Kimberley Chambers - The Schemer

‘What do you mean?’ Marlene asked.

‘Money! How much money do you need, Mum? I ain’t got a lot, but I suppose I can get hold of it for you somehow.’

‘I don’t need no money, Barry. And even if I did, I wouldn’t ask you for it, would I? You’re my favourite son, you are.’

About to remind his mum that he was her only son, Barry decided not to bother. The only other reason in the world she could be being nice to him was that she was drunk, so he decided to humour her instead. ‘Nice to hear from you, Mum. I’ve gotta go now as I’m taking me girlfriend out and I’m running a bit late.’

‘But you don’t even know why I’m ringing you yet. What happened at your father’s trial? Did they bang him up?’ Marlene asked, hoping they had.

‘No. The trial ain’t finished yet. Look, what exactly do you want, Mum?’ Barry asked, his patience wearing thin.

‘Me and Jake are flying home tomorrow. Got a big surprise for you, boy, we have,’ Marlene cackled.

‘Don’t tell me, you’re getting married,’ Barry replied, wearily.

‘Nope. It’s better than that. Gonna have to go now, got no more change on me. See you tomorrow afternoon. Love you.’

Barry put the phone down and stared at it in shock. His mum had been nice, too nice, and that worried him greatly. Convincing himself that Marlene was either pregnant or had had a personality transplant, Barry smiled at his own humour and dashed upstairs to have a bath. He couldn’t wait to see Steph and, as soon as his mum arrived home, he would tell her his own big secret as well. He was in love with the girl across the road, and if his mother didn’t like it, she would have to bloody well lump it.

Stephanie and Tammy giggled excitedly as they sat on the top deck of the 174 bus that took them to Romford. They had had a great morning mooching around the Dagenham Sunday Market and had both treated themselves to the latest number one record, Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’.

‘I can’t wait till we get posh jobs up London. We’ll be uptown girls then, won’t we?’ Stephanie said, staring at the cover of the seven-inch vinyl.

Tammy lit up two cigarettes and handed one to her pal. ‘I dunno if I wanna get a job in an office up town now. My sister’s new boyfriend is a policeman and he’s been telling me loads about his job. It sounds dead exciting, so I think I might be a copper.’

Stephanie burst out laughing. ‘You are joking, ain’t ya?’

Tammy shook her head. ‘Nah, I ain’t. I think I might get bored being stuck in an office or bank from nine till five. Being a copper must be brill.’

‘Well, don’t be saying you wanna be a copper when we get to Pizza Hut, will you? Jacko’s a member of that West Ham football hooligan gang and my Barry is an illegal fly pitcher,’ Steph reminded her.

Seeing the funny side of her career choice, Tammy giggled. ‘So, have you done anything with Barry yet or what?’

‘No, nothing much.’

‘What’s nothing much mean? Have you let him tit you up or finger you yet? You ain’t wanked him off, have you?’ Tammy asked, excitedly.

‘Ssh,’ Steph replied, as she noticed a lady turn around from the seat in front and give them both a filthy look. She had let Barry fondle her breasts and put his hand inside her knickers, but she wasn’t about to discuss that on the 174 bus.

‘Tell me then?’ Tammy whispered, impatiently.

‘No, not on here. Tell me about you and Jacko. You seemed ever so cosy the other night. Do you like him, Tam?’

‘Yeah, but only as a mate. I ain’t Jacko’s type, Steph, and even if I were I wouldn’t want your bleedin’ sister’s leftovers. We do get on well though. He’s more of a laugh and so much nicer than I ever thought he would be. I used to think he was so up his own arse, but he ain’t when you really get to know him, is he?’

Stephanie nodded in agreement.

‘So, when you gonna shag Barry then?’ Tammy asked, in her usual none-too-quiet voice.

The woman who had looked around earlier stood up and glared at the girls. ‘Charming!’ she mumbled, as she moved seats.

Unable to stop themselves, both Stephanie and Tammy burst out laughing.

Pam had been not only surprised, but also delighted by how nice Angela’s boyfriend was. She had been extremely reluctant to welcome Jason O’Brien into her home, as she felt Angie was too young to be having boyfriends, but Jason seemed rather shy, sweet, yet charming at the same time.

‘So what does your mum do on a Sunday, Jason? Does she cook a roast as well?’ Pam asked, trying to find out if the boy came from a decent home.

‘Yes, Mrs Crouch. My mum and dad are both very religious. They go to mass every Sunday morning, but Mum always puts the meat on before they leave, so we all have a nice roast dinner when she gets home.’

Pam glanced at Cathy as if to mentally say: please don’t swear. Linda was out on the lash again, all of them spoke like navvies at times, and now Angela – of all people – had brought home a boy who came from a godly family. ‘So, what church do your parents attend, love?’ Pam asked.

‘My family are Irish Catholics. They go to St Peter’s Church, near the Chequers.’

Pam was Church of England, but knew very little about her religion – or anyone else’s, for that matter. ‘Would you like some dessert now, Jason? I’ve got homemade apple crumble, or there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer, if you’d prefer that?’

‘You’re not still hungry, are you Jase?’ Angela said, kicking her boyfriend under the table.

‘No thank you, Mrs Crouch. I’m really full up,’ Jason replied, politely.

‘Can we please go upstairs and play some records now, Mum?’ Angela asked, in her innocent, childlike voice.

Pam thought carefully before answering. She refused to let Stephanie and Barry sit in the bedroom together because she found it inappropriate. It was different with Angie though. She had not long turned thirteen, and seeing as her boyfriend came from a church-going family, she really couldn’t see the harm in it. ‘You can, but don’t you dare tell your sister, as I don’t want her sitting upstairs with that Barry,’ Pam replied.

‘Come on, Jase,’ Angela said, grabbing her boyfriend by the hand.

‘And make sure you behave yourselves. I shall be checking up on you regularly, you know,’ Pam shouted out, as her daughter bolted up the stairs with Jason in tow.

Angela pushed Jason against the landing wall, snogged him passionately and smirked. ‘We’ll be on our best behaviour, I can promise you that, Mum.’

Wayne Jackman stared wistfully at Stephanie and Barry as they walked up to the salad bar laughing and joking. He wasn’t jealous of their happiness. He was just annoyed with himself for not taking Steph up on her offer when she had asked him out in the first place.

‘You OK, Jacko? Shall I order us all another drink?’ Tammy asked. They’d been ordering glasses of Coke and sneakily pouring the vodka in from a bottle Barry had bought to the restaurant with him.

‘Yeah, order some more up, girl,’ Wayne replied, chirpily. He liked Tammy, thought she was great fun, but she was no ravishing beauty and he certainly didn’t fancy her. Steph was the looker of the two. She had intelligence and an aura about her, and Wayne could kick himself for choosing her stupid sister over Steph. He must have been mad and blind, but it was too late to do anything about it now. When Barry and Steph returned to the table, Wayne smiled at them. ‘Get the vodka out, Bazza.’

Making sure none of the waitresses were looking, Barry poured a generous amount in all four of their glasses, then screwed the lid back on the bottle. He lifted his glass aloft, ‘To a top geezer who I owe my life to. Happy birthday, Jacko.’