Emilie Richards - The Swallow's Nest

Marina squinted through sleep-fogged eyes. From photos, she knew she resembled Deedee when she, too, had been thirty. It was a sobering thought. Now her mother was fifty-one. By the time Marina was that age would she resemble the woman standing before her? Deedee made no effort to eat well or exercise. She was overweight, with sagging breasts and a roll of fat that bulged over the elastic waistband of a broomstick skirt. Her shaggy hair was haphazardly dyed an improbable shade of gold, and her graying roots were inches long.

“I didn’t ask you to buy a thing,” Marina said. “I wish you would stop buying things I don’t need and then asking me to pay for them.”

“I’m trying to help. I can’t afford to do much on my own. I’m barely getting the hours at Frankie’s that I need to make ends meet. And your brothers—”

Marina made a chopping motion with her hand. “I don’t want to hear about my brothers.” Both Jerry and Pete, twenty-five and nineteen respectively, still lived at home and never helped Deedee with rent or food.

Her mother lifted her chin proudly. “Well, aren’t you snippy today.”

“Yeah, well, try not getting any sleep for months.”

“I had babies, too, you know.”

“Yeah, you did, and I raised two of them for you.” Marina didn’t sigh as much as force air from her lungs. “Look, I have half a beer I just opened. It’s yours.”

“One of those bombers you like so much?”

“There’s plenty left.”

Deedee followed Marina into the kitchen and watched as she took a go-cup from a cupboard. “So who’s got Toby?”

“His father.” Marina poured the beer and handed it to her mother. Most likely by now it was almost flat, but Deedee wouldn’t balk.

“What? His father’s in the picture all of a sudden? Like that?” Deedee flicked a glittery fake nail against the plastic cup for emphasis.

Marina watched her mother take two long swallows. “Isn’t it about time?”

“What about that wife of his?”

“We can definitely say she’s in the picture, too.” Marina had a sudden flash of Lilia’s expression as she handed the baby to her. She had expected to feel victory followed by the sweet aftermath of revenge. But she had felt neither. Lilia Swallow had never done anything to her except marry the man Marina had wanted for her own, and married him long before Marina even met him. At the one party Marina had been invited to at Graham’s house, Lilia had been a thoughtful hostess. She’d even made a point of introducing Marina to Graham’s best friend, Carrick Donnelly, then backing away, as if she hoped sparks might ignite.

“They’ll give him back, won’t they?” Deedee didn’t wait for an answer before she finished what was left in the cup.

“Deedee, I don’t want him back.” Marina pushed away from the counter. “I never wanted to be a mother. Don’t you think I had enough mothering with Jerry and Pete? You remember who took care of them when you were working and in the wee morning hours when you were off having fun? I gave Petey more bottles than you ever did, and I rode herd on Jerry until he got bigger than me. You think any of that made me want to be a mother again?”

“You were their big sister. I was their mother. You were helping out. Helping is good for kids.”

“It was not good for me. I didn’t have a childhood. I had children. Your children.”

Deedee was angry now. She banged the go-cup on the counter. “Family is important!”

“Yeah, right. You mean like the father you told me was mine, only it turned out he wasn’t? Is that your idea of family?”

“He wasn’t much of a father. You hardly noticed when he disappeared.”

“Right. Maybe I hardly ever saw him, but at least I had a name and a face when I needed them. Until the state went after him for child support and he demanded a paternity test.”

“I told you then, I’ll tell you now. I thought he was your father. I never lied. I thought he was the one.”

“Uh-huh. And by the time you found out you were wrong, you couldn’t remember who else might have been in the running.”

Deedee ignored that. “I was mother and father to you. To all of you.”

“You were gone most of the time. I had no mother, and the boys had me, which was probably worse.”

“You can’t really mean you don’t want your own baby.”

“I do mean it. I left Toby—” she couldn’t admit she’d left the baby with Graham’s bewildered wife “—with Graham, and I walked away. I couldn’t do this another minute. This morning I—” She stopped.

“You what, Rina Ray?”

Marina hated to remember that moment. “I came so close to shaking him. I just wanted him to stop screaming. I was this close.” Her thumb and forefinger were nearly touching. “I took him to the doctor instead. Again. I begged her to help me figure out what was wrong, and she said I just had to tough it out, that things would get better soon. Only she’s been saying that and saying that. It didn’t get better and it won’t.”

“You just have that post-pardon depression thing, like Brooke Shields. I’ve read about it. It’ll go away, you watch.”

“Don’t you get it? I don’t care what it’s called. Postpartum depression or just good sense. I just know now it’s Graham’s turn to listen to him cry and not know what to do. And if by some miracle he does know, or that wife of his knows, more power to them.”

“I can’t believe it. You gave him away? Just like that?”

Marina pushed her short blond hair off her face, raking her fingers through it until undoubtedly it stood on end. “I did. And before you showed up I was finally getting some sleep.”

“Where’s your heart?”

“Protected. Right here.” Marina put a fist to her chest.

“You’ve always been a cold fish.”

Marina knew if she was a fish at all, she was just a fish afraid of getting hooked. She certainly hadn’t been cold the night Toby was conceived. She had acted on impulse when Graham came to this apartment, supposedly for a drink, and they ended up in bed, instead. For once in her adult life she had allowed her imagination to take control. Graham had confessed that he and his wife were deadlocked over having children. He wanted one right away, and Lilia didn’t.

Of course he hadn’t explained that any woman would be hesitant to conceive a baby with a man who might not be alive for its birth. He hadn’t explained there was a cancer diagnosis and lethal chemotherapy he would have to undergo very soon. He’d presented her with a different picture: Lilia, as a selfish career-driven woman who was the wrong wife for a man who wanted a family and a supportive helpmate.

Blinded by hope and a foolish infatuation that she had nurtured since the day she’d introduced herself to Graham Randolph, Marina had imagined she was the right woman. As if in silent agreement that night he hadn’t used a condom, and God help her, she hadn’t asked him to.

She pulled herself back to the conversation. “I’m not cold. I’m just determined. I don’t want your life, Deedee. And that’s where I was headed.”

“You think you need to insult me to make yourself feel better?”

“Not really. I think you got what you wanted. And I plan to do the same.”

“What am I going to tell your brothers? They love that baby.”

“Oh, please! Neither of them loves anybody. Try telling them the truth, that I’m not going to settle for a small slice of life. I want the whole pie. They won’t understand, but tell them anyway.”

“I’m ashamed of you. My own little girl.”

“Look, keep the clothes, and don’t buy anything else. I’ll give you some money.”

“Keep your money. The way you didn’t keep your own flesh and blood.” Deedee turned and stomped out the door. Marina wasn’t impressed. Her mother never stayed angry for long. Without Toby to care for, Marina would be more available whenever Deedee needed her. Everything else would fade. Before long she would tell her friends her daughter had acted heroically to give her son the best possible life.