Сэмуэль Шэм - Mount Misery

For Janet and Katie and Rose

Thanks to Judith Abbott, Joy Harris, Les Havens, Ben Heineman, Chris Robb, and Daniel Zitin.

"It was how the sun came shining into his room:

To be without a description of to be,

For a moment on rising, at the edge of the bed, to be,

To have the ant of the self changed to an ox

With its organic boomings, to be changed

From a doctor into an ox, before standing up,

To know that the change and that the ox-like struggle

Come from the strength that is the strength of the sun,

Whether it comes directly or from the sun.

It was how he was free. It was how his freedom came."

— WALLACE STEVENS

The Latest Freed Man

EMERSON

"Terror acts powerfully upon the body,

through the medium of the mind, and should be employed in the cure of madness."

— BENJAMIN RUSH, M.D.

"The Father of American Psychiatry"

One

WASPS, I'D DISCOVERED in my month of being a shrink, are notoriously hard to read. Their body language borders on mute, and their language itself is oblique, like those masters of obliqueness the English who, I had learned in my three years at Oxford, when they say "Yes, actually" mean "No," and when they say "No, actually," may mean anything.

Now, try as I might, coming at him from various different interviewing angles, much as my father the dentist would come at a recalcitrant tooth, Cherokee Putnam remained a mystery. It was six-thirty in the morning. I was bone-tired, having been on call at the hospital all night long. Cherokee had appeared at the admissions unit without calling in advance, and had paged the Doctor on Call-me. He said he wasn't at all sure he needed admission, but he hadn't been able to sleep and had to talk to someone "about a delicate matter," in confidence. The closest I had come to reading any feeling in him was when he told me how, at a dinner party at home recently, he'd gotten so furious at his wife Lily that he'd actually done the unheard of: picked up his linen napkin and thrown it down onto the tablecloth beside his plate.

To my probings, he denied that he was depressed. He denied suicide attempts, suicide gestures, suicidal ideation, and showed no signs of being crazy. He seemed like just the kind of guy the word "normal" was made for.

He looked normal enough. He was my age-thirty-two- my height and build-six-three and slightly fallen from slender. But while I was a lapsed Jew, he was a cornered WASP, in buttoned-down pink shirt and pressed khaki pants, with an excellent blade nose and blue eyes, a charming mole on one boyish cheek, and strawberry-blond hair combed back

and parted off center. Tan and handsome, he looked like the young Robert Redford. He was rich, the father of two young girls-Hope and Kissy-and he admitted sheepishly to being a lawyer. A Yale graduate, he'd made a small fortune working for Disney in California, before coming back to his roots in New England eighteen months before.

"But you kill yourself at Disney," he said. "There's a saying out there, 'If you don't come in on Saturday, don't bother to come in on Sunday.' "

His wife Lily was also from New England. He'd spent "a million two" to buy a foothill and a horse farm nearby. He and his wife were into horses, she into show-jumping, he into polo. After a year of leisure he was now trying to figure out what to do next with his life.

"Is that what's troubling you?" I asked.

"No, no, not at all," he said, "but once in a while I wake up at three in the morning comparing myself to other people, successful people. I turn to my wife and say, 'I'm a failure.' That used to get her right up, but now she's so used to it she barely wakes up. She just murmurs, 'Take a Halcyon and go back to sleep.' Lily's heard it too many times."

"So there are problems in the marriage?"

"Oh no, no. Things are fine, actually. The normal disagreements, mostly around her being so neat, and me, well, y'see how neat I seem?"

"Very nice, um hm."

"Very. But in private I'm pretty messy. Nothing big, just socks on the floor, nothing hung up. She's very neat. We had a big tiff last week, when the help was off-I emptied the dishwasher and just threw the silverware into the drawer. Lily nests the spoons! Just the other day I said, 'Please, I beg you- give me the dignity of living like a pig.' " I laughed. He smiled, barely. "Lily's a stunning woman. If she were here, you couldn't take your eyes off her. She did the whole debutante thing, cotillion, the works. Even after two kids, dynamite body. Incredible, really. You should see her on a horse."

"It must be a great feeling," I said, stifling a yawn- thinking, Enough of this bullshit, how can I get rid of him and get some sleep? — "to wake up early in the morning and go for a horseback ride with your wife."

"She's never there early in the morning."

"Why not?"

"Lily's in psychoanalysis. Actually… her doctor is on the staff here. That's why I came here. A Dr. Dove. Do you know him?"

"I do."

"She sees him every morning at six A.M." He glanced at his watch, one of those mariner's, with nineteen dials. "She's there right now." His eyes met mine and then skittered away, as men's eyes do when they are about to try to make contact. "Look, I half think I'm crazy for thinking this, and as a lawyer I will deny that I ever said it to you, but… well… I think… no, it's crazy." "Go on."

"I think… think that my wife is having an affair with Dr. Dove."

My mind recoiled. Talk about pigs. Schlomo Dove was one of the most unattractive and unappealing men I'd ever met. He was a man who, in the parlance of these times, would have to be referred to as "Beautifully Challenged." A fiftyish, short- five-five, maybe-fat Jewish man with thick, curly chestnut hair coming down over his brow like a helmet, tiny eyes sunken into slitty sockets, snaggly teeth still hoping for braces, and a nose that didn't look happy, he seemed to take pleasure in flaunting his homeliness, wearing suits that were rumpled and ties that were stained and loose around his neck like a series of slack, secondhand nooses. Despite this, or perhaps because of it-in the counterphobic way that some people, afraid of heights, become bridge painters-Schlomo was a performer. The fat little guy was always in your face, always dancing up to you bigger than life, in academic seminars or private supervisory sessions always rising up onto his tippy-toes like a bingeing ballerina to present some goofy Freudian stuff in the voice and gesture of a Borscht Belt comic, self-mocking in the extreme. Schlomo had a large private practice, and also was well known as one of a small number of psychiatrists you went to for a consultation to get yourself matched up with just the right therapist. He was an eminent psychoanalyst, on top of the Freudian pile in the institute down in the city, and Director of the Misery Outpatient Clinic, which lay at the swampy, reed-clogged end of a sausage-shaped lake that roughly split the hospital's campus.

Eminent, yes; appealing, no. How could any woman, especially a gorgeous WASP Ice Princess, go for Schlomo Dove?

So looking at Cherokee, I thought, No problem, this guy's crazy. Yet one thing I'd learned in my life so far, especially this past year traveling around the world as a doctor: as in human achievement, where no matter what you do there is always someone who has done it more, so in human degradation, there is always someone hurtling on down past you, down past what you can even imagine. And so I said only, "Really?"

"Yeah. It's been over a year now that she's been in therapy with him. We came back East, it was our dream. To take time off, together, to be with our kids, after the phoniness of Hollywood. Everything was in place. And then she feels a little down, you know, and goes to him for a consultation." He sighed. "She sees him every weekday morning, sometimes on Saturday, occasionally on Sunday too. Our sex life has dried up. But she looks more and more sexy. Not only to me, but to my friends too. Buys sexy underwear. Lotta color, lace, you know?" I nodded, my mind rolling into fantasies of lace and color and my girlfriend, Berry, and thanking God that one perk of being a shrink is that you hear some pretty hot sexy stuff. "It's not like her. Not since the kids. And she cut her hair short, like a boy. Really strange, that. Her long hair was her pride. Not like her at all."