Ursula Markham: How to Deal With Difficult People

This sort of negative feeling wastes so much time. Whether the interview (or the Monday) goes well or not, you will have spoiled the intervening time by spending it in a state of dread.

There are some people who just love to criticize others. It makes them feel good and gives them a sense of power. Like the bully who will only torment an obvious victim, the more response the critic gets from the object of his remarks, the more he will continue. And, also like the bully, critics tend to be moral cowards; putting others down helps them to disguise their own insecurities and have an inflated opinion of themselves. (I am not talking here of genuine, concerned criticism given in a constructive way but of those who enjoy making other people feel small).

Is your immediate response to such criticism to become defensive? Or perhaps you assume that the critic must be right (how he would love that) and take all his comments to heart without stopping to analyse their validity. As you will discover, there are ways of stopping the malicious critic and dealing assertively with the situation.

Tell yourself often enough that ‘Everything has gone wrong since I moved into this house’ and it will continue to do so. Convince yourself that you are having ‘one of those days’ and you will. Not only will your own negativity make you see only the down side of every event, it will also draw out the negativity in others.

If you find yourself behaving in this way, it is worth stopping and taking stock of the realities of your situation. What really has gone wrong since you moved into your house? Make a list and study it. Are some of the items on the list things that would have happened anyway, wherever you were living? Are they all really as bad as all that? Now make a list of all the things that have gone right since you came to live there – things you may not have stopped to consider from the depths of your negative hole. Great or small, I’m certain that if you are honest you will be able to find a number of things to put on the positive side. (For one thing, you are well enough to be sitting there making the list.)

Even when you look at that list of ‘wrongs’, can it all really be the fault of the house, the day, the weather – or whatever else you have convinced yourself is to blame? Try being more positive and making a note of good things as they happen to you – even the little ones. It really works.

Do you find it difficult to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m disappointed in what you did’? Of course you may be able to say one and not the other. Many people have been brought up to think that they have to be polite and not do or say anything to upset anyone else. That is fine – but not when it means accepting poor manners or shoddy workmanship. There is nothing wrong in expressing what you feel provided you do so in a way that is productive rather than aggressive. You will never lose your true friends – and those people who aren’t true friends don’t matter anyway.

Disguising your emotions only ends up hurting you. It causes a build-up of stress as you turn your feelings in on yourself rather than dealing with them. Your opinion of yourself will become ever lower as your sense of inadequacy increases. You will also cause problems for yourself in that others (particularly those difficult people) will either fail to notice you at all or will consider you a prime target. Perhaps You Believe in Saying What You Think Regardless of the Consequences?

Just stop for a moment and consider how you feel when other people act in such a way. Do you really want to cause others pain or distress?

Saying what comes into your head without considering the effect it will have on those around you will eventually turn others away from you. You are likely to end up believing that you are alone against the world. This is a sad enough feeling at any time but even worse if you realize that you brought it on yourself. You could find yourself trapped on a downward spiral of emotion from which it will be hard to emerge.

While conducting research into the effects of stress upon the heart, cardiologists Dr Meyer Friedman and Dr Ray Rosenman divided people into Type A and Type B personalities. They found that, even if work and living conditions were identical, Type A people were three times more likely to suffer from a stroke or heart attack, as these people were more likely to react aggressively to people and situations and therefore more likely to suffer from excess stress.

Check the lists that follow and see whether you incline more towards Type A or Type B. The ideal, of course, would be to fall somewhere in between the two. It can be fine to have a ‘laid-back’ attitude to life – but not if you constantly miss opportunities or irritate others because of it. And a certain amount of enthusiasm and ambition is laudable – but not if it causes you to ride roughshod over all and sundry.

These lists are meant to be a guide to whether you lean too much one way or the other. Don’t be concerned if you have a few of the Type A characteristics – it probably means that you are good at getting things done. But if more than half of them apply, it might be time to see what you can do to change some of your reactions to life – before you do yourself any real harm.

Highly competitive

Has a strong, forceful personality

Does everything quickly

Anxious for promotion at work or for social advancement

Desires public recognition for what he has achieved

Is easily angered by people and events

Speaks rapidly

Feels restless when compelled to be inactive

Likes to do several things at once

Walks, moves and eats quickly

Is made impatient by delay

Is very conscious of time – thrives on having to meet deadlines

Is always on time

Has taut facial muscles and/or clenches fists

Not competitive – at work or play

Has an easy-going, relaxed manner

Does things slowly and methodically

Is relatively content with present work situation

Is satisfied with social position

Does not want public recognition

Is slow to be aroused to anger

Can enjoy periods of idleness

Speaks slowly

Prefers to do one thing at a time

Walks, moves and eats in a leisurely way

Is patient – not easily upset by delay

Is not time conscious; tends to ignore deadlines

Is frequently late

Has relaxed facial muscles/does not clench fists

Whatever your personality and however you react to difficult people, the pattern will have been set many years ago, probably in early childhood. People and events over which you had no control will have conspired – often unwittingly – to create the self-image with which you have grown up. And if you are someone who finds it impossible to stand up to difficult people or to handle them in a satisfactory way, your self-esteem is likely to be lower than it should be. The good news is that it does not have to stay that way. It is possible at any stage in life to improve your self-image and increase your confidence.

Let’s have a look at some of the most common reasons for a poor self-image and see whether you can relate to any of them.

The first people with whom you formed any kind of relationship were your mother and father (or those who stood in that position). From their attitude towards you and their opinion you will have formed a view about yourself and your ‘value’. Some parents, of course, are deliberately unkind to their children, inflicting mental, physical or emotional damage. Fortunately, however, such parents make up only a small minority. But it is all too possible for the kindest and most well-meaning of adults to inflict harm, too – although they would probably be shocked if they knew they had done so. Those who are over-protective, doing everything for their child and fighting all his battles, may create an adult who has learned to be so dependent that he is quite unable to stand on his own feet. Those who care and provide for their children but find it difficult to be demonstrative (possibly due to defects in their own upbringing) may cause those children to believe that they are unworthy of love and affection – unlovable in fact.