Alex Parsons - The Lost Diary of Queen Victoria’s Undermaid

Well, did I or did I not predict that QV had her eye on Prince Albert? He’d only been here five days when she started laughing too loudly, shaking her ringlets and generally going weak at the knees. He seems utterly taken with her, too (maybe she’s started brushing her teeth again). QV didn’t waste any time proposing to Albert, because that’s the way queens do things.

I mentioned this to Brian but he has not taken the hint.

I finished a little early in the laundry last night, and got roped in by the scullery maid to help her peel apples. They’ve got this absurd apple-peeler. You’re supposed to stick an apple in the bracket and turn the handle – so the blade follows the shape of the apple, occasionally gouging out pieces of skin. It would be quicker to peel them by hand, but they’re gadget mad in the kitchen and there’s no talking sense to them.

One day, someone will invent a machine for washing clothes, I just know it. But I am not holding my breath.

Nothing’s simple when you’re Queen. Not only did QV have to propose to Albert, instead of the other way round, she’s now busy trying to sort out his title and the amount of money he’s going to get. All very undignified, if you ask me.

I said to Brian, as I was scrubbing out the wash tubs: “Aren’t we fortunate in being so ordinary that if we wanted to get married we could just go ahead without having to worry about who’s got the grander title?”

Brian said: “You’ll have to scrub a bit harder if you want to finish them tubs before midnight.”

Will Brian turn out to be the romantic hero of my dreams ? Will Brian’s grammar improve? I am beginning to have doubts.

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