Amanda Brooke - Where I Found You

‘Are you all right?’ Elsa asked.

Elsa couldn’t for the life of her remember how she came to be sitting on the park bench. The twisted branches of the giant rhododendron bushes growing up the embankment made her feel like she had been caught up in a huge spider’s web but it was her mind that was full of tangles.

Smoothing over the creases of her dress and resting her hand on her stomach, Elsa watched a woman stumbling down the sloping path with her dog. For a moment, she thought she would march straight into the lake and Elsa’s heart jumped into her mouth.

‘Are you all right?’ she called.

The woman’s breathing was ragged as she approached the bench. ‘Elsa?’

‘Have we met before?’ Elsa asked when the dog greeted her like an old friend.

‘Yes, the other day.’ The woman took a seat next to her and put her hand on her chest in an effort to steady her breathing. It took a moment or two before she could speak again and even then her voice trembled. ‘I’m Maggie and this is Harvey. Remember?’

Elsa placed the palm of a hand on the surface of the bench and a memory seeped out from its painted surface and into her mind. This was where she had shared her secret. ‘You’re pregnant too, aren’t you? Is that why you’re so upset?’

Maggie tried to give her a winning smile but it crumpled with the effort. ‘I’m upset because I miss my mum. We used to sit here together.’

The vision of a child being separated from its mother struck a chord in Elsa’s heart. ‘Do you think my little one will cry for me?’ she asked.

‘Are you still thinking of giving the baby up?’

‘I think of nothing else.’

Maggie took a deep breath and, as she focused her attention on Elsa, she brought her tremors under control. ‘I have to admit, I’ve been thinking a lot about you since you disappeared last time. I’ve been worried about you.’

‘I’ll survive,’ Elsa said as if that wasn’t a good thing but she was comforted by the idea that Maggie had been concerned about her. She could do with a friendly ear. She had done something reckless, even by her standards, and if her hopes held out then she was going to upset a lot of people.

‘You sound tired,’ her friend said.

Elsa looked at her hands; they had been completely destroyed by hard graft. ‘I’m on my feet all day at Flo’s Fruit and Veg. I think every bone in my body aches.’

‘Flo’s Fruit and Veg? I’ve never heard of it.’

‘It’s on the High Street. Don’t tell me you go to Mr Flanagan’s? Aunt Flo’s fruit is much fresher. Cheaper too.’

‘Aunt Flo,’ Maggie repeated as if she was struggling to follow what Elsa was telling her. ‘She’s the woman you’re staying with, isn’t she?’

‘Yes, and she’s a bit of a hard taskmaster but why have a dog and bark yourself, isn’t that right, Harvey?’ Elsa rubbed the dog’s neck until he groaned with pleasure.

‘I hope she’s not pushing you too hard. You need to take care of yourself.’

‘She’s not that bad really. I was a complete stranger when she took me in but now she treats me like family. She has a will of iron sometimes but soft as a brush the next. She’s going to hit the roof when she finds out I’ve written to Freddie.’

‘You’ve written to him?’

Elsa had her sister to thank for that. Celia had given birth to a bonnie little girl and Elsa had rushed over to Manchester to see them and, more importantly, to be there when her mum arrived to inspect her latest grandchild. Elsa was five and half months pregnant and had to bind herself up so the bulge didn’t show but her weight gain had been the first thing her mum had noticed.

‘You’ll never get a husband if you let yourself go,’ she had warned.

Celia had leapt to her defence, fearful that Elsa might break down and confess all. ‘I’ll make sure she does. We both need to get in shape.’

Her mum continued to scrutinise her younger daughter. ‘Still, you’ve got those lovely eyes and such beautiful hair. Don’t go cutting it short like your sister here. I don’t understand why girls want to look so much like boys these days.’

‘I won’t, Mum,’ Elsa said as she tried to staunch her tears. ‘I would never let you down, you know that.’

‘Being around Celia and the children has clearly been a good influence. I don’t see that wild streak of yours any more,’ her mum said with a note of approval. Her face softened. ‘You’re a good girl, Elsa, I know that.’ It was then that her mum had put a loving hand on Elsa’s cheek and it was a wonder she hadn’t noticed her daughter’s body trembling with the effort to keep her emotions in check. If anything was going to push her over the edge then it was that simple touch of her mum’s hand.

But it wasn’t her mum’s touch that had made Elsa go against the plans that had been laid for her but the defenceless newborn she had held in her arms. ‘How can I hand something so precious over to someone else?’ she had asked Celia. ‘How can you make me?’

‘You can barely look after yourself, Elsa. You’ve still got a lot of growing up to do,’ Celia had said, repeating old arguments.

‘I’m old enough to feel a mother’s love – and I swear I’m going to love this baby growing inside me until my dying day.’ She was holding on desperately to her sister’s baby now and refused to let Celia take her from her. There was a look of horror on Celia’s face as she was forced to imagine it was Elsa’s baby being wrenched from its mother’s arms. ‘Please, Celia,’ Elsa had whimpered. ‘Please, I’m begging you.’

What else could Celia do but promise to help?

‘I’ve written the letter and left it with my sister Celia,’ Elsa explained to Maggie. ‘She’s contacting the friends I know at the base and by hook or by crook, that letter will find its way to Freddie.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Everything. I’ve told him everything,’ Elsa said, the rasp in her voice laced with emotion. ‘And if he doesn’t reply now then I’ll know there’s nothing left for me to live for.’

‘Please don’t say that. I know how daunting it must seem but don’t give up. Believe me, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you can’t do it because that’s what everyone’s telling you, but you have to believe in yourself, Elsa. We both do.’

‘I have to face facts. I can’t work and look after a baby at the same time. I can’t provide for both of us.’ As Elsa spoke, a cold breeze bit into the nape of her neck. She raised a hand to the back of her head for protection and her fingers touched cropped locks. She was such a disappointment to her parents.

‘I really hope your hero comes back on that motorbike of his.’

‘And if he doesn’t? The thought of handing my baby over to someone else … It’s breaking my heart already.’ Elsa cast her gaze over the lake. The day was bright but the spring sun was not yet warm enough to chase away a lingering mist that covered it like a shroud. She imagined the water would be deathly cold. ‘I can’t see the swans.’

Maggie turned her head as if to follow Elsa’s gaze. ‘No, there are no swans,’ she said hesitantly.

‘Would it be so bad if the lake swallowed me up and I spent the rest of eternity with my baby?’

‘That isn’t the answer,’ Maggie said, turning away from the lake. ‘Listen to me, Elsa. You can’t think like that. You’ve got to stay strong. I just wish there was more I could do for you.’

Rummaging in her bag, Maggie pulled out a small card and handed it over to Elsa. It had pretty swirls of colour printed on it and a delicate script.

‘What is it?’

‘My business card, but don’t get me wrong, I’m not touting for work,’ Maggie added quickly.