Terry Murphy - Life in Rewind

Tom would show up at practice whenever he was in town, but Ed’s dad was always too busy working to come to his games. Ed says he never pressured him about it because he figured work was something his dad did to bury the feelings he had for his mother. In the back of his mind, though, Ed always knew that if his mother were alive she would have been sitting in the grandstands at every game, supporting him even on days when he did nothing more than warm the bench. It was the ‘what might have been’ that was a constant source of heartache and sadness in Ed’s life. On his final game in his last year in high school, Bob did finally show up with Tom to watch him play-but there was another heart-breaking turn of events. Ed was sidelined for the entire game. His dad never got to see him play.

When he wasn’t out with his buddies, Ed found solace in the soft glow of his television set in the basement. It was the VCR, however, that changed his experience in a whole new way as he watched his favourite television shows and movies over and over again, hitting the rewind button as often as he chose, dissecting and analysing the actions and reactions of his favourite scenes and characters. If he watched a tape and caught someone saying the word ‘death’-what Ed calls the ‘d-word’-he would rewind it so they would repeat it an even numbers of times, because if something was said an even number of times it was like ‘an eraser to a chalkboard’-it simply disappeared. If he saw something he didn’t like, he would fast forward past the scene to ‘wash it out’. He says he would always time it perfectly, because he could ‘feel’ it, before hitting play again.

Rewinding gave Ed complete control of time within his movie and television world, and gradually, between 1992 and 1995, he would shift this power from a process with videotape to a mental and physical process-a process that would consume him completely.

For the next few years Ed continued to suppress the painful secret of his mother’s last moments, but as he watched his heroes on television he made a conscious decision that he would live his life like a movie. He would become a hero, too. The idea that someone would be willing to lay down his life for another human being resonated deeply within him. As a child he hadn’t been able to save his mother, but as a man he would find a way to save the rest of the people he loved.

I dreamt my dreams forwards and backwards-Ed Zine

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