Alex Parsons - The Lost Diary of Queen Victoria’s Undermaid

HarperCollins Children's Books

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by Collins in 1998

Text copyright © Alexandra Parsons 1998

Illustrations copyright © George Hollingworth 1998

Alex Parsons asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of the work.

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Source ISBN: 9780006945819

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008191443

Version: 2016-05-18

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Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Message to Readers

January 1st, 1837: Snobby Manor, Snootyshire

Spring 1837: Buckingham Palace

Summer 1837: Buckingham Palace

28th June, 1838: Buckingham Palace

Winter 1838: Buckingham Palace

January 1839: Buckingham Palace

March 1839: Buckingham Palace

Spring 1839: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1839: Buckingham Palace

January 1840: Buckingham Palace

February 10th, 1840: Buckingham Palace

10 June, 1840: Buckingham Palace

November 1840

December 1840

July 1841: Buckingham Palace

August 1841: Windsor Castle

January 1842: Buckingham Palace

December 1842: Windsor Castle

January 1843: Buckingham Palace

May 1843

Summer 1845

Autumn 1845

Winter 1845

Summer 1846: Osborne House

Autumn 1846: Buckingham Palace

June 1847: Osborne House

31st July, 1847

Spring 1848: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1848: Balmoral

Autumn 1849: Balmoral

Spring 1854: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1851

Spring 1852

February 1853

Spring 1853

28th March, 1854

Summer 1855

Autumn 1856

Autumn 1851

Spring 1855

Spring 1857

25 June, 1857

February 1858

Summer 1858

Spring 1861

December 1861

February 1862

Autumn 1862

Spring 1863

Spring 1864

Spring 1865

Summer 1865: Osborne House

Winter 1865: Buckingham Palace

1868

Winter 1869

Summer 1870

Spring 1872

Spring 1876

Summer 1876: Balmoral

Autumn 1877

Summer 1879: Balmoral

1879

1883

1884

1887

Spring 1888

Winter 1888

1889: Hampton Court

1897

January 22nd, 1901

Historical Note

Keep Reading

About the Publisher

The diaries of Mrs Flora Porter, née Flossie Ramsbotham, were found beneath the floorboards at Hampton Court Palace, during recent building works. The little notebooks were tied with pink ribbon and wrapped in a pair of red tartan knickerbockers. Whilst the knickerbockers were graciously received on behalf of the nation by the Victoria and Albert Museum, the diaries themselves met with nothing but scorn. The eminent historian, Professor Dullas Ditchwater (author of dozens of long and extremely dusty volumes about Queen Victoria) dismissed Flora’s diaries as ‘worthless gossip’ and ‘scandalous tittle-tattle’.

When Professor Ditchwater lobbed Flora’s diaries out of his window, they fell into the hands of Alex Parsons, a not-so-eminent or expert historian. She immediately realised that important issues were revealed in the diaries, namely that even Kings and Queens wear underpants, and someone has to wash them. Now, thanks to Ms Parsons’ timely catch, you too can view Queen Victoria’s life and times from the unique perspective of the wash tub.

THIS DIARY BELONGS TO:

‘Do not forget, gentle reader; servants are also human beings, ’ it says in this book of Household Management I dug out of Lady Snobby’s library. Oh yeah! That’ll come as news to Lady La-di-dah Bossy Boots. Since when do I have time to be a human being, I’d like to know? Sixteen hours a day up to my elbows in soap suds, and life not made easier with the wretched butler trying to kiss me. (I wouldn’t mind so much but he’s got a wart on the end of his nose with three wiry hairs sticking out of it, yeeuch!) Miserable wages, miserable household, and the Snobbies are unbearable. Flossie Ramsbotham, you were born for better things.

Since this is the day to make New Year’s resolutions here are mine:

That should do it, I reckon.

Made it! What can one say about my new boss, our esteemed monarch, William one-vee? Well, to put it kindly, our dear King looks about a hundred years old and his eyes stick out like a frog’s. He has zillions of children by an actress called Mrs Jordan and none at all by his wife, the rather dotty Queen Adelaide. Setting an example to the lower orders indeed!

The heir to the throne of England is his niece, Princess Victoria, who lives with her pushy mama in Kensington Palace. Princess Victoria is exactly the same age as me and she keeps a diary. I think this is an omen.

Meanwhile down at the palace laundry I get to wash the king’s drawers. They are not a pretty sight. He has three hundred pairs of fine linen underpants with holes in the front so he doesn’t have to take all his clothes off when he goes for a piddle. The Queen has the same number of roomy drawers, trimmed with pintucks and lace.

As everybody knows, ladies’ drawers are not stitched together, otherwise we’d have to rummage about in an unseemly way under layers of petticoats every time nature called.

The head laundry maid told me that pants were named after a Christian martyr called Saint Pantalone. I have to take an interest in these things or I’d go mad.

It’s been all go here. King William died on the 20th June, and now we have a new monarch. A mere slip of a girl (that’s a polite way of saying she’s short). She’s the same age as me but she’s ruling the country and I’m washing the sheets. There is no justice.