Amanda Brooke - Where I Found You

‘Please don’t go losing sleep over Judith. She’s only panicking because she wants what’s best for James. And you,’ Kathy added but not quickly enough.

Maggie shrugged. ‘You were right first time. Sorry, Kath, but I have to go. I promised to meet Jenny at the bank,’ she said and made her escape before her resolve to keep quiet weakened even further.

Slipping on her sunglasses to block out the muted sunshine trickling across her vision, Maggie and Harvey headed in the direction of the bank, but no sooner had they set off than they came to a sudden halt.

‘Hi, I’m here,’ Jenny announced. She sounded out of breath as if she had been running. ‘The nursery phoned and they’re desperate for this miracle cure you promised me.’

‘How is Lily?’ Maggie asked as she handed it over. They turned together and continued along the route to the nursery, which was the same direction as the park where Maggie was heading next.

‘Red-faced and grumpy.’

‘And you?’

‘The same,’ Jenny quipped.

‘I’ve been worried,’ Maggie confessed. ‘I know you were annoyed with Mark for dragging you away last night but it sounded like there was more to it than that. What’s going on?’

‘Oh, something and nothing.’

They had reached the entrance to the park and came to a stop. ‘And the truth?’ Maggie said not willing to accept the prevarication.

Jenny sucked air through clenched teeth as she tried to hold back her feelings. It didn’t work. ‘Mark’s been working all the hours God sends and I know it’s tough for estate agents right now but he doesn’t seem to recognise how hard it is for me too. I’ve only been back at work a few weeks but I seem to be the one who’s expected to juggle everything: the baby, the job, and the house. Look at me now, rushing over to the nursery to look after our daughter on my so-called lunch break. It’s bloody hard, Maggie.’

Jenny’s breath caught in her throat but it was Maggie who gasped back the sob. The seed of doubt planted by Judith had burst through to the surface and was tearing up the foundations of the life Maggie’s mum had spent decades building for her daughter.

‘Maggie? What’s wrong?’ Jenny grasped both of Maggie’s hands in her own.

‘If you can’t cope then what hope do I have, Jen?’ she said in the barest whisper.

Jenny squeezed Maggie’s hands. ‘Don’t pay any attention to me, all I need is a bit of “me” time. What’s happened, Maggie? It’s bloody Judith, isn’t it?’

‘Yes … no … I don’t know. She thinks I’m deliberately setting out to destroy James’s life and I’m starting to think that’s exactly what I’ll end up doing. So much is going to change and it scares me. I want to have it all, Jenny. The baby, the job, the house,’ she said, making a feeble joke of Jenny’s earlier complaint, ‘but how can I? It’s not just about finding the time for everything; even the finances don’t stack up. If I went back to work then I’d have to put the baby in a nursery but I doubt I’d earn enough to cover the fees. That’s why James wanted Judith to help look after the baby. Thank God she doesn’t want to. Am I being selfish?’

‘You’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s all, but why make it harder than it needs to be? If I had the choice, I’d give up work like a shot and it might give you the time you need to settle into motherhood.’

Maggie’s heart sank. It wasn’t the answer she had wanted to hear. She wasn’t ready to give up the business she had worked so hard for.

‘But,’ Jenny continued, ‘if you’re insisting on being superwoman, so what if you can’t cover the nursery fees? Make James work twice as hard to make up the difference. It’s the least he can do for letting Judith upset you.’

Maggie wanted to smile but despite Jenny’s faith, her superhuman powers failed her. ‘James is blissfully unaware. All he remembers of Saturday night is demolishing a bottle of single malt in the kitchen with his dad to wet the baby’s head.’

‘He knows. Maybe he didn’t hear everything Judith said about the baby but he couldn’t ignore the constant references she made to Carolyn.’

‘Comparisons, you mean. I think she’s still waiting for the day when Carolyn realises she’s made a terrible mistake and begs James to take her back. But in answer to your question, yes he can ignore that too. Given the choice, James is more than happy to stick his head in the sand,’ Maggie said but then regretted her harsh assessment of her husband. ‘But that’s only because he’s such a gentle soul and that’s why I love him so much.’

‘Gentle soul or not, he won’t appreciate his wife pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Talk to him.’

‘I don’t want to be the cause of a family rift, not after everything James has been through already.’

‘ You wouldn’t be the cause of a rift, Judith would. Tell him.’

‘OK,’ Maggie said with no intention of doing so. ‘But only on the condition that you talk to Mark about how you’re feeling overwhelmed too.’

‘OK,’ Jenny said, sounding even less convincing than Maggie. ‘And we’ll make some time for us too. How about we hit the town and go clubbing?’

Maggie couldn’t help laughing even though she suspected Jenny wasn’t joking. ‘Or how about a yoga class?’ she countered, recalling the nights out with Jenny in Chester where she had spent most of her time apologising for standing on people’s toes on the dance floor.

Jenny relaxed now there was a smile on Maggie’s face and said, ‘Yes, I suppose we are meant to be sensible, married women these days. Now, I really am sorry, Maggie, but I have to get this to the nursery. Are you going to be all right?’

Maggie assured Jenny that she was and could almost believe it herself. As she and Harvey switched to autopilot and stepped into the park, she reminded herself of all the people in her life, willing her to succeed. Did it really matter that Judith wasn’t going to be one of them? She had good friends and a loving husband, not to mention an amazing midwife who was already putting together a support network that would give her all the necessary skills to take on motherhood.

It was only when she paused at the top of the slope leading down to the lake that Maggie’s fragile confidence began to disintegrate again. She turned her face towards the park bench as if she could see its wrought iron frame and achingly empty seats. Her mum was meant to be there, to share her daughter’s joy at fulfilling her lifelong ambition to be a mother and to help her prepare for her baby’s arrival. She was meant to be there to silence her doubters. But her mum wasn’t there and Maggie felt her absence more keenly than ever before.

Her legs had turned to lead as she made her way down towards the bench but each juddering step felt like a body blow. Her heart thudded against her chest, which had an invisible weight pressing against it. Gulping air desperately into her lungs, Maggie began to feel light-headed. Tears stung her eyes but couldn’t blur the image of the empty park bench she held in her mind. Why had she ever thought she could do this? She couldn’t stand up to Judith and, more importantly, she couldn’t look after a baby. Not on her own. She couldn’t do it.

Overwhelmed by a growing sense of panic, Maggie ignored the uplifting scents of spring flowers around her and she was too engrossed in the rhythmic sound of water slapping against the slipway to pick up the scent of lilac perfume. Her pace raced alongside her pulse as she drew closer to the lake. She was ready to give herself up to the dark and silent abyss and would have done so if Harvey hadn’t been so determined to guide her towards the safety of the bench. Maggie wasn’t sure if it was the realisation of what she had been about to do or the sound of a woman’s voice that brought her to her senses.