Vivacia Ahwen: Reaching Lily

But I saw him.

He saw me.

That happened.

Maybe that would be enough.

Godammit. Where was he?

Adonis Trainman was lost in the crowd, despite his notable height and despicable beauty. Gwen and I half stumbled, half fell out of the train into the day’s next moment.

They are only moments, after all, and that one was mine. I already looked forward to remembering Adonis, whoever he was.

‘Wait for him,’ commanded Gwen, her voice high with excitement. ‘He’ll be out in a second. This is going to happen. Lily! This is going to happen , do you hear me?’

She jumped in a circle, while I nodded dumbly and let her grab my elbow. We waited by the train like a couple of teenage mall chicks in line for a Miley Cyrus concert.

Are girls still paying attention to Miley? Or did she go out like a wrecking ball? I never listen to the radio.

Anyway.

Figuratively speaking, I missed my train. The last of the passengers exited, and Adonis was not one of them.

But, like I said, sometimes a moment is enough. Though a ‘meet-cute’ wouldn’t have killed me, a ‘look-intensely’ would do just fine. Today. Because ten minutes earlier, today wanted to suck. But after seeing the man I would come to love – and then to hate – I felt a little gorgeous myself.

Is beauty contagious?

My throat dry as a gulch, I swallowed hard enough that it hurt while looking at Gwen, waiting for her to say her inevitable right thing.

‘Aw, shucks, kid.’ She punched me on the arm. ‘But, fuckin’ A, you two totally had the “five-minute marriage”, I’m telling you.’

‘That works. Thanks, Gwen.’

I thought so, too, and I guess she didn’t need to tell me whether I imagined that smouldering exchange. But yes, she did need to, because at the time I was even more insecure than I am now, and I would likely ask her to tell me again later in a weak moment. Normally I second-guessed anything which brought me a bit of joy, since life continually proved me wrong, every chance my silly little life got.

‘Come on.’ Gwen snapped her fingers. I was staring ahead, lost in my head and surely looking catatonic. ‘Let’s go, Lily.’

We headed toward the steps as the tube squeaked forward. I turned my head one last time, hoping for a final glimpse.

Not disappointed.

Because there stood the stranger, hanging onto a tall, steel pole. He looked out the window, and caught my eye once again.

There was a good, solid, old-school I see you and see you seeing me see you moment .

Then he grasped the pole tighter as the train jerked ahead with a warm, sympathetic, whoosh .

And then he was gone.

‘Lily’s got a boyfriend,’ Gwen singsonged.

Nothing’s changed, Lily, said a horrible voice inside my mind. Don’t go getting all happy and cocky. Go look in a mirror, and see if you still imagine that sexy thing would look twice. He was looking at Gwen, not you.

But this time I refused to listen to, or feed, the troll of my own self-doubt. I shook my head, trying to empty my mind and go back to my joyful space, which I should be allowed to feel. Because I was different, and liked myself a little better than I did, out sitting on the steps at South Station, hanging with the pigeons. They were special, too, I guess. In their little pigeony way.

Gwen and I ran up the steps together, excited to be out of the dark, back in the sunshine, where beautiful girls belong.

We arrived on the eighteenth floor at 9.07, only to find our tiny corner of Apollyon apocalyptically empty.

‘Fuhhck,’ I said. ‘Where are we supposed to be ?’

‘Next floor up. Important And Mysterious Meeting,’ Gwen said, smacking her forehead. ‘Scheduled for Monday morning at nine sharp, and three email reminders last week. Thank God I persuaded you to be a responsible adult.’

‘No doubt.’ I peered around at all the abandoned cubicles. ‘Better to be fashionably late than not show at all, right?’

‘Time will tell.’

* * *

President Colossimo had a thing about punctuality – I suppose most bosses do – and since the Important And Mysterious Meeting appeared to be about something unpleasant to Mr Colossimo, he would be neither pleased nor amused by our tardiness. Gwen and I were both due for another written warning, and I was betting that this was our not-so-lucky day.