Amanda Brooke - Where I Found You

‘I see he’s still keeping you on your toes,’ Maggie said, trying to keep the mood light. Lorna was another regular to the salon and although they weren’t exactly friends Maggie knew the young mum well enough to know that she would launch into a string of complaints about motherhood given half the chance. It was an encounter she could do without right now.

‘Can I feed the ducks?’ the little boy asked.

Lorna groaned. ‘I forgot the bread. We’ll feed them tomorrow.’

Maggie sensed all attention being drawn to her half-eaten sandwich and she tore off the crust. ‘Here, give them this, Josh.’

‘Say thank you,’ Lorna told him as he snatched the bread from Maggie’s hand.

‘Thank you, Maggie.’

The chorus of quacks grew in intensity as the little boy approached the water’s edge and Lorna collapsed onto the bench with a loud sigh. ‘We’re not interrupting you, are we?’

Maggie swallowed up the remnants of her sandwich in one mouthful before replying. ‘No, it’s OK. I have to head off to work now anyway.’

‘That’s a shame,’ Lorna said. ‘I could do with some adult conversation for a change.’

Maggie ignored the subtle hint to stay and began packing up her things. ‘Maybe next time.’

‘Actually, I’m glad I caught you. There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask.’ Lorna spoke urgently but then paused to lower her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’

Maggie froze, too stunned to reply. Josh’s laughter cut into the silence.

‘It’s just that I saw you with Mel the other day and …’

‘Oh.’

‘So? Are you?’

To date, only a handful of trusted friends had been told the news but Maggie was having her three-month scan the next day and she had already promised James they would announce the news then so there seemed little point in denying it if Lorna had spotted her with the midwife. ‘I’m due in October,’ she said.

‘Really? I am surprised, I mean, I didn’t even think you could.’

‘I know, James and I have been married for less than a year but I’m thirty-two and I don’t want to leave it much longer.’ Maggie was deliberately misunderstanding Lorna’s comment.

‘No, I didn’t mean that,’ Lorna said but refused to explain further. Instead, she gave Harvey a heavy pat on the back. He was resting his head on Maggie’s lap as if he knew his mistress needed the moral support.

‘Oh, you mean because I’m visually impaired?’ She wasn’t sure how she managed to keep her tone light although Lorna’s tactless response was no more than she expected from her less-informed acquaintances. It was the reason she had been more than happy to keep her pregnancy a secret for as long as possible.

‘You have to admit that it’s going to be difficult. I bet social services will be watching you like a hawk.’

Maggie began stroking Harvey, her fingers following the broad contours of his nose and head. She could feel his eyelashes flutter against her palm. He was watching her. ‘Mel is amazingly supportive and yes, there will be challenges – but nothing I can’t handle. I simply have to find different solutions to the same problems faced by any new mother,’ she said with a confidence she didn’t feel. It was only the occasional squeal from Josh as he teased the ducks that kept her spirits buoyed, reminding her that motherhood had its rewards.

Despite having planned to start a family, Maggie had been shell-shocked when she found out she was pregnant. She had been fast approaching thirty before she and James met, by which point the hope of being a wife and mother had dimmed in much the same way as her vision had when she was six years old and had suffered a severe bout of measles, which had left her with only a vague sense of light and shade and no sense of colour. James’s appearance had brought a new kind of light into her world and it hadn’t taken them long to realise that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. They had moved into the house opposite Victoria Park just over a year ago, by which point they were already planning a baby as well as their wedding. But then another guiding light in Maggie’s life had been snuffed out. Her mum had died.

When Maggie had lost her sight, Joan had been the one to encourage her daughter to develop her other senses to the point where she found her residual sense of vision almost distracting and often wore sunglasses to filter it out. Together they had found new and innovative ways for Maggie to absorb the beauty of the world around her. Her sense of hearing could pinpoint her position whether from the echo of her voice off a wall, the hum of traffic from the road or a tree shivering in the breeze. Her sense of touch, be it from the tips of her fingers to the tips of her toes, could build up a picture of the world within her grasp and the ground beneath her feet. Taste added texture and depth to the food she ate or the skin she kissed, but it was her sense of smell that had been one of the most exciting voyages of discovery. Joan used an array of spices, fruits and flowers to bring the colour back into Maggie’s world, dabbing natural scents onto everyday objects to give her daughter the means to visualise her unseen world. It was almost inevitable that Maggie would one day make her living from her obsession with aromas.

But it wasn’t only the practicalities of life that Joan had helped with; she had instilled a sense of worth in her daughter which gave Maggie the confidence to face any challenges life could throw at her, so much so that she and James hadn’t even discussed whether or not they should reconsider their plans to become parents after her mum had died and had let nature take its course.

It was only now, as she sensed the news of her pregnancy being picked up on the breeze and released into the world, that Maggie felt the full force of the loneliness and isolation she had been feeling. She had James, of course, and she had close friends; her closest being Jenny who was her honorary sister and a new mother herself. Only … she didn’t have the one person who would have been there, not only to tell her that she could do this but to dare anyone to suggest otherwise.

Maggie still had her dad but Stan had moved to Spain to be mollycoddled by his sister. Everyone agreed it was the best thing for him after losing his wife but his daughter would need to choose the right time to tell him the news – as tempting as it was, she didn’t want him catching the next flight home. Even his presence wouldn’t be enough to fill the gaping hole in his daughter’s life, a hole that had allowed self-doubt to creep in.

‘I imagine James will have his work cut out,’ Lorna said, seemingly determined to erode her confidence further. ‘Is he happy about it?’

Maggie was about to answer but a noise caught her attention. She was turning urgently towards the lake even before she realised it was the sound of feet sloshing about in water. ‘Is Josh all right?’ she asked but the sound of the little boy’s cry for help was answer enough and the splashing grew thunderous.

Lorna launched herself to her feet and Maggie quickly released Harvey from his leash. She could hear his claws scraping against the concrete slipway as he ran to the little boy’s aid. Josh’s wails intensified as Lorna dragged him out of the water and read him the riot act.

‘At least he’s safe,’ Maggie offered when Lorna returned with a dripping and sobbing Josh in her arms. The smell of stagnant water and bird droppings was strong enough to burn the back of her nostrils and Harvey, who had returned to Maggie’s side, summed up his own feelings with a wet sneeze.

Lorna muttered a mixture of apologies and goodbyes as she manhandled her son to his feet and proceeded to drag the snivelling child away. Once tranquillity had returned, Harvey rested his head on Maggie’s lap to resume his vigil. He licked her hand, which she had placed protectively over her stomach. No longer in a hurry to get to work, she imagined what might have happened if it had been her child and not Josh wandering into the water. What if she had been on her own and there had been no one to pull him to safety? How would she have coped? What had she been thinking getting pregnant in the first place?