Greg Behrendt - It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken - The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy

That’s right—even better than when you got your first apartment, found those Gucci stilettos on sale, won the Oscar for best actress, or whatever appears on your own personal highlight reel. Think about it this way:When you and your ex got into this relationship, you were two brand-new sports cars driving side by side. You were sleek, desirable, sexy, and confident, and the ride was exhilarating. After a while you zigged when he zagged, you weren’t driving the same speed anymore, one of you was always trying to catch up, and eventually you crashed and totaled the cars. When the insurance paid out, one of you decided to buy a new car instead of fixing the totaled one. For those of you who don’t own cars, the translation of this metaphor is that you and your ex (or soon-to-be ex) no longer share the belief that the relationship is worth fixing. One of you wants a new car altogether. And besides, who wants a relationship that despite attempted repairs always stalls when you try to shift gears? Not you.

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken, and in the pages ahead you will come to learn that that’s actually a good thing. So read on, breakup warrior! From adversity comes greatness. Life’s biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges, or something like that. Many of us have found the road to a better life and a truer love in the face of some serious heartbreak. Some of us even happened to have pens handy to write down catchy proverbs to help inspire or annoy you in your time of need. So let’s dive in already, because there’s nothing more annoying than a self-help book full of nothing but proverbs! We’ve done our best to make this book so much more.

The format includes a question-and-answer section, work-book exercises, firsthand stories from our own breakups, and a little thing we like to call the Psycho Confessional, which is where you can turn when you need an “At least I’m not doing that bad” boost to your self-esteem. The questions and examples in this book have come not only from our own experiences, but also from those of our friends and our extensive breakup survey, where well over 500 people shared the gory details of their sad but true breakups with us. You’ll be glad they did. And now let’s turn the page and start the process of finding our way back to an even more rocking you.

Just because you know that your relationship is no good doesn’t make the process of ending it any easier. Even if you have reached the realization that he’s just not that into you, you’re just not that into him, or you’re mutually not that into each other, that doesn’t mean that you’ve been successful at pulling the trigger. We know that, and in fact have both been guilty of letting dead-end relationships linger on way past their shelf life because the task of ending them was just too difficult. It’s hard to have the courage to walk away from the comfort of a relationship, even a bad one, and be alone for what may be a while. What’s more, it’s easy to find reasons not to end it: I don’t want to have to look for another apartment, I don’t have the money to be on my own, I won’t have a date to my cousin’s wedding, I can’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else.

But here’s the thing to remember: Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that—wasted time. Time that could be spent looking for and meeting the person who’s destined to be your perfect match. Ultimately, there’s no benefit to hanging on—you’re merely procrastinating and delaying the inevitable. Staying in a relationship that’s on life support isn’t going to bring it back to life. “But how will I get over it?” We’ll help you get over it—that’s what this book is all about. So do the both of you a favor and end it. Pick up the phone right now and tell him you need to talk. Pull the plug already and come with us on the road to the bigger, brighter future that awaits.

(Or, How the Hell Did a Kick-Ass Lady Like Myself End Up in This Agonizing Nightmare?)

INT. HIS APARTMENT—NIGHT

An attractive couple, late twenties, sit on the couch in front of a burning fire. The setting is romantic. He gets up and paces nervously, taking a swig from his bottle of beer.

HIM

There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.

She expectantly puts down her wineglass and checks that her lips are appropriately glossed for the big moment.

YOU

We can talk about anything. That’s why we’re so perfect together.

He paces in front of her, searching for the right words.

HIM

It’s just that…we’ve been together for a while now. And I always have a great time with you…

YOU

I know, it’s like we were made for each other!

HIM

You’re a really special person, and someday you’ll make the perfect wife…

YOU

(excitedly) Yes???

He squats down in front of her and grabs both her hands. She can hardly believe it’s about to happen…

HIM

…Just not for me. I think we should see other people…

She clearly didn’t hear him, as she interrupts him…

YOU

I’d love to! (realizing) Wait—what did you just ask me?

HIM

(relieved) Really? That’s great! I thought you were going to get really upset. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you that for weeks.

She gets up and walks to the kitchen and starts pulling open all the drawers.

HIM

What are you looking for?

YOU

Something to hit you with.

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