Mark Glanville - The Goldberg Variations

‘What’s ’at you got in yer bag?’ asked a classmate one day as I surreptitiously slipped a copy of Korstner’s Kant into my briefcase during a science lesson.

‘Kant.’

‘Wor, Cunt! Let’s ’ave a look!’

It was probably exactly what I should have been reading instead.

On my first outing with the Cockney Reds I was caught in no man’s land. Struggling to lever myself out of the quagmire of pseudo-accademia, I turned up in a very unstreetwise brown velvet jacket, perfect for browsing in antiquarian bookshops, inappropriate on a train carrying one of the country’s most feared crews of violent football hooligans. Their recent trip to Cardiff, with the most vicious fighting seen at a football match in years, had alerted the media, and the platform at Liverpool Street looked like a film set as the full armoury of BBC outside broadcasting descended.

Norwich was an all-ticket affair, and we didn’t have the numbers to justify a special train, instead making do with four reserved carriages. Farmers and gentry quivered or bristled as chants of ‘We have fits of mental violence’ and ‘Psycho aggro’ rent the air. At last I was among the tribe of scarred, tattooed faces that had so long fascinated me. Finding a space, I was joined by two skinheads and their greasy-haired, pockmarked companion who clambered into the empty seats around me, pushing aside my legs as they did so. I smiled at the one with the hair. He glared back.

‘You Uni’ed?’

‘’Course.’

‘’Cos this is a Uni’ed carriage.’

He looked at me in disgust, the way other passengers had been looking at them.

‘Wha’s that you go’ in yer bag?’

‘Sandwiches.’

‘Gi’ ’s one!’

I hauled my plastic bag onto the table, but before I could open it they’d grabbed it and were delving in, pulling out Mum’s carefully-wrapped packed lunch, and attacking the contents in a way that made Dad look like a finishing-school graduate.

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