Vivacia Ahwen: Reaching Lily

I can still feel his touch. My body has memorised and internalised him.

What I wouldn’t give to forget that unreadable expression on his beautiful face when I said the words I will never be able to take back.

How his full lips moved, as though to respond, before he thought better of it.

How I hoped his lips would claim mine in the deepest, most delicious kiss, the way they used to, and how they never did.

How they never would again.

How he looked askance, turned around and walked away without a second glance.

Here’s what else I absolutely need to forget:

Those same full lips, sucking my nipples. Dorian’s tongue flicking across their tips, nibbling, sometimes a little too hard … just how I liked it. His mouth trailing between my breasts, between my ribs, licking my belly, kissing, sucking, inching his way towards my mons. Torturing me. Cupping my ass in his enormous hands, pulling my pelvis closer, burrowing his face into me, slipping his tongue at the very tip of my slit, finally delving deeper, sliding, finding me. Slicking against the left side of my clit, licking faster still, while I pictured hummingbirds and could have sworn I tasted sugar-water in my mouth. Because when Dorian Holder took me, my world transformed. Touch became taste, sound became vision. He fucked me into a straight-up synaesthete.

When Dorian Holder took me, my body sang.

How he tortured me, letting me come so close, then dropped me to the mattress, laughing while I tried to squirm back to him, aching for more. How he pushed my abdomen down, slid two fingers the length of my pussy’s lips. And how he brushed his middle finger ever so lightly against my pink jewel, and I literally begged him to let me come.

He loved it when I’d beg.

I didn’t imagine that part.

I used to imagine a lot of things about Dorian and me, but how he awakened my body is undeniable.

How he awakened my heart is unforgivable.

Oh! Then he would whisper sweet and breathy in my ear, something like ‘Hush’. Or ‘Are you OK, Lily?’ He’d laugh at my frantic nodding, and desperate struggling to free myself. If he was feeling mean, he’d ask, ‘Should I stop?’, knowing full well what the answer was. When he drove me to that mindspace, I became incapable of speech, and I could only shake my head: no.

Sometimes Dorian liked to pull back and watch me weep, particularly when my arms were spread wide in an embrace he would neither answer nor return. Embraces I could never complete while my wrists were tied to opposite bedposts. How badly I wanted to swipe at my tears of frustration as they ran down into my ears, all itchy, but of course I could not.

I was bound.

Then Dorian would start all over again, while I writhed, begging him to please, please, please let me finish.

Eventually, he would acquiesce.

As long as I did what I was told.

I remember.

‘And lilies are still lilies,

Pulled by smutty hands,

Though spotted from their white.’

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

‘You’re late, Lily.’

‘I know, I’m sorry. It was just –’

‘Tell me later.’ Gwen slipped her Charlie card into the slot and held the gate open for me, like we always did. Rebels. We pushed our way through the crowd, dashed down the dirty grey steps and waited for the next Orange Line to 4024 Boylston, home to Apollyon LLC.

Yep, that Apollyon. The fitness emporium that put SFX Incorporated out of business, not to mention taking down smaller equipment chains along the way. We have a chain of gyms along the East Coast, and a couple years back bought out Planet Fitness. Apollyon’s ruthless approach to finance – search, destroy and takeover – led us to be tagged the ‘Wal-Mart of Workout’ in Forbes ’ January issue, which, rumour had it, had a negative impact on sales. Go fig. Owned by Holder Enterprises, some monstrous Dark Force of finance in Denver. Among many other things, I was a copywriter for the evil empire of exercise equipment. I also dabbled a bit in the PR department.

‘No more Patron, ever.’ I couldn’t stand tequila, anyway. ‘So much of never. Hangover, day two. Totally missed the first train.’

‘Get over it, and I apologise for the bitchy message. Obviously I overdisclosed to you on your very own life. My badness. Hey, what would you have done with Troy even if he had gone home with you?’ She smacked my arm. ‘Prude-y Princess. Lily-White.’