Фэнни Флэгг - The Wonder Boy of Whistle Stop

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

AS THEY STOOD and watched the police car drive away, Mr. Merris turned to the nervous bus driver. “I’m telling you, Jerome, if anything happens to Mr. Threadgoode and that family sues us…I’ve a good mind to have you drug tested.”

Jerome’s eyes suddenly opened up very wide. He wasn’t a doper, but he did smoke a little pot now and then.

Mr. Merris looked at him and said, “No, on second thought, I’d better not. If we found something, then we would be liable for sure. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t check your list before you left the lot.”

“I did, Mr. Merris. And I swear he wasn’t on the list.”

“And what was he doing on the Baptist bus? He should have been on the Methodist bus.”

Mr. Merris turned to the activities director who had been standing nearby on the sidewalk. “Hattie, you were there when they were boarding, what do you know about Mr. Threadgoode being on the Baptist bus?”

“Well…a couple of months ago, I do remember he got on the Presbyterian bus, and last week he took the Unity bus. And the week before, I think it might have been the Christian Scientist bus, but he always signed in, until today.”

“Why was he doing all that church hopping?”

Hattie shrugged. “He told me he was a spiritual seeker.”

“Oh, great,” Mr. Merris sniffed. “Well, thanks to you two, unless he shows up soon, we all may be new job seekers.”

As they all followed Mr. Merris back into the building, Hattie’s friend who worked in the dining room caught up with Hattie and walked beside her.

“What’s going on?” she whispered.

“Mr. Threadgoode escaped.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Flew the coop.”

“When?”

“This morning”

“Good for him.”

“Yeah. And Mr. Merris is having a fit.”

YES, MR. MERRIS was having a fit, and he thought with good reason. Naturally, they’d had residents wander away from the Manor before. With a large memory care unit on the premises, it was to be expected. But in the past, they had always been found within the hour, somewhere on the property. Mr. Threadgoode had been missing for over three and a half hours now, and this could very well mean Mr. Merris’s job. Not only had they lost a resident under his watch, it was the particular resident they’d lost that was so worrisome.

Richard Merris had started his professional life as choir director at the large All Saints Episcopal Church on Peachtree. It was the church all the old established monied families of Atlanta attended. And when their time came, Briarwood Manor was the preferred retirement home.

Eleven years ago, when Mrs. Sockwell, the former director of operations at Briarwood Manor, had what was later described as “a small nervous breakdown,” it was Mr. Merris’s good fortune to have been personally recommended for the position by none other than Mrs. Martha Lee Caldwell. Not only was she a lifetime board member at Briarwood, but her husband’s parents had been founding members. The elder Caldwells had donated the land, the building, and all the artwork that now graced the walls. Granted, Mr. Threadgoode wasn’t a Caldwell; he was the father of Martha’s daughter-in-law. But even so, Mr. Merris didn’t want to rile Martha Lee for any reason. He knew that if anything bad happened to Mr. Threadgoode, he was toast. Burnt toast.

—

MR. MERRIS WALKED back into his office, sat down at his desk, took his roll of Tums from his drawer, and then buzzed Miss Poole.

“Did you call the daughter?”

“Yes sir.”

“Listen, when you spoke to her, you didn’t sound too concerned, did you? I think we need to downplay this as much as we can, for as long as we can.”

“I just told her what you said to say, that we lost her father and you would be calling later with the details.”

“Okay. And did you say anything else?”

“No sir. I didn’t know anything else to say.”

“All right then. I’d better get this over with. I just hope to God she hasn’t called her mother-in-law yet.”

Mr. Merris glanced at himself in the mirror, adjusted his toupee a little to the right, and prepared himself for what could be a difficult phone call. He needed to sound as casual as he could under the circumstances. “Just put a smile in your voice,” he said, “and be calm.” He smiled and dialed. Ruthie picked up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Caldwell,” he oozed, “Richard Merris here. How are you doing? Listen, dear, I know Miss Poole called and told you a little bit about what was going on.”

“Yes…she did.”

“I hated to bother you with this, but frankly, Mrs. Caldwell, I really don’t think it’s all that serious. I know, it’s a little disconcerting not knowing where he is at the moment, but I’ll bet one day, we’ll all be laughing about it.”

Ruthie sat there wondering if she had suddenly gone insane or if he had.

“Mr. Merris…I don’t understand. Why would I ever be laughing about the loss of my father?”

“Oh no. I meant no offense. No, I just meant when we do locate him, and he’s perfectly fine, we’ll laugh about having been so worried, that’s all. And technically, we didn’t actually lose him. He just got off the Briarwood bus and walked away.”

“What?”

“Yes, and I was just informed by my staff that for some time now, every Sunday, your father has been getting on the wrong bus, and I hate to say it, Mrs. Caldwell, but quite frankly, I’m beginning to think it was all a ruse, and this…um…little stunt was planned all along and not an oversight on our part. But having said that, I can assure you that everything that can be done is being done.”

By now Ruthie’s head was spinning

“Wait…wait a minute. What bus? I’m so confused. Isn’t my father dead?”

Mr. Merris’s heart almost stopped. “Dead? Have you heard something? Has someone called you?”

“Yes, Miss Poole called and said my father had died this morning.”

“What? She said your father was dead ?”

“I thought that’s what she said.”

“Your father’s not dead. He’s just missing. Oh my heavenly Lord, can you give me a moment, Mrs. Caldwell?” He put his hand over the receiver and yelled into the next office. “Miss Poole, GET IN HERE…RIGHT THIS MINUTE! Mrs. Caldwell, let me call you right back. I have to fire someone.”

Janice Poole, who had seen this coming for some time, had already quietly packed her few personal things in a box and was on her way out the door. The hell with the Toyota hatchback; she’d get a bicycle.

—

AFTER SHE HUNG up with Mr. Merris, Ruthie broke down and sobbed. She had just been through one of the worst hours of her life. She had her father dead and buried and now, to suddenly find out he was alive. All the emotions of relief came flooding out. Thank goodness she hadn’t called the children and upset them for no reason. Daddy was alive. All that worry for nothing. Then it slowly started to sink in. Yes, he was alive, but, according to Mr. Merris, he was still missing. Oh Lord. Now she didn’t know if she should be worried about him anymore or not. Her father had a history of doing silly things. And if disappearing like this turned out to be one of his little jokes, when he did show up, she was going to kill him.

CAR 6

Seats 11 and 12

BUD THREADGOODE AND Billy Hornbeck were now deep in conversation. Billy was quite impressed that Bud had been a veterinarian and wanted to hear more about it, and Bud was perfectly happy holding court, telling him about some of his experiences.

“Of course, I was lucky,” he said. “In my profession, I mostly dealt with nice people. But I met a few bad apples along the way. You know, Billy, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their animals. I like just about everybody, and I can forgive a lot of things. But I don’t have a bit of use for a person who will mistreat an animal. My Aunt Idgie was the same way. One time, somebody threatened to kill her cat. And back then there was no animal control or anybody you could call. You had to take matters into your own hands.”