Paullina Simons: Red Leaves

‘Howard.’ Kristina was amused. ‘Are you making a play on words?’

‘Why are you surprised by that? I do have a sense of humor,’ he said seriously.

‘I know you do, Howard,’ said Kristina, gently patting his arm from across the wooden table. ‘I know you do.’

‘You do have a cold, don’t you?’

‘Yes, yes I do.’ She didn’t really, but she knew it was important to Howard to show concern.

‘Where is your coat? You are wearing shorts?’

‘Forgot my coat.’ She shrugged as if it didn’t matter.

‘You still do it.’

‘Do what?’

‘Refuse to dress properly for wintertime.’

‘I find it invigorating.’

‘Viruses, they can be very invigorating. Strep throat. Pneumonia.’

‘Never had any of those things,’ Kristina said. He was nagging at her, playing mother, but it was all right. ‘Always been healthy as an ox.’

They waited to talk properly until after they ordered. Kristina wanted to order a salad with the delicious spicy mustard dressing, but it was her first meal of the day - the saltine crackers notwithstanding - and she didn’t want to be having mustard and vinegar for breakfast. She ordered carrot cake instead.

She tried to will herself to be less nervous. But she was wired. Last night she hadn’t had much sleep. And this beautiful morning, she had been up at seven. The bare-treed Vermont hills had sparkled in the sunlight, but now there was only anxiety as she thought about an upset Jim and the patient Howard - solid and polite, looking out at her from his black-rimmed glasses, with his gentle, unsmiling eyes.

‘How’ve you been?’ she asked, trying to calm down.

‘Good, Kristina, things are quite good. Busy.’

‘Well, busy is good,’ she said. He didn’t reply. ‘Isn’t it? Busy, it’s very good. You must be so… pleased… that you’re, you know, busy.’ She knew she was rambling. God! ‘Many interesting cases?’

He considered her for a moment. ‘How interesting can corporate law be? So let’s see these papers, Kristina.’

Kristina nervously took the manila envelope out of her backpack. Passing it to him, she said, ‘Everything looks okay.’

Howard paused before opening it. ‘Is everything okay? I am not so sure.’

Kristina chose to misunderstand him. ‘No, really. Everything is letter-perfect.’

With a glance through the documents, Howard laid them aside. ‘We never got a chance to speak about this. Has something happened?’

Something had happened. Kristina’s grandmother had died. But Howard didn’t know that. Nor would he.

‘I just think it’s for the best, that’s all,’ Kristina said, playing with her fork. She tasted the cream cheese icing of the carrot cake. It was good, but she just wasn’t hungry anymore.

‘Is it really for the best?’

‘Sure. Of course.’

‘Why? Why all of a sudden did you want a divorce?’

He was wearing a suit, and he looked so nice and familiar a pang of sadness hit her. She thought, does this mean I’m not going to see him again? I’m so used to knowing he’s there.

Shrugging, Kristina put down her fork. The coffee was cold, the cake was cheesy, and her stomach was empty. ‘It wasn’t all of a sudden. I thought it was time.’

‘Why?’

‘Howard, because I’m turning twenty-one, because I want to get on with my life. I mean, what if I want to marry someone?’ She paused. ‘What if you want to marry someone?’

‘Is there someone you want to marry, Kristina?’

‘Not yet. But who knows?’ She smiled. ‘Mr Right might be just around the corner.’

‘Hmm. I thought Jim was your Mr Right.’

Kristina coughed. ‘That’s what I meant. Jim.’ She was glad they were talking. Her hands calmed down. She wasn’t as hot anymore.

Howard leaned forward and, lowering his voice, which was already calm and low, asked, ‘Was this your idea?’

Kristina sat back from the table. They were sitting in the corner behind the stairs; the cellar was dimly lit and gloomy.

‘Howard, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘I asked if it was your idea.’

‘I know what you asked. I just don’t know what you mean.’

‘Kristina, it is a yes-or-no question.’

‘You think everything is a yes-or-no question,’ she said, on edge.

‘Pretty much everything is,’ he said easily. ‘Let us try it again. Kristina, was this your idea?’

She felt impelled to answer him. ‘Mine, like how?’

‘Yours, like did you think of this all by yourself, or did someone else suggest we go ahead and get divorced?’

Incapable of answering him, Kristina said, ‘Who else could possibly -’ and then stopped. Howard was looking at her squarely in the face, and since she knew exactly what he meant, she thought it pointless to pretend any further. So she lied. ‘Yes, Howard. It was my idea.’

Howard stared at her impassively, but there was something heartfelt behind the serious brown eyes.

‘Eat your cake,’ Howard finally said in a gentle voice.

‘Who cares about the cake?’ she said sourly.

‘I care about the divorce.’

Kristina sighed deeply. ‘Howard,’ she said, ‘I know. But believe me. Everything’s gonna be okay.’

‘Kristina, I find that impossible to believe.’

‘Why?’

‘Kristina, your father asked me to take care of you.’

‘He didn’t ask you, Howard, he told you.’

‘Wrong. We made a deal.’

‘Yes, and I think you’ve kept your end of the bargain. But one, I’m turning twenty-one tomorrow. And two, Father is dead now. It’s time, Howard.’

‘A deal is a deal. We didn’t stipulate age or his death in our agreement.’

‘Oh, Howard.’ Kristina sighed and then said quietly, ‘Give up.’

‘I cannot,’ he said.

‘Please don’t worry about me. Things are going to be just great, I promise.’ Kristina wanted to believe that.

He looked away from her and, nodding, said, ‘All of a sudden.’

‘Not all of a sudden! Five years. Come on. It’s better this way. I was nothing but a means to an end to you.’

Kristina saw hurt on his face. Her words must have made him feel terrible. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly. ‘You know what I mean. You’re a good person, you deserve better.’ She hoped she was saying the right things, but she was restless. She fidgeted with her napkin, then drummed her dirty fork against the wooden table. ‘Come on, you’ve gone above and beyond your deal to take care of me. And if you had these doubts, why didn’t you say something in September when I first told you I was filing?’

Now it was Howard’s turn to sigh. ‘You came to me and asked for an extra thousand dollars. I felt I had a right to know why you needed it. If you had had the money yourself, would you have even told me, or would I just have been contacted by your attorney?’

‘Howard. I don’t have an attorney. I hired some shyster for a thousand non-contested bucks. He didn’t even know how much the court fees were. First he said a hundred, then three hundred. I mean, the whole thing - that’s why I wanted you to look everything over.’

‘Nothing I can do about it now,’ said Howard, pushing the manila envelope aside. He cleared his throat. ‘It is very important to me that you are all right. That you are safe,’ he said.

‘Howard, I’m all right, I’m safe.’ Smiling, Kristina added, ‘The only time I’m not safe is when the other team tries to foul me on the court.’

‘How often does that happen?’

‘All the time.’

‘Still love playing?’

‘Kidding me? It’s what keeps me going. I scored record points in our exhibition game against Cornell last week.’ She grinned proudly.