Philip Hensher - The Emperor Waltz

‘Thanks for everything, Mrs Khan,’ Nathan said, as she walked out. There was a click, the noise of a cigarette lighter striking. ‘You’ve been very kind, thank you very much. Man, that sket is bare long.’

‘I thought she’d never shut it and fuck off. I was going to call the feds,’ Nick said.

‘Yeah, and she call the feds on you, wallad,’ Nathan said. ‘Wagwarn with Mr Khan and the jezz at the garden centre ? Oh, she blonde, she hot, she short-skirt sket. You know you trouble? You say too much detail when you tell lie, is it. Friday afternoon, blond secretary – she know, Mrs Khan, she know what her man doing Friday afternoon. You leave it vague and imprecise, fool, you plant seed of doubt in Mrs Khan mind.’

‘Yeah, I do better next time,’ Nick said. ‘I buy packet of seeds at garden centre – packet of seeds of doubt and plant them in Mrs Khan mind.’

Nathan and Nick looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

The door opened again. There was Anita Khan. She stood against the jamb, kicking it gently, looking from Nick to Nathan. She ran her fingers through her hair, pulling it out, letting it drop again. ‘You’re Nick,’ she said, ‘and you’re like Nathan.’

‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Nick said. ‘You’re good. Most people can’t tell the difference.’

‘I can’t tell the difference,’ she said. ‘I was just guessing in like a totally random way, you know, and in my random way I was right? I could have said the other way round, easy. I’m supposed to like entertain you. How old are you anyway?’

‘I’m thirteen,’ Nathan said.

‘Oh, kay,’ she said. ‘And how old are you, little boy?’

‘We’re twins, man,’ Nick said. ‘That means we are like exactly the same age, only by minutes. That’s what twins means.’

‘Wow, is that the case?’ Anita said, coming in and letting the door slam behind her. ‘I never knew that. I was always hearing about twins, you know, but I never believed they like really existed? I was like they’re, like unicorns and shit, mythical beasts, yeah? But here you are. And you’re like the same age, the exact same age, and you have the same birthday, you know what I mean? Wow. Cool. Anyway.’

‘Oh, come on, Anita,’ Nathan said. ‘You know you got to stay in here with us to make sure we don’t trash the place.’

‘Whatever. That’s the best time I ever heard of,’ Anita said. She ran her fingers through her hair. ‘Like, spending a whole evening in a room with two thirteen-year-old boys. That sounds like incredible?’

‘There’s an eleven-year-old boy coming as well,’ Nathan said. ‘And they be thirteen-year-olds in the ghetto in Chicago done be killing they third man, so you don’t be treating us like kindergarten, you feel me, Anita. Ain’t they told you that one, about the eleven-year-old? His mum’s coming on her own – she’s that sket where the husband he left her, and she’s wondering why. You get me? She lives down there, ten doors down, is it, and she’s fat but no tits, you know the one.’

The doorbell rang downstairs; a four-toned chime.

‘That’s her,’ Nick said. ‘That’s her with her eleven-year-old we got to entertain.’

‘O-kay,’ Anita said. ‘That sounds fabulous. I’m like running a crèche here, you know what I mean. Are we going to watch CBBC, I hear In the Night Garden ’s like on – that’s going to keep them all quiet?’

‘No, it’s X Factor , is it. But that’s dutty. We ain’t seeing that.’

‘That Louis Walsh, he badman, is it.’

The twins laughed. Anita went over to the table where her mother had deposited the tray.

‘Oh, my God,’ she said, running her fingers through her hair. ‘This is like – have you seen this food, it’s like a million calories in like every bite, I’m not touching that. My mother, she’s crazy? She thinks she’s got to feed me up every chance, you know what I mean? You’ve got to eat twice as much or she’ll think I’m anorexic and shit. This food is like so random. This shit, it reminds me, it was like this one time at my friend’s house, like once, it was incredible?’

‘Hey, Anita,’ Nathan said.

‘Yes, Nick,’ Anita said.

‘No, I’m Nathan,’ Nathan said. ‘You got my name right a minute back.’

‘I’ve like forgotten already,’ Anita said. ‘So, Nathan. What were you saying?’

‘Are you going to tell about this one time at your friend’s house, because it was like incredible?’ Nathan said.

‘Oh, fuck you,’ Anita said.

‘I was saying ,’ Nick said, ‘that

‘I just couldn’t believe it,’ Mr Carraway was saying, drink in hand. ‘I had a phone call from Simon Wu about the Middlesbrough plant, this is four thirty on a Friday afternoon, an aspect of the sale we hadn’t considered, and could I draw up a memorandum for Helen Barclay’s office, which I did – it was a whole weekend, dawn till dusk – and got it to Simon Wu first thing on Monday morning. It was a piece of work, I can tell you – it was really one of my proudest moments, turning something like that round in, what, forty-eight hours? Next thing I know—’

‘This is amazing, this,’ Mrs Carraway said, confidentially, leaning forward to Mr Khan. ‘Amazing.’

‘The next thing I know, Shabnam, is a furious phone call from Helen Barclay’s office. On my mobile – I was in Birmingham in a meeting on a completely different project that Monday morning, I had to leave to take the call – and it couldn’t wait. What did I think I was doing? I’d sent the report to Simon Wu and cc’d Helen Barclay’s office. They’d have me know that next time I should send it to Helen Barclay’s office and cc Simon Wu. They were in the lead and I should be writing to them.’

‘Doesn’t matter that they would have got the report in the same way, exactly the same way,’ Mrs Carraway said, in the same confidential manner. ‘Can you imagine, Michael?’

Michael Khan shook his head. ‘It’s all about ownership,’ he said. ‘People believe that they own a project and should be addressed first. I’ve met this before. People are so concerned about who comes first in these situations. The main person and the cc is just a part of those questions of hierarchy.’

‘And women,’ Shabnam Khan said. ‘It’s just so typical of a woman in this situation, that a woman like—’

‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ Mr Carraway said.

‘Another drink, Caroline?’ Michael said.

‘Well, I don’t mind if

we can have some fun up here,’ Nathan said. ‘You get me? Anita, you like poppers?’

‘Poppers?’ Anita said. ‘Are you like seriously asking me if I like poppers?’

‘Ah, come on, Anita,’ Nick said. ‘We’re having a bit of banter with you, man. We know you ain’t been to orchestra practice this afternoon like your mum says.’

‘Oh, yeah,’ Anita said. ‘So I’ve been like where, then?’

‘You’ve been doing it with some badman all afternoon, ain’t that the truth?’ Nick said. ‘You’ve been lying there, and saying to him, go on, do me, do me.’

‘Whatever. Go away, little boy,’ Anita said. ‘You’re wrong in the head. I went to orchestra practice, you know? I took my violin, and my dad drove me, and I like rehearsed Dvo ák’s like Eighth Symphony, and then at seven my dad came to pick me up. So where was I supposed to be doing it you know with some badman , do you think?’

‘Ah, come on, Anita, we know you like it, we know you sket deep down,’ Nathan said.

‘And we brought you some poppers,’ Nick said. ‘You like poppers, Anita?’

Out of his back pocket in his falling-down, underpants-showing jeans, Nick pulled a small brown bottle. Anita leant over and examined it. The label said Jungle Juice.