Emilie Richards - The Swallow's Nest

“You’re defending him!”

“No, I’m just struggling to figure it out. And it is a struggle, but then nobody’s ever told me I might only have months to live.”

Still clutching the T-shirt, she met his eyes. Part of Carrick’s nature was to see both sides of every situation, which made him an excellent lawyer. But while he was fair, he was also human, and she heard anger resonating in his voice. Now she saw it shining in his green eyes. And he wasn’t angry at her.

“Will you drive me to the airport? If you feel that’s taking sides, I’ll ask Regan.”

“Of course I will, but do you have a reservation?”

She gave a shake of her head. “I just want to get out of here.”

“I’ll see what’s available and when.”

“I would appreciate that.”

He got up, but he didn’t move away. “Please, take your time making big decisions.”

“It’s too bad you didn’t give Graham that advice, what...a year ago?”

“He didn’t make a decision. He made a mistake.”

“That poor little baby.” Despite everything, Lilia felt a stab of sympathy for Toby, whose entrance into this difficult world had been doomed from the start. A mother who didn’t want him, a father who hadn’t acknowledged him, and a stepmother who until today hadn’t even known he existed.

She was a stepmother. For as long as she stayed married to Graham, her relationship to the little boy who had been dumped into her arms as unceremoniously as a bag of garbage actually had a name. It seemed inconceivable, like everything else that had happened in the past half hour.

Carrick started toward the door. “I’m going to send him up.”

She wasn’t going to stay in the house a moment longer than she needed to, so it was now or not at all. She finally folded the shirt. “You do that. But tell him he only has as long as it takes me to finish packing.”

She was returning from the bathroom with a bag of travel-sized toiletries when she saw Graham had come into their bedroom and closed the door behind him.

He looked as pale as she had ever seen him, paler than the terrible day in the hospital when his heart had stopped, and she had been evicted from his room as hospital staff revived him. His blue eyes were almost startling against his white skin, and his forehead was dotted with sweat. He leaned against the door, as if he was afraid his knees might buckle without support.

For the first time since his diagnosis, she felt no trace of sympathy and no surge of love. She only felt anger, cold and deadly.

He didn’t quite meet her eyes. “I don’t even know where to start.”

She was shaking with emotion, but she managed to hold her head high. “How about this? You slept with Marina and she got pregnant. And you decided to keep that little tidbit to yourself.”

She went to the closet, took down her largest purse and slipped the bag of toiletries inside it. When he didn’t answer she took a deep breath to steady herself before she turned.

“How many times did you sleep with her, Graham, or have you become such a practiced liar you’ll lie about that, too?”

“Once, Lilia. Just once, I swear. The night you and I fought about having a baby.”

“As a kid you probably got everything you asked for. I guess having somebody say no to you didn’t compute.”

“There are no excuses or explanations good enough.”

“Just tell the truth then. All of it. And quickly, because I’m leaving in a few minutes.”

His speech was halting, as if he were dragging the words from a deep well. “I was an emotional disaster. I guess I can’t say ‘was.’ I still am. I saw a black hole instead of a future, and all I could think about that night was that I was going to die and leave nothing important behind. I was going to die and no part of me was going to live on. I latched on to the idea of having a baby as proof I’d been on this earth. Of course you knew better than to go along with me, but that night I couldn’t see how right you were. I went to a bar near a house I was renovating, and Marina was there. We’d gone there together a few times with others from the project. It was a place she liked.”

“What exactly was going on between you?”

“Nothing.” He paused, and then he shrugged. “I liked her. She liked me, but she knew I was married. She even came to a party here and met you. I guess there were a few harmless sparks. It never bothered me and maybe it was kind of nice to flirt a little. I knew nothing was going to happen.”

“And then it did.”

“If I say I wasn’t myself that night it’ll sound like I’m using cancer as an excuse to behave badly. But I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t thinking rationally. She invited me back to her place for a drink. I didn’t want to come home. I was too upset you were refusing to give me the one thing I thought I needed. I went.”

She was shaking; her voice was shaking. “Let me guess. Out of nowhere Marina seduced you. None of this was your fault. You went along for the ride because you were too sick to resist.”

“No. I didn’t try to stop what happened. I guess I knew right from the moment I followed her home how the night might end, but I also knew what was waiting for me in the months ahead. For that night I just wanted to be a man, not a man with cancer.”

“And birth control?”

“She had condoms. At the last minute I didn’t use one, and she didn’t insist.”

“You hoped she would get pregnant?”

“The chances seemed so small. I left it up to the universe.”

She was glad he was standing too far away to slap. “What a strange place to get religious. In bed. You think God wanted a baby to be born into those circumstances? First cancer made you do it, then God?”

“There are no words that even begin to cover how sorry I am or how stupid I was. I know how screwed up the whole thing is.”

“Did you think that she and that baby were just going to disappear? That a woman like Marina was just going to let this catastrophe go on and on and never tell anybody? Were you hoping you could have two happy families and one of them would never know? How stupid could you be?”

“I haven’t thought about anything else. Not since Marina told me she was pregnant. I knew I had to tell you. I knew I had to fix this somehow so I could keep you and Toby in my life, but I couldn’t find a way.”

“You’ve had almost a year to come up with one, haven’t you?” She waited a moment until she had swallowed angry tears. “And in none of that time could you think of any way to tell me what you had done?”

“How could I? I was terrified you would leave. And not because I needed your help. Because I need you. I love you.”

“But the moment I refused to give you what you wanted, you found another woman who would.”

“Please, don’t leave, Lilia. I know it’s asking too much, but please, don’t leave me. From the moment I walked out of Marina’s apartment I’ve wanted to beg you to forgive me. I just couldn’t find a way to say it. Because I was afraid of this, afraid you’d go.”

“Here’s a tip. You can find a nanny in the yellow pages. Or a day care center.”

“I don’t want a nanny. I want you.”

She met his eyes. “I’m going home, Graham. That’s another thing I gave up for you this year. My family. Now I’m going to see them.”

“Please come back.”

“You’ve said what you came to say. I’ve listened, which is all I said I would do. Is there anything else you haven’t told me?”

He didn’t answer.

She hadn’t really believed things might get worse, but now she realized that something else was coming. “What about Toby? You don’t know anything about babies. Are you going to ask Marina to take him back? Maybe she just wanted you to acknowledge him.”