Claudia Carroll - Love Me Or Leave Me

Not that age even mattered, Dawn had spent at least six months before the wedding trying to convince just about everyone she knew. Like Kirk said, your age was just your number! Besides, when you knew, you just knew. And this was for life. She knew. Just knew.

‘It’s all just too much, too soon!’ her Mum had wailed, when Dawn broke the news that she was committed. (Kirk didn’t believe in the word ‘engaged’; too many negative connotations.)

‘And what in God’s name, I’d like to know, are the pair of you going to live off?’ she’d added crisply. ‘His earnings as a yoga instructor? The land? Good luck with that, my girl!’

Implication heard and understood loud and clear. You’re only twenty-two years of age, missy, and you haven’t the first clue about either life or love. Wait and see, you’ll come running back quick enough just as soon as you start missing all the cushiness of home and having an M&S within a two-mile radius of the house. And when you realize that modern conveniences like electricity, heating and Sky Atlantic can’t be paid for by offering to send free Reiki and homemade yeast-free cookies into the ESB head office.

A far greater disappointment though, had been Eva, who hadn’t exactly been leading conga lines around tables either, when she was first told the Big News.

‘Oh honey,’ she’d said worriedly, ‘I know you’ve always bought into that whole mind, body, spirit thing, but …’

Dawn braced herself, instinctively sensing what was coming next.

‘But the thing is, I really have to speak my mind here or forever hold my peace. And the truth is that you’re rushing headlong into this. For God’s sake, you and Kirk only met a few months ago, this is complete insanity! So there now, I said it. It’s out there.’

‘Totally untrue, not to mention unfair!’ Dawn retorted defensively. ‘Besides, Kirk always says no one can measure the depths of love just in units of time …’

‘Yeah, right,’ Eva had muttered under her breath, as she sipped at her Pinot Grigio and angrily nibbled the bar nuts in front of her, tight-lipped. ‘I’ll bet he does.’

Instinctively, Dawn had gone to diffuse the tension by hopping down off the stool she was perched on and giving Eva a spontaneous, tight bear hug.

‘Ah here,’ said Eva, impatiently shoving her away, ‘what’s with you suddenly hugging people for absolutely no reason? You nearly made me spill red wine all over my good suit!’

‘Just dispelling the negative energy between us,’ Dawn smiled, ‘that’s all.’

‘You never used to be like this,’ Eva said tersely, with her chin jutted out like she was gumming for a good, air-clearing row.

‘Like what?’

‘Like … well, you know.’

‘No,’ said Dawn, genuinely puzzled. ‘No, I don’t know.’

‘Alright then, you never used to behave like the way you’re carrying on these days. Like such a bloody flake-head.’

‘What did you just say?’

‘Come on, Dawn, surely you must see that guy has totally changed you! You used to be … normal. You know, fun to hang around with. But now all you want to do is sit around talking about what a fabulous soul Kirk is, or else telling me that my chakras are all out of alignment. And now you want to throw your whole life away before it’s barely even started, with someone you barely even know? For God’s sake, it’s almost a bit like Kirk and that shower of nutters he’s related to have sucked you into some kind of religious cult! You’ll be shaving your head, wearing orange robes and dancing up and down Grafton Street next, you mark my words.’

Love and forgive, Dawn had to work very hard at remembering, biting back the instinct to defend the man she’d once adored so much. She and Eva had always been close, in spite of a five-year age gap, even more so since their Dad had passed away years ago, when they were just kids. Eva had always been the perfect older sister, always watching out for her, always being there for her, no matter what. A thumbs up from her meant the world to Dawn.

And yet here it was, the single biggest thing ever to happen in Dawn’s life and now all Eva could do was shake her head, wag her finger and tell her she was off her head insane. Hard to sit there and take it and pretend that it didn’t bloody well sting. Even if looking back now, all her dire predictions had all proved one hundred per cent on the money.

Still though, in spite of all the many, many objections from far, far too many people to list, the whole wedding really had been magical from start to finish. At least, so Dawn had thought at the time.

After the initial blessing ceremony, everyone sat in a ‘circle of harmony’, as the High Shaman referred to it, and an Apache tribal poem was read out, to much sniggering from Sheila and Amy, Dawn’s pals from the health food store where she worked. The pair of them kept nudging each other and loudly asking when someone would start playing a bit of Beyoncé, same as at any normal wedding. And whether or not there was a minibar anywhere close by?

‘Try the elderberry wine,’ Dawn had smiled encouragingly over at them. ‘Exact same effect, far less of a hangover!’

‘And for God’s sake,’ she remembered her mother audibly hissing, ‘why do we all have to sit cross-legged and barefoot on the floor for this nonsense, anyway? My outfit is getting completely ruined!’

‘Mine and all,’ grumbled her Mum’s best friend Maisie, who they’d had to invite too. ‘And when I think of all the trouble the pair of us went to, just to find shoes to match our outfits! Then they make you leave them at the door? Ridiculous carry on.’

‘Just chill out and try to enjoy it all,’ Dawn had told them both soothingly. ‘Here, try some organic papaya tea, you’ll like it.’

‘I’d give anything for a normal cup of tea, but I’ll pass on that green stuff thanks,’ her mother sniffed. ‘I’m not a huge fan of dishwater, as it happens.’

Dawn wisely chose to let it go. Yet another life lesson she’d been conquering, thanks to how masterful a guide Kirk was. And God knows, she’d certainly had plenty of practice of banishing all negativity to the ether where it belonged, in the run up to that wedding.

But however bad things got for her – and they only went from bad to worse – Kirk had always been there for her.

‘Remember it’s only because your mother loves you so much,’ he’d gently remind Dawn. ‘You’re her youngest child and she’s like a mother tiger protecting and defending you. Besides, in time, she’ll see that we’re doing the right thing. After all, there’s nothing wrong with meeting your soulmate young, now is there?’

Kirk’s family, at least had been a little more on board about the whole thing, but then the Lennox-Coyninghams could be accused of being many things, but erring on the conservative side when it came to marriage would hardly be one of them. Kirk’s Dad, Dessie, who went around in Jesus sandals and flowing kaftans even in the depths of winter, was already on his fifth ‘life partner’, and had fathered no fewer than eleven children.

An eccentric family, the Lennox-Coyninghams, to put it mildly.

At the wedding, Dawn remembered the part she’d looked forward to most, when the High Shaman brought an end to all the bonding rituals and finally said Kirk ‘could now kiss his beautiful bride and life partner’. To this day, she could still vividly remember him leaning down to her, brushing her waist-length hair away from her face, then really going for it. Tongues, feeling her boobs, the whole works. Not even caring that a whole roomful of guests were staring right at them, most of them clapping and cheering happily. Most of them.

Jesus, Dawn thought, pulling his beautiful body in tightly to her, would tonight ever come and would it ever be just the two of them finally alone? Just for one moment, she wished she could fast-forward through the rest of the whole day and cut straight to the wedding night. And from the sexy way Kirk’s tongue was teasing hers, he seemed to be on exactly the same wavelength as her too. Wasn’t he always? Back then, at least.