Laura Elliot - The Lost Sister

Love to you and Daddy and Gramps

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Cathy

10 July 1987

Dear Mammy,

Today was nice. We had a picnic in Gramp’s river field. It belongs to Becks now. A woman called Lulu May rents it from Becks and keeps horses there. She made us tea in the cottage and brought it out to the picnic and sat with us. The sun was shining. Julie blew the seeds from dandylion clocks and said Seb…Paul…Seb…Paul. All the last seeds said Paul…Paul…Paul. I’m glad because Sebby Morris keeps talking about going to Austrailya and Julie says she’ll go with him. Paul says he’s all hot air and gets mad jelous if he even looks at Julie. Please don’t let her go away.

Lulu’s horses waded across the river to see us. They nussled Beck’s cheeks like they loved her too. I’m really glad she didn’t sell the field to Mr Moran for his ticky tacky houses.

Please make every day like today.

Love to you and Daddy and Gramps

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Cathy

25 August 1987

Dear Mammy,

What a week! Julie failed the Leaving. Too much snogging on the sofa with Paul ha ha. Mr Moran says failing was on the cards from the beginning and the same will happen to me and Lauren if Becks doesn’t keep a tighter rein on us. The row about the Leaving was bad. I wish Becks would stop bossing us around. I wish Julie would stop driving her nuts. I wish Lauren would smile and talk to me. I don’t want to go to the Morans with her. Julie won’t go, no way ho-say, and Rebecca says she needs a break so me and Lauren we have to go on our own to Meadow Lark.

Love to you and Daddy and Gramps

Cathy

1 November 1987

Dear Mammy,

Sad news. All the bangers killed Nero. Becks found him in the kitchen this morning stiff. We had a funeral in the garden and she made a cross for his grave and read a poem about a dog being a woman’s best friend. She cried worse than at your funeral.

Love to you, Daddy, Gramps and Nero

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Cathy

They use a language I can’t decode. Even Lauren with her lost eyes is part of it. Silent and subtle, implicate in the twist of a lip, the lift of an eyebrow, the flash of their eyes meeting. Even the way they hold their shoulders sends out signals that can change their mood, avert an argument, turn a serious discussion into a joke from which I always feel excluded. I can’t remember when I first noticed that it had become Me and Them…Us and Her. I know why they resent me. I’m to blame for trying to replace the irreplaceable…but what is there to do?

Julie escapes into her music. There’s been complaints from the neighbours about the noise from the garden shed but she yawns and sighs and heaves her shoulders when I try and talk to her. I hear my voice, shrill, bad-tempered, bossy, and find it hard to recognise myself. I hate what they’ve turned me into. Lydia is the only one who understands.

I never thought I’d have anything in common with a woman in her forties but she’s been a brick. I talked to her about Jeremy and how he never bothered phoning to tell me he was moving to New York. I had to hear it from Sheila. Rose Moore looked terrible when I saw her in Malahide Village last week. I probably looked the same after he dumped me. I told her it would pass but she took it the wrong way and said she was the one who dumped him and good riddance. She’s such a liar.

15 January 1988

Dear Mummy,

It’s three years now. Me and Kevin visited your grave this evening. The gates were closed but there was a hole in the wall and we could slide in real easy. We met a Goth there called Melancholia Barnes. She’s two years older than me and is in First Year with Kevin. Now she’s my friend as well. I thought Goth was all about sucking blood and pet bats but Melancholia says it’s just about people who want to be different to the masses. She’s actually called Melanie but she hates her name and thinks Mel is for bimbos. We went back to my house and had popcorn and watched The Addams Family on telly.

She can talk to the dead. Kevin can’t but he believes you can smell dead people. His father is dead longer than you so he knows best. Mr Mulvaney had a bad heart and was cramated but Kevin can not smell ashes only roses, like the ones his father used to grow in the garden.

I got a glass from the kitchen and we put our fingers on the edge of it. Melancholia told us to close our eyes. She said spirit of the glass speak to us speak to us. We had to press hard on the edge of the glass and it wobbled when it tried to give us a message. I wanted to talk to you and Daddy and Kevin wanted to talk to his father. Becks came into the room when the glass was wobbling and gave out like mad. She believes it’s dangerous to meddle with something we don’t understand. How can it be wrong to talk to the dead? She is such a pain.

Love to you, Daddy, Gramps Gaynor and Nero,

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Cathy

15 May 1988

Dear Mummy,

I have to tell you something. I’m getting little boobs and I’ve hair down that place. It’s scary and I’m afraid to tell Becks in case it’s weird. Lauren is four years older and she has no boobs yet. Soon I’ll look like Julie. That’s scary. She said Cross Your Heart is the best kind of bra. Becks says she’s too busy to notice if she’s got boobs or not. She has. I saw her standing in front of the mirror in her room one night. She had no clothes on. She thought I was sleeping and was mad as a bear when she saw me at the door. She put on her nightdress and asked me what I was staring at. Who cares?

Paul and Julie are fighting. Not so much snogging on the sofa any more. She is supposed to be studying hard for her Leaving Repeats but all she cares about is the band. Paul says Maximum Volume can’t go touring until he’s finished college.

Love to you, Daddy, Gramps Gaynor and Nero.

XXXXX

Cathy

30 October 1988

Dear Mum,

Me and Kevin held a séance in Melancholia’s house tonight. Did you hear us? Did we cause a vibration in heaven? Rebecca would go nuts if she knew. We lit candles and sat in a circle. Melancholia asked the ouija board to spell out your name and it did. Rachel. I couldn’t believe it. Kevin accused her of moving the indicator but I know she didn’t ’cause I was watching real close. Then it spelled Jerry. It should have been Gerry but it was near enough. Kevin asked the board to spell his father’s name and laughed like mad when it spelled John instead of Kenneth. But 2 out of 3 is not bad. Do you think the séance was for real? It must be. I never told Melancholia your names so she couldn’t have been guessing.

Becks thinks she’s a bad influence and I should have friends my own age. I wish she’d stop trying to run my life for me. Melancholia has tattoos. One on her butt, one on her breast and two on her arms. She said it doesn’t hurt a bit. Becks would freak if I dared get one but Leah (that’s Melancholia’s mum) didn’t mind a bit. It’s hard to believe she’s a mother. She looks like Melancholia’s older sister except her hair is blonde and she wears ra-ra skirts with sparkles. She looks younger than Becks. Julie is still giving out about college. You’d think she’d be glad she got her Repeat Leaving but she hates computer studies and having to sit in front of a computer when all she wants to do is sing for her fans. Becks says computers are the future and to stop complaining and do what she’s told for a change.

Love to Dad and all,

Cathy

1 Jan 1989

Dear Mum,

What a start to the new year. Julie and Paul are all off!! She keeps looking at Sebby Morris like he’s a king or something and says she’s in love for real. So what was Paul? A dress rehearcell? I feel really sorry for him. I saw him walking in the castle grounds last night and he looked wild with his beard but it’s not a proper one, more like he can’t be bothered shaving and he doesn’t show up much for band practice. Her and Paul have been together yonks and she doesn’t give a toss that she’s broken his heart. She’s such a bitch and I hate sharing with her ’cause all she talks about is going away with Sebby Morris.