Jill Knapp - You’ll Find Me in Manhattan

“That’s a shame, Ms. Hastings,” his voice was low and wry. But I should tell you, if you don’t partake in this portion of the work-study program, then you can no longer work on my project with me.” I saw a small smile tug at the side of his lips, or maybe I was imagining that.

“Excuse me?” I uttered, trying to keep an even tone. “Since when did going to analysis become a requirement for working on your project?” I had read the forms thoroughly before signing – at least I thought I had.

“You’ve shown me how irresponsible you can be, and how little effort you are willing to put in to further your education, and ultimately, your career. I asked you this a while ago, Miss Hastings, and you didn’t have a good answer for me then and I doubt you have a good answer for me now. What do you want to do when you graduate with your Master’s from NYU?”

I was speechless. The truth was, with everything going on in my life over the past few years, just handling things day to day felt like a constant struggle. The future seemed so far away when I first moved into that West Village apartment, but isn’t that how it always goes? One day you’re imaging your future, then in the blink of an eye, it’s here.

But now, the cushy idea of “future Amalia” having to make these decisions was gone. The time was now. I only had a little over a year left here and I had to start making some serious plans for my future.

I looked down at the floor. The old, slightly torn, carpeting mirrored my feelings of uselessness. Maybe going to therapy wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Without further consideration, I backed down.

“You’re right,” I conceded.

“What was that?” he took a step closer to me and turned his head slightly as if to indicate that he wanted me to speak louder.

My feelings of dejection slowly melded into ones of anger. I felt my hands ball in fists. The man was getting way too much enjoyment out of this.

“I’ll stay in your program,” I enunciated each word through gritted teeth. “I need the money. So I guess that means, starting in the fall, I will be going to analysis.”

“It will begin at the end of October.”

I nodded, unsure of what else to say.

Dr. Greenfield stared at me for a moment. The wrinkles around his eyes looked more pronounced today than usual, and for a moment I felt sorry for him. What did I really know about this man? His arms were folded across his chest and I noticed he didn’t wear a wedding ring. I let my shoulders sink a bit and relaxed. There was really no point in me getting all worked up about this. One more year in this hell hole, and I’d be out. Might as well make it as easy on myself as I could while I was here.

I took a deep breath. “Is that all, sir?” I kept my face poker-straight, unwilling to take any more criticism.

He looked at me for a beat longer and then said, “Yes, that’s all.”

I turned on my heel and headed toward the door, chewing on the bottom of my lip the whole time.

“Oh and Miss Hastings,” he called out to me just as I was turning the doorknob. “When you get here Monday morning, do not be late again. This is your final warning.”

I merely turned to him and nodded, unable to speak out of fear I would curse him out.

Three months later

It was fall again in New York, which means you could expect to see lots of Burberry scarves, black tights, pumpkin spice lattes, and fingerless gloves. Here in the city, and in most of the northern states, fall lasts for about two weeks until the harsh, oppressive winter begins. It was September 14 thand classes had been going on for nearly three weeks. Our cohort only had four classes left to finish our requirements for graduation. Two this semester and two in the spring. Of course, our senior seminar class was being taught by Dr. Greenfield. There was just no escaping that man. We could all at least take solace in the fact that senior seminar was a core class and was only held once a semester. We would all be taking it together. The other class that Alex and I chose this semester was called “Cell Biology – the Nucleus and Beyond.” Alex pointed out that the class would stand out more on our doctoral applications than any of the other courses being held. I thought it sounded like a Star Trek episode and agreed to enroll.

Deep breath .

I sipped my green tea grabbed from a local café near Union Square and slowly walked to my biology class. I wanted to savor the beautiful weather while I could. It was a little after two-thirty and my building was about ten minutes away. I had plenty of time to make it to my three o’clock class. I took another deep breath as a pair of two teenage girls walked passed me, giggling as they scarfed down cupcakes from one of the artisan food trucks parked by the curb. They looked so happy and full of life. Even at twenty-four, a considerably young age, I felt deflated.

I hadn’t spoken to my mother much since the day she told me about the picture. The picture of Alex hugging another girl. She had sent me a couple of follow-up texts asking me if I’d confronted him yet. I asked her in the politest way possible to butt out. Not because I necessarily wanted to be nice to her, more that I didn’t want to engage with her in a conversation about nonsense.

I shook my head, putting thoughts of her out of my mind, and took a soothing sip of my tea. Eight more months and then we would graduate on May 17 th. Graduation this year, like most years, was being held at Yankee Stadium, which is located in the Bronx. I would have preferred it been anywhere else. Preferably somewhere inside with air conditioning that wouldn’t take me nearly an hour to get to from my and Alex’s apartment on Roosevelt Island.

The summer hadn’t helped to calm me down at all. While most people were sunning themselves in the Hamptons or on Fire Island, I was filling out applications and gathering letters of recommendations for the programs at NYU, Sarah Lawrence College, New School University, and Hunter College. In between all of that, I was constantly flipping through bridal magazines and meeting with vendors for the wedding. It was astonishing how far out in advance everything had to be booked. Not to mention I spent two weeks in August moving out of my apartment in Brooklyn and moving into Alex’s place on Roosevelt Island.

I was mentally wrecked by everything that was going on. Even with the support I had from my father and from Alex, my mother’s lack of positive interest in my wedding was really starting to take a toll. She was bent on getting me to break it off. I shouldn’t be surprised; our relationship had always been strained. But for some reason, getting married really makes you realize who’s truly there for you and who isn’t. It is, arguably, the most important thing you will ever do in your life. If someone can’t make the time for you while that’s going on, they’ll never be there for you.

On top of everything else, quitting smoking was a total bitch. I was constantly tempted to sneak a cigarette whenever Amalia wasn’t looking.

My wedding was less than a year away, and I couldn’t even enjoy being engaged because of all of my schoolwork. I thought about what Alex had said to me, that I’m missing it. I shook my head once more, trying to drown out the anxious thoughts that had planted roots in my mind.

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