Laurie Graham - Mr Starlight

Dilys said, ‘Don’t worry, Cled. Perhaps it won’t come to it. America might not want him.’

But when Sel set his heart on something he always got it. Like that painting by numbers kit he pestered Mam for when he was nine. Like that old clock covered with cherubs he outbid everybody for at a big auction. Ugly bloody thing, supposed to have belonged to some French nob and he paid thousands for it.

So he went off on one of his jaunts to London and came home with a pair of patent leather boots and a promise of work through the Ted Sibley Agency, Representation for International Artistes.

Uncle Teilo had popped round to put a new flex on Mam’s iron and we were all sitting having tea when Sel walked in. ‘I’ve done it!’ he said. ‘Ted Sibley signed me on the spot. He had to admit it wasn’t every day an act like me walked through his door.’

I said, ‘When are you leaving?’

‘When the right opportunity opens up,’ he said. ‘See, Cled, you don’t just leap at the first thing you’re offered. You have to know where you want to get to, and then you have to have a plan and everything you do has to fit in with it. It’s no use jumping on a bus going to Walsall and then complaining it never took you to Kidderminster.’

I said, ‘Thanks for the tip, big shot. So what’s it to be? Broadway? Hollywood?’

‘The top,’ he said. ‘That’s the only destination that interests me.’

‘That’s the ticket, Selwyn!’ Mam said. ‘I always knew you’d go far.’ She didn’t show any signs of being grief-stricken.

Uncle Teilo said, ‘Some tin hut in Africa, that’s where he’ll end up. Concert parties in Umbongo Land. Ted Sibley! After all I’ve done for you. You could be playing the Aston Hippodrome in a year or two if you stick with me.’

‘No, Teilo,’ Mam said. ‘He has to move on, same as I did from Pentrefoelas. People who’ve got any gumption always do. You’re never appreciated in your own backyard.’

I said, ‘Well, I’ll be staying on your books, Teilo. As a matter of fact I’ve got a few ideas of my own. I might look around for a bass player and a drummer. Maybe a little vocalist too. A nice little songstress who’s easy on the eye. The Cled Boff Combo. We’ll be playing some of my own material.’

‘Oh yes?’ he said.

A bit of enthusiasm would have been nice.

Dilys didn’t like the sound of Sel’s plans. She said, ‘Who is this Ted Sibley anyway? Sel’s too young and trusting to sign papers for going overseas.’

Of course, Sel always brought out the protective side in women. They always worried about him and ruffled his hair and cut his toast into soldiers. I put a lot of it down to his dimples.

She said, ‘Will you go with him, Cled? Make sure he doesn’t get double crossed?’

I said, ‘I’m not giving up my prospects to play nursemaid to him.’

Mam said, ‘You don’t have any prospects.’

Sel said, ‘I’ll be all right, Dilys. I’m twenty-one. I’ve got my wits about me. And I’ve got talent. All I have to do now is share the good news with the rest of the world, specially those Americans. They’re going to wonder what hit them.’

I watched Mam’s face. ‘And there’s the difference’, she said to Uncle Teilo, ‘between an artiste who starts on the clubs and an artiste who stays on the clubs.’

Dilys said, ‘Well, I still think Cled should go with him.’

‘Cled won’t go anywhere,’ Mam said. ‘He’s a stay-at-home.’

Sel said, ‘Look, if you want to try your luck too, Cled, I’ve no objections. Go and see Ted Sibley. If you’ve got what it takes he’ll sign you, if you haven’t he won’t. And you’re well thought of at Greely’s. Let’s face it, stardom isn’t for everybody. But whatever you do, don’t any of you worry about me. I’m on my way and I don’t need a babysitter.’

He was so full of himself and all he had was a pack of promises, not a single paying engagement in the book. I was the one getting enquiries from Wednesbury Oddfellows and the Sluice and Penstock Social. I thought, ‘I’ll show the ruddy lot of you.’

I took a day’s holiday and went down to London to see this Ted Sibley. It caused quite a flutter in the Trimming Shop. I had to promise to send them a picture postcard, even though I was only gone for the day. Sel insisted on coming with me.

I said, ‘You’re the one supposed to need nannying.’ I’d been to London before. I’d been through on a troop train. I said, ‘Got you worried, have I? Think Ted Sibley might recognise who’s the real musician in the family?’

‘Ah, come on, Cled,’ he said. ‘Don’t be like that. Don’t let’s fall out. We’ve both got something to offer. You’re a good steady instrumentalist. I’ve got that added vital ingredient.’

We went to a cafeteria and he put away two eggs on toast and a pot of tea. I couldn’t manage a thing; I was so churned up with nerves. I’d never had to audition for strangers very much, with Uncle Teilo having so much pull.

Sel said, ‘Here’s my advice. Forget you’re trying out for Ted Sibley. Pretend you’re at home. Enjoy yourself. Pretend you’re playing for Dilys and Arthur. And look at it this way, if it doesn’t pan out, at least you’re a skilled car seat finisher. You’ll never starve.’

I played ‘Lazy Bones’ and ‘Nice Work’. It was a good piano, but I wasn’t up to my usual mark. Ted Sibley had the habit of narrowing his eyes while he was listening, giving the impression he was in pain, or falling asleep.

I said, ‘I’m better with an audience.’

‘You should be so lucky,’ he said. Then he threw me a play list and told me to show him what I could do on trumpet. That was when I hit my stride. I gave him ‘Blue Orchids’ and ‘Night and Day’ and my own arrangement of ‘Little Brown Jug’, mood perfect, note perfect, even though I was in a bit of a haze. I think it had been caused by a beverage called a Rusty Nail, bought me by Sel to help settle my stomach. Anyway, Sibley stubbed out his cigarette and said, ‘Yeah, you’ll do. I’ll put you on my books. You understand what’s involved? You’ll have to have a medical. You have to be willing to travel. You single, Cled? No encumbrances?’

I was between romances as it happened. I said, ‘Is that it, then? When do I start?’

‘As soon as I need a trumpeter,’ he said. ‘Are there any more of you at home? Any other Boff talent I should know about? No chorus girls? Sax players?’

Ted Sibley did a lot of business with the shipping lines and he was looking for a tenor sax for a sailing to Ceylon and some high-kickers for a variety show going to South Africa. There was no telling where an international entertainer could end up. ‘And Sel,’ he said, ‘I’m still waiting for a photo of you in a normal suit. Single vent, no spangles, remember? I can’t sell you as a supporting vocalist if you look like something off a flying trapeze.’

‘I’ll get it done tomorrow, Ted,’ he said, and then he winked at me. ‘I’ll wear something from Hepworth’s Mr Normal Collection and just let my natural incandescence shine through.’

He didn’t appear to notice he’d had a ticking off. He’d received so little criticism in life I’m not sure he always recognised it when he heard it. And it never crossed his mind that things might not go his way. All he could see was that house with the swimming pool waiting for him at the end of the rainbow.

We went back to the cafeteria and I had my first breakfast of the day and Sel had his second.

I said, ‘I’ll have to give Greely’s a week’s notice.’

‘Yeah?’ he said.

I said, ‘Renée used to say I didn’t have enough get-up-and-go. I’ve a good mind to go round to the Midland Red depot tonight and see what she’s got to say for herself now.’