my daughter.

Luck . Dispose of yourself!

Money . Yes, sir, dispose of myself. 'Tis very well known that I have had very good offers since my last dear husband died. I might have had an attorney of New Inn, or Mr Fillpot, the exciseman; yes, I had my choice of two parsons, or a doctor of physick; and yet I slighted them all; yes, I slighted them for – for – for you.

Luck . For me?

Money . Yes, you have seen too visible marks of my passion; too visible for my reputation. [ Sobbing .

Luck . I have heard very loud tokens of your passion; but I rather took it for the passion of anger than of love.

Money . Oh! it was love, indeed. Nothing but love, upon my soul!