Haley Hill - It's Got To Be Perfect - A laugh out loud comedy about finding your perfect match

Behind him, the lounge bar gleamed as though it had been the subject of an extreme makeover. In the twenty-four hours since the party, the carpet had been shampooed, the sofas scrubbed and the surfaces polished. Fresh flowers replaced the old, new candles replaced withered stumps and the shadows seemed to have crept back into the crevices. Aside from a few resistant stains, all traces of the night had been erased.

During the prerequisite discussion about his family and career background, I sensed we were both losing interest.

‘Okay,’ I said, improvising a drum roll on the table. ‘Now you get to tell me what you’re looking for.’

He smiled. ‘You’re going to love this.’

‘Go on,’ I said, before taking a sip of coffee.

‘I have absolutely no idea. That’s my answer. I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m looking for. I just want someone nice.’

I smiled. ‘That’s great. Open-minded is the best way to be when dating,’ I said, though not entirely convincing myself. ‘So you don’t have a type at all?’

He shuffled in his seat again. ‘I used to have a type, but not any more. I love all girls: tall, short, slim, curvy, blondes, brunettes, white, black. I suppose the main issue would be settling with just one.’ He laughed.

I frowned.

‘That was a joke,’ he said. ‘I’d be more than happy with one. The right one.’

‘Okay, so how do we find the right one?’

His eyebrows met in a semi-frown. ‘I don’t have any trouble attracting girls, or finding girls I’m attracted to. But—’ he leant back in his seat and looked up to the ceiling ‘—I go off them.’

‘You go off them?’

He nodded.

‘Can you explain?’

He scratched his nose. ‘It’s quite difficult to explain when I don’t really understand it myself.’

‘Try.’

‘Okay, well, when I meet a girl I like, I fall in love easily,’ he explained, still scratching his nose. ‘It’s a bit like a favourite T-shirt. I’ll wear it all the time and then one day I’ll look at it and hate it. And then throw it out.’

‘Because you’ve found a new favourite T-shirt?’

‘Not necessarily. Sometimes. Other times, I’ll just wear other T-shirts until I find a new favourite one.’

Steve appeared at our table. ‘You can never have enough T-shirts,’ he said, nodding at Dr Stud, who then laughed. ‘Any more drinks?’

‘Thanks for the insightful input, Steve, another coffee for me. Still haven’t quite metabolised those cocktails.’

‘You’re better off with water: rehydrate and flush out that acetaldehyde,’ Dr Stud suggested, before turning towards Steve. ‘I’ll have a beer, please, mate. And I like your T-shirt.’

He nodded at Brigitte who was squeezed into a tiny red dress and pouting next to the bar. I turned around. I hadn’t noticed her until now, yet Dr Stud, who’d had his back to the bar, had somehow managed to assess her attractiveness and ascertain that she was something to do with Steve.

‘The male sixth sense,’ I said after I’d shared my thoughts with him. ‘The ability to determine cup size and sexual availability without turning your head.’

He laughed. ‘And the female equivalent? The ability to calculate total net worth with a casual glance.’

I smirked. ‘So do you think what you earn is important to women?’

He laughed, but this time it sounded forced and irritated. ‘Of course. You wouldn’t believe the number of women I’ve pulled just by telling them I’m a doctor.’

‘But that’s not because of how much you earn.’

‘No?’

‘No, it’s more of a profession fetish. You know, a sort of white-coat-hyper-competent-House-meets-George-Clooney-in- ER combined with I’ve-married-a-doctor-didn’t-I-do-well type thing.’

He leant back and laughed. ‘I thought we weren’t discussing your issues?’

My cheeks flushed. ‘Sorry, please continue.’

‘And I think,’ he continued, still half smiling from my outburst, ‘that’s half the reason I get fed up with the girls I date. It’s as though they’re too stupid to plan their own lives, so instead they’re waiting for me to do it for them. It’s pathetic really.’

I opened my mouth to say something, but he continued.

‘I’ve got this friend who quit being a doctor the day she married. She studied for seven years and then only worked for one. What’s that all about? Seriously, what’s the point of putting women through university if they’re just going to give it up when they get married?’

‘But that’s only one girl,’ I said.

He didn’t respond, but simply took a sip of the beer Steve had just brought over.

‘So I think what you’re saying is that you want to date an independent woman?’ I asked, picking up my pen, poised to take notes.

‘That’s what most girls think they are. But they’re not.’

‘Okay, okay,’ I interrupted, now feeling the need to defend my team. ‘Let’s rewind a bit. The night we met. In the queue for Apt.’

‘Yes.’

‘You were pretty offensive.’

He raised his eyebrows.

‘Grabbing bottoms and making reference to anal sex is likely to put off the intelligent, independent women. We want to be wined, dined and cherished. Not objectified and manhandled.’

He smirked. ‘Manhandled? Do people still say that?’

I frowned. ‘Don’t deflect.’

‘I was hardly Benny Hill chasing you around the club to clown music. Honk, honk.’ He pretended to squeeze a pair of imaginary boobs.

‘It was still disrespectful.’

‘You disrespected yourself, wearing that miniskirt.’

I laughed. ‘It was a dress actually and it wasn’t that short.’

‘It was tight around your bottom. And, yes, it was short.’

‘So you’re saying I was asking for it?’

He shook his head. ‘Of course not. But—’

‘Yes, go on, please.’

‘You wanted men to notice. Or you wouldn’t have worn it.’

‘Is it a crime to want to look nice?’

‘Nice or sexy?’

I rolled my eyes.

‘Okay. So this is how it goes.’ He sat forward in his chair and stared at me. ‘I work my arse off in a job which gives me a good salary and lifestyle. I then use this to wine and dine a woman who feels she is entitled to it just for being her wonderful, beautiful, miniskirted self. And then, if I behave correctly—i.e. spend enough money, shower her with enough compliments, pander to her neuroses—then I am allowed sex. I’m supposed to pretend it is the best sex I have ever had and never want it with anyone else again. From then onward, I am expected to continue this ridiculous charade until she has borne her desired number of children and we are old and withered. Unless I get fed up with her unending list of demands, and leave her, or have an affair, in which case I will be back at square one, only with half my income gone.’

When he had finished, he sat back in his chair and took, what seemed to be, a triumphant sip of beer.

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