Rik Mayall - Bigger than Hitler – Better than Christ

The Publisher wishes to point out that due to ‘contractual obligations’, the author has exerted his right to insist that the text of Bigger Than Hitler Better Than Christ be reproduced ‘exactly like what has come off my typewriter, right?’

In addition, the Publisher has been prohibited from proof-reading or otherwise editing the author’s text, and as such all mistakes and infelicities are entirely those of The Rik Mayall.

HarperNon-Fiction

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Published by HarperCollins Entertainment 2006

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Entertainment 2005

Copyright © Rik Mayall 2005

Rik Mayall asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

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Source ISBN: 9780007207282

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2010 ISBN: 9780007375431

Version: 2016-09-15

Give me your hand small ordinary person, and walk with me—for I shall be your guide. You don’t have to worry with me for I shall not give you a quick feel-up or anything like that. For I am nice. And a lot nicer than those other cunts who write books and stuff.

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright

Excerpt

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTION

MY GREAT LIFE

SHOWBUSINESS GOLD

MANCHESTER

CONQUERING AMERICA

CRACKING THE SMOKE

WHY I WAS NEVER IMPRISONED FOR BEATING ESTHER RANTZEN TO DEATH

THE YOUNG ONES

THE YOUNG ONES

APRIL 16TH 2005: 2.55AM

COMEDY MOSH PIT

[AMUSING CHAPTER TITLE HERE]

HOW TO CREATE EDGE CUTTING TELEVISION PROGRAMMES

ANOTHER BIT OF MY PART IN THE DESTINY OF THE NATION (BRITAIN/BRINGING DOWN THATCH

SEX

DROP DEAD FRED

MORE GREAT STUFF

HOW I DESTROYED BRITISH TELEVISION

PRE-AWARD-WINNING GUEST CHAPTER WRITTEN BY KEVIN TURVEY

SECRETS I WILL NEVER DIVULGE FROM THE BLOOD-SPATTERED TRENCHES OF THE SHOWBUSINESS FRONT LINE

THE GREAT COVENT GARDEN BLOODBATH

MAVIS WENT TO MOSCOW

GOING DOWN ON THE BILL

ALL MY GREAT SHOWBUSINESS FRIENDS

A NATION CLENCHES ITS BUTTOCKS

BIGGER THAN ADOLF BETTER THAN JESUS

WHAT DOES A MAN WITH A TWO FOOT COCK HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? WELL, THIS MORNING I HAD A BOILED EGG

RIK’S HOT BROTH

GUEST HOUSE PARADISO

PERU

ONLY SURVIVING PAGES FROM THE SECOND GREATEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN

THE PINNACLE OF LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

D-DAY THE MUSICAL

MAXIMUM ENTERTAINMENT EXPERIENCE

QUICK MAYALL

NO SLEEP TILL LLANDUDNO

A-RAQ

EVERYTHING GOOD COMES IN THREES

By the Same Author

About the Publisher

Good afternoon. You know how like when you’re writing a book, loads of great ideas come to you. Well that’s what’s happening to me. And you know how you’re at the beginning of this book reading this now, well so am I, so it’s like we’re locked together, you and me, you know what I mean. Not like that, obviously, not dirty front bottom style, although we could be if you wanted, especially if you’re a jugged-up kind of bird who’s up for it. In fact, thinking about it, only really if you are a jugged-up bird who’s up for it *. Anyway, the thing is, here we are together, you and me. Except no, we’re not really, are we? Because I’m writing this bit now and it’ll be a different time when you’ll be reading it, won’t it? I mean, you know, think about it, it could be millions of years from now that you’re reading it. I mean my now, not your now. Your now would be right now, wouldn’t it? See, I was right. About both nows. You might even be someone from another planet. Or someone else from that planet. Or someone from a completely different planet. Or both of them. Or something. Or, oh forget all that. (Unless you are someone from another planet, in which case. Hello. Good afternoon to you too.)

So, basically, no one knows when or where you are reading this. So that’s kind of cool isn’t it. You know. Mysterious. I mean, this might be written on a cave wall some time after the next apoca-lyps. I just thought of that. Or somewhere else. Or not even there. But the thing is that none of this really matters so don’t worry about it because it’s not important because what I’m saying is, loads of people have written loads of books but the thing to remember about this book is that it’s better. A lot of books are just a load of old wank so they can fuck off. And if you don’t believe me, you can fuck off too. In fact, if you want a fight, I’m there. I’m pretty good at fighting so you’d better watch out. Better-watch-out-he’s-pretty-good-at-fighting is my middle name. Always has been. No it hasn’t. That’s bollocks. This isn’t working. Let’s start again.

Good afternoon. You know how—oh just forget this fucking page. It’s shit.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was Rik Mayall. Do you see what I did there? That’s the kind of guy I am. Unconventionable. And don’t say that I’m not because I am. And my career as a showbusiness legend spans decades and all of them (the decades that is) are choc full of successful movies, theatre events in the West End (and other places), cutting edge comedy television formats, number one hit records, funny and challenging chat show nonappearances and, most importantly, a string of highly inventive and genre-bursting (make that exploding and with some serious megatonnage as well) commercial television and radio product endorsements. People do not, and I repeat not, shout “fat unfunny has-been” at me in the streets. That has never happened—read my lips—ever. A lot.

Now, you know me, I’m a nice guy. You can ask anyone. So that’s proof. Anyway, I want to tell you what happened to me the other day. Things happen to me all the time. That’s what it’s like if you’re big famous. And I’ve always been down with my ordinaries *. Did you see that footnote? I wrote that. Anyway, when I say “down” with my ordinaries, I’m not saying, down with them as in “down with Thatcher” *, I mean down as in that expression “down with the kids” meaning happening and cool and groovy not, you know, like, you know, anything else. So, I like to think that I’m down with the kids [maybe change this]. What I’m trying to say is that I like children. Oh fuck, look just erase all this, forget about it. What I’m really trying to say is that I like you a lot and I’m down with you—actually, I need to stop saying “down with”. I’m “in with” you—oh God that sounds as though I want to get your stuff all over my fingers. Look, just go to the next paragraph. I didn’t mean it and it’s all shit.