Paullina Simons: Red Leaves

‘I still do not know how this happened - you playing basketball.’

Shrugging, Kristina said, ‘How does anything happen? Divine providence. That school you sent me to. It was the only decent sports team they had.’

‘Oh, no,’ Howard said, rubbing his head. ‘Not philosophy again.’

Kristina, her mouth full of carrot cake, told him what the British philosopher Bertrand Russell said once of his lifetime pursuit. ‘As I grew up, I became increasingly interested in philosophy, of which my family profoundly disapproved. Every time the subject came up, they repeated with unfailing regularity, “What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.” After some fifty or sixty repetitions the remark ceased to amuse me.’

Steadying his gaze, almost smiling, Howard said, ‘Have I ceased to amuse you?’

‘Not yet, Howard,’ she said, smiling.

They both fell quiet.

‘Have time for your major?’

‘Two majors. Yeah, I got nothing but time,’ Kristina said. Unlike Jim, who was double-majoring because he was on track for a career and a life, Kristina was double-majoring because she was bored stiff, because she wanted to fill her wandering mind with other people’s meaningful thoughts, so that her own little by little would leave her, would fly and be gone, so that there was not one minute of the day when she had an idle mind or idle hands to do the devil’s handiwork.

‘How is Jim?’

‘Good. He’s the editor of the Dartmouth Review this year.’

‘Ahhh.’ Howard smiled lightly. ‘Does he give you good marks?’

‘No,’ she said, mock-petulantly. ‘He’s tougher on me than on anyone. He says the Review is too much hard work. He’s looking forward to graduating.’

‘What does he want to do after he graduates?’

‘Go to law school.’ She tried to keep the proud edge out of her voice, but failed. ‘He wants to be a Supreme Court Justice.’

Howard seemed utterly unimpressed. ‘That’s nice. What about you?’

‘Me? Grad school.’ That’s all Kristina had been thinking about lately. ‘What else is there to do?’

Howard smiled. ‘I do not know. Get a job?’

‘Howard, please. This is a liberal arts college. What do you think we’re qualified to do? All we are is good readers. We’re not bad on the Mac either, but that’s it.’

‘Eventually, you will have to get a job.’

She snorted. ‘Please. What for? And in what? With my majors, what am I good for?’

‘I do not know,’ Howard said slowly. ‘What do other philosophy and religion majors do?’

‘They teach, of course,’ Kristina responded happily. ‘They teach philosophy and religion.’

Howard smiled. Kristina smiled back. She was going to miss him.

Kristina sensed that Howard wanted to ask her something. His lips pursed and he took on the concentrated look he got whenever he was faced with difficult questions. There were so many difficult questions. Howard usually avoided them, but today he wrestled with himself. In the end, tact won. In the end tact always won. Kristina wanted to surprise Howard just once and answer his unspoken questions, but today there was no point. Grandmother was dead. Howard and she were now officially divorced. And tomorrow was her twenty-first birthday.

‘How is, what is his name… Albert?’

‘He’s fine,’ Kristina said quickly. ‘They’re all fine.’

‘What does he want to do when he graduates?’

‘I’m not sure.’ She shrugged, feigning indifference. ‘Says he wants to be a sportswriter.’

‘A sportswriter?’

‘Yeah, too bad he can’t write.’

‘I see.’

‘Or a fisherman.’ Kristina shook her head.

Howard asked slowly, ‘Can he fish?’

‘I think so,’ said Kristina, trying to sound jovial.

‘He went to an Ivy League school to be a fisherman?’

‘A very good fisherman,’ Kristina said, wanting to change the subject.

Howard was quiet. ‘Are you going to marry Jim?’

She smiled ruefully. ‘I don’t know if he wants to marry me.’

‘Of course he does.’

Kristina shook her head. ‘No. I don’t think so.’

Howard was watching her carefully.

‘You worry too much,’ said Kristina.

‘I worry about you,’ he answered.

‘Look at me,’ she said brightly. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Yes,’ he said, sounding unconvinced. He stood up. ‘Let’s go.’

‘I can’t spend the day with you, Howard,’ Kristina said apologetically.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘I am flying out tonight. I have not even booked my room at the Inn. There is a blizzard warning for tomorrow.’

‘What else is new?’ said Kristina.

Putting on his coat, he asked her, ‘Have you got any plans?’

‘For the blizzard? None.’

‘I meant for the holiday.’

‘I know what you meant,’ Kristina said. She smiled. ‘I think I might go down to Delaware with Jim.’ That wasn’t exactly true, but she hadn’t told Jim yet. She needed to stay in Hanover - the Big Green was playing UPenn at home on Saturday - but who the heck wanted to stay at Dartmouth for Thanksgiving? She just didn’t want Howard thinking she had no plans.

‘I thought you did not like going with Jim anymore.’

God, what a good memory he has! Kristina thought.

‘Well…’ she drew out. ‘I just don’t think his family likes me, that’s all.’

‘No?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t think they like my hair,’ she said. The last time I was there, they were… they couldn’t stop thinking, I could tell, they all wanted to ask me, they were just dying to ask me, just why oh why was a nice girl like me not spending Thanksgiving with her own family?

Kristina had asked Jim to prime them ahead of time on the status of her illustrious fallen-apart family. She knew that well-mannered Mrs Shaw was still dying to ask, dying to say something. Her unspoken questions lingered in the air until they got stale and rotten, and Kristina never went back with Jim after the sophomore year.

‘You should go with Jim. I am sure he would like you to.’

‘I’m sure he would,’ she said, wanting to explain how hard it was for her to spend Thanksgiving with Jim and his well-traveled, well-spoken parents enveloping her with a suffocating blanket of concern and affection.

Kristina contemplated going down to Cold Spring Harbor with Conni and Albert. But since the beginning of the year, Kristina and Conni had not been getting along. Tension between them was thick, and it hung in the air in the same unpleasant way Jim’s parents’ questions hung in the air.

When they became roommates in their freshman year, in Mass Row, sharing a two-room double with a bathroom and a sitting room, every night was poker or blackjack night, every night was a sleepless night, because they couldn’t stop talking. Kristina and Conni took some of the same prerequisite courses together, they ate at Thayer and Collis Café together, and went to the Hop to watch movies together. They studied together in the library, and her first Christmas at Dartmouth Kristina went with Conni to Cold Spring Harbor, where for three weeks she almost had a good time. Constance Sarah Tobias had a fine family. Conni’s older brother, Douglas, was a hoot, and her parents were distant enough not to bother Kristina.

Being together became a little tougher after the problem between Jim and Albert. Soon, though, things went back to normal. Or so Kristina thought. Normal was relentless studying and term papers, lectures and study halls, Sanborn and Baker and Feldberg libraries. Normal was baked ziti at Thayer and club sandwiches at Collis, and Hopkins Center movies and frat parties on Saturday night and Sunday-morning hangovers and two-on-twos. Kristina thought they were all getting along fine, but she hadn’t read Constance right.