Pelham Wodehouse - Right Ho, Jeeves

I heard no more. A moment later I was out in God's air, fumbling with a fevered foot at the self-starter of the old car.

The engine raced. The clutch slid into position. I tooted and drove off.

My ganglions were still vibrating as I ran the car into the stables of Brinkley Court, and it was a much shaken Bertram who tottered up to his room to change into something loose. Having donned flannels, I lay down on the bed for a bit, and I suppose I must have dozed off, for the next thing I remember is finding Jeeves at my side.

I sat up. “My tea, Jeeves?”

“No, sir. It is nearly dinner-time.”

The mists cleared away.

“I must have been asleep.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Nature taking its toll of the exhausted frame.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And enough to make it.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And now it's nearly dinner-time, you say? All right. I am in no mood for dinner, but I suppose you had better lay out the clothes.”

“It will not be necessary, sir. The company will not be dressing tonight. A cold collation has been set out in the dining-room.”

“Why's that?”

“It was Mrs. Travers's wish that this should be done in order to minimize the work for the staff, who are attending a dance at Sir Percival Stretchley-Budd's residence tonight.”

“Of course, yes. I remember. My Cousin Angela told me. Tonight's the night, what? You going, Jeeves?”

“No, sir. I am not very fond of this form of entertainment in the rural districts, sir.”

“I know what you mean. These country binges are all the same. A piano, one fiddle, and a floor like sandpaper. Is Anatole going? Angela hinted not.”

“Miss Angela was correct, sir. Monsieur Anatole is in bed.”

“Temperamental blighters, these Frenchmen.”

“Yes, sir.”

There was a pause.

“Well, Jeeves,” I said, “it was certainly one of those afternoons, what?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I cannot recall one more packed with incident. And I left before the finish.”

“Yes, sir. I observed your departure.”

“You couldn't blame me for withdrawing.”

“No, sir. Mr. Fink-Nottle had undoubtedly become embarrassingly personal.”

“Was there much more of it after I went?”

“No, sir. The proceedings terminated very shortly. Mr. Fink-Nottle's remarks with reference to Master G.G. Simmons brought about an early closure.”

“But he had finished his remarks about G.G. Simmons.”

“Only temporarily, sir. He resumed them immediately after your departure. If you recollect, sir, he had already proclaimed himself suspicious of Master Simmons's bona fides, and he now proceeded to deliver a violent verbal attack upon the young gentleman, asserting that it was impossible for him to have won the Scripture-knowledge prize without systematic cheating on an impressive scale. He went so far as to suggest that Master Simmons was well known to the police.”

“Golly, Jeeves!”

“Yes, sir. The words did create a considerable sensation. The reaction of those present to this accusation I should describe as mixed. The young students appeared pleased and applauded vigorously, but Master Simmons's mother rose from her seat and addressed Mr. Fink-Nottle in terms of strong protest.”

“Did Gussie seem taken aback? Did he recede from his position?”

“No, sir. He said that he could see it all now, and hinted at a guilty liaison between Master Simmons's mother and the head master, accusing the latter of having cooked the marks, as his expression was, in order to gain favour with the former.”

“You don't mean that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Egad, Jeeves! And then—”

“They sang the national anthem, sir.”

“Surely not?”

“Yes, sir.”

“At a moment like that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, you were there and you know, of course, but I should have thought the last thing Gussie and this woman would have done in the circs. would have been to start singing duets.”

“You misunderstand me, sir. It was the entire company who sang. The head master turned to the organist and said something to him in a low tone. Upon which the latter began to play the national anthem, and the proceedings terminated.”

“I see. About time, too.”

“Yes, sir. Mrs. Simmons's attitude had become unquestionably menacing.”

I pondered. What I had heard was, of course, of a nature to excite pity and terror, not to mention alarm and despondency, and it would be paltering with the truth to say that I was pleased about it. On the other hand, it was all over now, and it seemed to me that the thing to do was not to mourn over the past but to fix the mind on the bright future. I mean to say, Gussie might have lowered the existing Worcestershire record for goofiness and definitely forfeited all chance of becoming Market Snodsbury's favourite son, but you couldn't get away from the fact that he had proposed to Madeline Bassett, and you had to admit that she had accepted him.

I put this to Jeeves.

“A frightful exhibition,” I said, “and one which will very possibly ring down history's pages. But we must not forget, Jeeves, that Gussie, though now doubtless looked upon in the neighbourhood as the world's worst freak, is all right otherwise.”

“No, sir.”

I did not get quite this.

“When you say 'No, sir,' do you mean 'Yes, sir'?”

“No, sir. I mean 'No, sir.'“

“He is not all right otherwise?”

“No, sir.”

“But he's betrothed.”

“No longer, sir. Miss Bassett has severed the engagement.”

“You don't mean that?”

“Yes, sir.”

I wonder if you have noticed a rather peculiar thing about this chronicle. I allude to the fact that at one time or another practically everybody playing a part in it has had occasion to bury his or her face in his or her hands. I have participated in some pretty glutinous affairs in my time, but I think that never before or since have I been mixed up with such a solid body of brow clutchers.

Uncle Tom did it, if you remember. So did Gussie. So did Tuppy. So, probably, though I have no data, did Anatole, and I wouldn't put it past the Bassett. And Aunt Dahlia, I have no doubt, would have done it, too, but for the risk of disarranging the carefully fixed coiffure.

Well, what I am trying to say is that at this juncture I did it myself. Up went the hands and down went the head, and in another jiffy I was clutching as energetically as the best of them.

And it was while I was still massaging the coconut and wondering what the next move was that something barged up against the door like the delivery of a ton of coals.

“I think this may very possibly be Mr. Fink-Nottle himself, sir,” said Jeeves.

His intuition, however, had led him astray. It was not Gussie but Tuppy. He came in and stood breathing asthmatically. It was plain that he was deeply stirred.

I eyed him narrowly. I didn't like his looks. Mark you, I don't say I ever had, much, because Nature, when planning this sterling fellow, shoved in a lot more lower jaw than was absolutely necessary and made the eyes a bit too keen and piercing for one who was neither an Empire builder nor a traffic policeman. But on the present occasion, in addition to offending the aesthetic sense, this Glossop seemed to me to be wearing a distinct air of menace, and I found myself wishing that Jeeves wasn't always so dashed tactful. I mean, it's all very well to remove yourself like an eel sliding into mud when the employer has a visitor, but there are moments—and it looked to me as if this was going to be one of them—when the truer tact is to stick round and stand ready to lend a hand in the free-for-all.

For Jeeves was no longer with us. I hadn't seen him go, and I hadn't heard him go, but he had gone. As far as the eye could reach, one noted nobody but Tuppy. And in Tuppy's demeanour, as I say, there was a certain something that tended to disquiet. He looked to me very much like a man who had come to reopen that matter of my tickling Angela's ankles.