Sam Jordison - Enemies of the People

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First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2017

SECOND EDITION

© Sam Jordison 2017

Cover design © HarperCollins Publishers 2017

Cover illustration © Jason Seiler/Richard Solomon Artists

Internal illustrations © Shutterstock.com

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Sam Jordison asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008297343

Ebook Edition © June 2017 ISBN: 9780008256425

Version: 2018-03-16

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

Vladimir Putin

Ayn Rand

Milton Friedman

Ronald Reagan

Margaret Thatcher

William the Conqueror

Mel Gibson

Richard Nixon

Chairman Mao

Henry Kissinger

Rex Tillerson

The Koch Brothers

Thomas Midgley Jr

Henry Ford

Adolf Hitler

Pepe the Frog

Mark Zuckerberg

Arron Banks

Nigel Farage

James Goldsmith

Ray Kroc

Jeff Bezos

HAL 9000

Julian Assange

Steve Bannon

Donald Trump

Benjamin Franklin

L. Ron Hubbard

Jerry Falwell

Jesus Christ

Ibn Abd al-Wahhab

Osama bin Laden

George W. Bush

Tony Blair

Jeremy Corbyn

David Cameron

Lynton Crosby

Kim Kardashian West

Chris Martin

Simon Cowell

Piers Morgan

Boris Johnson

Michael Gove

Theresa May

Marine Le Pen

Paul Dacre

Katie Hopkins

The Queen

Your Granny

John Romulus Brinkley

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

Not too long ago, there was a fashionable theory that history was determined by economic and geopolitical forces rather than by individuals. Before that, the big idea was that Great Men governed history: that it took men (always men) of destiny, foresight, intelligence and strategic mastery to change the world and build the future.

But recent years have proved both those notions abundantly wrong. From Nigel Farage to Donald Trump via (inevitably) Vladimir Putin, our lives generally have been governed, endangered and thrown into confusion by a pack of angry men. (Nearly always men. Nearly always white.) Men whose ambition is inversely proportional to their ability – and stability. When was the last time you saw a decent leader outside of Canada? And when was the last time anyone in power did anything useful for you? *The truth is that most of the people who have guided our destiny have been far from great – no matter how often they might enjoy using that word.

And here we are, in 2017, post-truth and mid-Brexit. Nationalism is on the rise. A reality TV star is in the Oval Office. The UK is leaving the European Union and looks set to split apart. We are on the precipice of an uncertain future – and the people in this book are the ones who have stuffed us on the bus and driven us there.

Several of those listed are monsters. Not all. I have an uncomfortable feeling that Chris Martin may actually be quite sweet. But that’s okay. Enemies of the People is not just intended as a roll-call of the evil, or even the unpleasant. Instead, the chapters are devoted to those who have helped us get to this dizzying and windswept cliff-edge, whether that be through malice, bad driving or accidentally taking a wrong turn.

So it is that there’s no Attila the Hun, no Vlad the Impaler, not even Stalin. That’s not to defend such ogres in any way – just to say that other people are currently at the wheel. If I were writing ten years ago, I would probably have included a very different set of names. In ten years’ time we’ll probably have a whole new bunch of worries.

But for now, Enemies of the People should be an interesting snapshot. True to our times, it was written quickly and in anger. I can’t pretend to be objective. In fact, I can’t pretend to be anything other than royally cheesed off. I’ve seen the world I love torn to shreds and I wish it hadn’t happened.

But I have also tried to be true and to use verifiable facts. Because facts are important and facts endure. Which brings me to another big theory about history. They say it is always written by the victors. But at the moment, many of those victors can’t seem to write more than 140 characters at a time. Which gives us a golden opportunity to set the record straight, to snatch back the narrative and to find a better road.

And if you want to win, the first thing you’ve got to do is to know your enemy.

Update for the paperback edition

This edition has been revised and updated to take into account the first year of the Trump administration and the UK government’s attempts to negotiate Brexit following on from the triggering of Article 50. It’s safe to say things haven’t become any less crazy …

*If you went to Eton with David Cameron, he probably did do plenty for you. But that doesn’t count.

Date of birth: 7 October 1952

In a nutshell: Ex-KGB hardman turned international puppet-master and bringer of chaos

Connected to: Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Marine Le Pen

If Vladimir Putin had a better penis, life would be safer and kinder for all of us. As it is, the world’s most obviously overcompensating politician has bare-torsoed himself into the history books by interfering in numerous elections, invading his neighbours, and corrupting political debate around the world … And that’s before we even mention the way people who oppose him keep on having allergic reactions to bullets and poison.

Okay, we don’t necessarily know that Putin has erectile disfunction. Plenty of biographies attribute his fondness for working out and chucking people around on Judo mats to the fact that he is just 5 ft 7 in. The theory goes that when Putin realised he was hitting puberty later than the other boys at his school and that they were outgrowing him, he decided that he’d have to learn some sick martial arts skills if he were to maintain his position as their chief bully *and tormentor.

Even so, there is something about all those photos his press office release of him taking topless summers in Siberia – biceps rippling as he casts out fishing lines, pecs glowing as he rides bare-chested on sweating stallions and shoulders straining as he swims (butterfly – naturally – it’s the toughest stroke) in icy lakes. You’ve also got to wonder about his release of an eighty-minute video called Let’s Do Judo with Vladimir Putin . Also about the occasion he boasted to George W. Bush that his dog Connie was ‘bigger and stronger and faster’ than Barney, the US president’s dog. And finally, it’s hard not to worry that just about the only time we’ve seen Putin smiling in front of a camera was when he allowed that same Labrador to interrupt a press conference with Angela Merkel – knowing full well that the German Chancellor had been terrified of dogs ever since she was bitten as a child.