Фэнни Флэгг - The Wonder Boy of Whistle Stop

Martha Lee sat there and pouted for a moment. Then she put down her fork and pulled out the last arrow in her quiver. “All right, Linwood, I didn’t want to have to tell you this….I had Gerta do a little research on the good doctor and his wife, the ones you insist are so perfectly respectable.”

Linwood put down his fork. “Oh no…Martha, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. Were you aware that his mother ran some kind of a railroad cafe, slinging hash for a living? And according to Gerta, his father was some man from Georgia named Frank Bennett, who evidently just disappeared completely out of the picture before he was even born. Left the mother flat. Mind you, that’s only his side of the family. Who knows about the mother’s side. Her folks probably worked for the railroad laying track or something.”

“So they worked for a living. So what?”

“So what? How are we supposed to socialize with these people? We have absolutely nothing in common.” Then she made a face. “And the father has that funny arm. And I certainly can’t take the mother to the club.”

“Why? She seemed very nice.”

“ Why? Oh for God’s sake, Linwood. The woman wears polyester pants, and collects frog figurines.”

“What?”

You heard me, frogs! The woman has over two hundred frogs. And she told me she had just found the cutest one dressed up as Batman. Need I say more?” Martha Lee heaved a deep sigh and said, “When I think that Brooks could have married into the Coca-Cola family or the Georgia-Pacific lumber family. But no, he picks some little nobody, from a nobody family from a nowhere place.” Then, totally out of character, Martha Lee burst into tears and began sobbing into her white linen monogrammed table napkin.

Her husband went over and put his arms around her. “Oh, Martha, it will be all right. You’ll see.”

She looked up at him tearfully and nodded. “It’s just that I’m so terribly disappointed.”

—

AFTER THEIR FIRST meeting with the Caldwells at their home, all Bud had said to his daughter was, “Honey, you know your mother and I think the world of Brooks, and we couldn’t be happier that you’re marrying him, but just be aware that you’re landing in some pretty high cotton.”

“I know,” said Ruthie.

“Do you think you’re up for that?”

“I think so, Daddy.”

“Okay then, you know you have our full blessing. I’ll get myself all prettied up, and I promise I will be the best lookin’ father of the bride they’ve ever seen.”

—

SIX MONTHS LATER, at the wedding, Martha Lee had some small consolation. At least she could introduce the father of the bride as Dr. Threadgoode. She just prayed no one would ask what kind of a doctor. And as for the mother, she was sweet. But they were never going to be best friends.

FAIRHOPE, ALABAMA

1986

Just a short update: I’m sure you have all heard about my mishap by now. Nobody’s fault but my own. I was so busy looking down at my grocery list, and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. But I am okay now. And I have a new hip that is working fine.

Under the heading “You’re Never Too Old to Learn”: I thought I had known this before, but I never really realized just how much we all depend on other human beings, until I got hit by a truck in the Walmart parking lot and had my leg cut open. The minute it happened, total strangers came running from all over and gathered around me. One lady immediately called an ambulance; another sat down beside me and held my hand. A man ran and pulled a blanket out of his camper and covered me up so I wouldn’t go into shock. And they all, to a person, stayed right there with me, until the ambulance came.

They said later that if it hadn’t been for everybody’s fast action—from the people in the parking lot, to the ambulance drivers, and the ER doctors and nurses—I could have bled to death. People I’d never met before in my life, who didn’t know me from Adam’s cat, suddenly became the most important people in the world. All helped save my life, and I don’t even know their names. Except for the poor guy who hit me, bless his heart. It wasn’t even his fault. But he came to the hospital every day just to make sure I was okay.

My point is: From now on, no matter how hard the doom-and-gloomers try, they’ll never convince me the world is a terrible place and people are just no good. I know there are some rotten apples out there, but take it from me, this old world of ours, flawed as it may be, is a much better place than you have been told.

By the way, I read a quote from William A. Ward and thought I would pass it on. “God gave you 86,400 seconds a day. Have you used one to say ‘Thank you’?”

I sure did when I lived to tell the tale!

The other good news is that I received a call from Bud and Peggy Threadgoode telling me that their daughter, Ruthie, just gave birth to their first grandchild, a girl, named Carolyn Lee. Oh my, isn’t it amazing how fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday when Ruthie was born. How old am I? On that subject, don’t ask, and I won’t tell.

Anyhow, congrats to mother and child.

Love to all,

Dot

P.S. Idgie sent me a funny joke I’ll pass along: Put out with your relatives? Just remember, even the best family tree has its sap.

1989

ON SUNDAY MORNING, Bud was outside in the garage at his work table, busy repairing a birdhouse, when he heard Peggy calling out in a loud voice: “Oh my God. Oh my God. Bud, get in here quick!”

Bud immediately grabbed a hammer, then ran inside the house, ready to defend her from who knows what. “Where are you?” he yelled.

“In here!”

“In here” was at the kitchen table. Peggy was sitting by the window looking at herself in a round mirror about the size of a pancake.

Bud said, “What’s wrong? Are you all right?

She looked up at him accusingly. “Why didn’t you tell me I have a wattle?”

“A what?”

“A wattle! Look at my neck! I have a wattle under my chin. Right here…see?”

He walked over and looked.

“Do you see that?” she said, moving some skin under her chin back and forth. “I have a definite wattle!”

He looked closer and was baffled. “I don’t see anything, honey, maybe a little loose skin.”

“Bud, it’s not just loose skin. It’s a wattle! I know a wattle when I see one, and I have a wattle.”

He could tell she had made up her mind, and he was in a no-win situation. If he agreed she had a wattle, she would be upset. If he didn’t, she would still be upset. She continued staring at herself in the mirror. “I can’t believe you never noticed it. Look,” she said, turning her head back and forth. “Oh, I’m not aging well.”

“Honey, you look just fine to me. I don’t notice anything different. You still look like your beautiful self to me.”

“That’s because you’re my husband, and you’re looking at me through the eyes of love. But trust me. Other people notice.”

Bud could see that Peggy was really upset, and he tried his best to figure out some way to make her feel better. He finally said, “Hey, Red, how about I take you out to the Country Corner for lunch? A little fried okra? Black-eyed peas? Some good ole cornbread? That might cheer you up. What d’ya say?”

“Oh sure, Bud. And have everyone there say, ‘Oh look, there’s Doctor Threadgoode having lunch with his mother.’ ”

He laughed and went over and hugged her. “Oh, honey, come on,” he said. “It’s not that serious. Get dressed, and after lunch I’ll take you out to the shopping mall. How ’bout it?”

Peggy did love the cornbread at the Country Corner and the shopping mall, and after a long moment she gave in.