Laura Elliot - The Lost Sister

Love to Dad and all,

Cathy

15 January 1989

Dear Mum,

I can’t believe it’s four years. We went to mass and placed a wreath on your grave. We finally got permission to erect the cross in you and Daddy’s memory. Everyone says it’s not a distraction on the bend. But they see it and it makes them slow down and that’s good. I’m glad the cross is up at last but I hate the reason Becks had to fight to get it there.

Julie’s being nice again. She’s asleep now with the pillow over her head. She came into the room tonight when I was crying about her going away with Sebby and then she cried too and said going away was all hot air and the far away hills are greener than the garden shed or something like that and she tickled me so much I got the hiccups and so did she and Becks yelled at us to behave and stop doing her head in. I’m glad I didn’t tell her about Julie going away because she would have stopped her and had a BIG ROW. This way, Julie made up her mind on her own.

Love to Dad and All,

Cathy

3 February 1989

Dear Mum,

Something happened today. I got my period. I had a pain in my tummy all day and then I saw the blood. Becks said I’m too young. I’m not even a teenager so it must be a mistake. No mistake. She gave me a hot water bottle for my tummy and said the pain will be gone by tomorrow. Julie said I’m now a victim of The Curse and hermoans. She bought me a Curly Wurly bar. I thought you’d like to know. I don’t feel any different. Should I?

Lauren says she doesn’t care if she never gets her period. She should by now. But you can bleed in other ways. I see cuts on her arms, scabs healing. She makes me sick!! I was going to tell Becks but there’ll only be another row so I’m saying nothing for the moment.

I’ll write again soon.

Love to you and Daddy and Gramps and Nero,

Cathy

11 May 1989

Dear Mum,

Major news! I’m going to be an auntie. Talk about trouble. Becks (actually, it’s Rebecca now, she says Becks is kid stuff and, as we all claim to be adults, we must call her by her proper name) went ballistic when she heard. Julie is refusing to marry Paul. She says she’ll take the baby with her in a sling when she’s touring. Small problem. Maximum Volume don’t exist any more. Seb’s gone to Australia and the new guitarist is useless and Paul’s got to do exams to support a wife and child. Wife, my arse, said Julie, are you deaf or what? We’re not getting married!!!!!

Lauren’s staying in her room as usual and I’m spending all my time with Kevin and Melancholia. I’m glad I have friends. They’re so much easier than family. I can’t believe I’m actually going to be an auntie!

Love to Dad and all,

Cathy

22 September 1989

Dear Mum,

Seconderry school is not as bad as I thought. I cycle with Kevin and Melancholia and I sit beside them in the canteen even though I’m only a First Year and that’s insect status as far as the rest of the students are concerned. I’m afraid I didn’t make the top stream like Lauren. I’m in a low stream but who cares…except Becks and that’s just because it reflects badly on her.

Melancholia looks like a Goth even in her school uniform and she couldn’t care less what people think about her. When Jobbo Boland makes a pretend cross sign with his arms and calls her Belladonna, she just laughs and calls him a wanker. I never heard the Cure or the Banshees or Bachaus until she played them. I’m never going to listen to Kylie Minogue again.

Julie is getting bigger every day. Paul still wants to marry her. He must be off his head. She has such a temper and if she’s not sulking she’s bawling her eyes out. She’s never ever getting married.

Love to Dad and all,

Cathy

1 November 1989

Dear Mum

Julie’s wedding was brilliant. She didn’t care about being a whale and kept getting up on the stage to sing with the wedding band. Rebecca walked her up the aisle. It should have been Daddy but Rebecca said we had to make this a happy day. Lauren looked like a mermaid in her bridesmaid’s dress. Mrs Moran eyes slid sideways when Mr Moran was dancing with her and said it’s amazing how quickly young people grow up nowadays when there’s no proper supervision. I thought Rebecca was going to thump her. I would have! Paul nearly had to carry Julie off the stage so that the band could play Congratulations and send them off on their honeymoon to Galway. We used boxes and boxes of confetti. Julie was so huge she needed it all to cover her tummy! And Jeremy Anderson came!! Home from the Big Apple. Guess he didn’t like the taste. He danced with Rebecca and she looked like the happiest woman in the world.

Love to Daddy and all,

Cathy

Never believe your best friend when she promises not to interfere in your love life. Sheila said it was just the two of us meeting for a meal. We’d seen so little of each other since she got engaged to Brian. I figured she wanted to show off her ring and steeled myself to be enthusiastic when she discussed her wedding plans. But I was wrong. I didn’t notice Jeremy at first. Brian blocked him from view until I was almost at the table. Then it was too late to run.

I believed I’d stopped loving him. Convinced myself he meant nothing to me. Believed I hated him for being a coward. Paul stuck by Julie, put up with her moods and her tears and her tantrums and now…well, it’s not exactly a match made in Heaven but he’ll be holding her hand when the baby comes.

Jeremy said he was too young to carry me through the bad times and he ran. It’s hard remembering how I felt then…when I think back to those years they seem dreamlike, as if we were performing a play on a stage and the world was our audience. I remember people walking to the other side of the street, hoping I hadn’t noticed they were avoiding me. I can understand their embarrassment. We were an ordinary family made extraordinary by tragedy. I wouldn’t have known what to say either and, sometimes, it’s better to keep on going.

Jeremy regrets leaving me, the heartache he caused. I try to remember the heartache but I can’t…I think my feelings must have been stirred in the greater melting pot of grief.

He’s older now and he’s back. Little steps. Everything can be done in little steps. He says I can trust him. He’s changed, matured, knows what he wants.

VisionFirst have set up an advertising division in Ireland and sent him back from New York to work in it. I’m not surprised. His persuasive powers are good. Julie says I must be off my head to trust him again. The leopard’s spots are not for changing. But I have to trust him. He’s brought me back to life.

22 November 1989

Dear Mum,

I’m a teenager at last. My birthday party was brilliant. Rebecca gave me a stereo. Melancholia gave me Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice and Kevin gave me a CD of the Cure. Lauren gave me scented candles. Julie and Paul gave me a gift voucher for Awear. Jonathan gave me a mug with The Coolest Hip Auntie in Town on it. I still can’t believe he was born on their honeymoon! Julie said pushing out the Rock of Cashel would have been easier. Mrs Mulvaney gave me a pair of Docs. Mr Moran gave me money and Mrs Moran gave me a dictionary. Bitch! Jeremy gave me Lily of the Valley perfume. I have it on me now and it’s gorgeous.

I sleep with Rebecca now. I miss your room but it’s Julie and Paul’s, and I prefer sharing with Rebecca rather than freaky Lauren. It’s strange having a man living in the house. I can’t remember Daddy’s sounds. Paul sings when he’s in the shower and he leaves the toilet seat up and talks to the telly when he’s watching football. He’s given up college and is working with computers. Jonathan is adorable! He looks like Daddy. Everyone says so. When I held him for the first time he gripped my thumb so tight I thought my heart would melt with love for him. Lauren was afraid to hold him in case she let him fall. She never wants to have a baby and that’s just as well because of the accident and what it did to her insides.